Is "making dinner" part of your SAHM job description?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I'm not going to get into the whole debate about a SAHM's workload or whether it's harder than it was 10n years ago. Admittedly, my only experience with SAHM-ing is from my maternity leaves.

My issue with OP's attitude is the whole "I'll take care of me, to hell with him" approach. That just isn't conducive to a happy marriage - whichever side it comes from! With one or more small child(ren), every adult in the household is going to be doing more than they used to. Every adult feels as though they've taken on 150% ... and they are usually all right. There just isn't time for inefficiencies - you need to learn to work together if you are going to survive.

Each person doing their own shopping and cooking? It just isn't efficient. Those kinds of efforts need to be combined. Fending for yourselves just doesn't work anymore. Throwing a patato in the oven for yourself? Add and extra one for your husband ... or better yet, add 3 or 4 extra for leftovers the rest of the week. Trust me, learning to be efficient is well worth the effort.

I agree totally. But if Op HATES meal planning & cooking, her husband knows that. If Op is willing to do everything but cooking, then Op's husband should pitch in and help out where he can with cooking.

It's all about a division of labor and, as you say, working as a team. Maybe Op's husband can cook meals on the weekend and freeze them. That way all Op has to do is take it out of the freezer and pop it in the oven to heat up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I'm not going to get into the whole debate about a SAHM's workload or whether it's harder than it was 10n years ago. Admittedly, my only experience with SAHM-ing is from my maternity leaves.

My issue with OP's attitude is the whole "I'll take care of me, to hell with him" approach. That just isn't conducive to a happy marriage - whichever side it comes from! With one or more small child(ren), every adult in the household is going to be doing more than they used to. Every adult feels as though they've taken on 150% ... and they are usually all right. There just isn't time for inefficiencies - you need to learn to work together if you are going to survive.

Each person doing their own shopping and cooking? It just isn't efficient. Those kinds of efforts need to be combined. Fending for yourselves just doesn't work anymore. Throwing a patato in the oven for yourself? Add and extra one for your husband ... or better yet, add 3 or 4 extra for leftovers the rest of the week. Trust me, learning to be efficient is well worth the effort.

I agree totally. But if Op HATES meal planning & cooking, her husband knows that. If Op is willing to do everything but cooking, then Op's husband should pitch in and help out where he can with cooking.

It's all about a division of labor and, as you say, working as a team. Maybe Op's husband can cook meals on the weekend and freeze them. That way all Op has to do is take it out of the freezer and pop it in the oven to heat up.

Quoted pp here, and I think that's an excellent suggestion for OP and get husband! Earlier in this thread, she was complaining more about the meal planning and shopping than the actual cooking, and someone suggested they do that together on the weekends - I think that also sounds like a good suggestion if she's actually interested in finding a solution that'll make them both happy, rather than just being interested in being right.

[Anonymous]

I SAH, and I cook most of the time. I truly hate it, but DH will not cook unless I simply refuse. I love to cook, but the dinner grind is exhausting and really depresses me. DH will slop some sauce on boiled pasta and call it dinner (I call it revolting), but sometimes when I refuse to cook, that's what we eat.

If I had a reasonable spouse, we would split the meal-planning, shopping and cooking equally. That would be fair, but life isn't fair, so I'm stuck with most of it.

To answer your question, OP. No, no, no, no, no, no-no-no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had a playpen? Was it like 1975?

There was a fair amount of virtue in the way they did things in the past. Our current trend of intensive mothering isn't doing anyone any favors. It's certainly not about the CHILD's needs, rather the MOM's insecurities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the criticism and time management stuff from the sahms is fair. But if your kid is in daycare or you have a nanny, why are you even responding? You've never done it and you can't go back in time and do it. Why is their daily laundry? Well, maybe at your house, laundry isn't done every day, because your nanny is doing your laundry for your child on an as needed basis. In my house, I feed my child between 4 to 5 times per day, and pretty much after every feeding, he needs a change of clothes. Because he's a young child, and he's messy. Combined to that to your husband's daily clothes, my daily clothes, whatever sheets need to be changed out, whatever towels, hand towels, and kitchen towels need to be changed out, and I do a small to medium sized load of laundry every day, even for my small family. Why isn't your dishwasher full at night? Because your child is being fed a daycare. All of the prep for the child's meals, the meals that you eat, the meals that your child eats, none of those dishes are generated at home. Like I said, I think that the stay at home moms have relevant criticisms. If you have outsourced your child care to a nanny, or to a daycare, you simply don't have any idea what you're talking about.

But the point is.. These things don't equate to a day's worth of work. I WAH and can easily manage this before work, or in literally a few minutes during the day. It takes a minute or two to wipe down a bathroom and swish the toilets.clean counters are clean, so a quick wiped own is generally all that's needed. I have A dog that poops her bed at night and can STILL manage several loads of laundry a day without it stressing me out. Dishes are done before work. So is showering, etc. I eat at home, plus make all other meals that need to go elsewhere that day (lunches, etc.) plus my own food for home.

Even so.. Let's call things as they are. Laundry is not a huge undertaking. I often end up with 5-6 loads a day and it does not break my labour budget. It literally takes a few moments to flip loads. Folding takes longer, but it can also wait. Dishes are not magic. Most kitchens have the cupboards above the dishwasher.. So basically you flip stuff up to the cupboard. What does it take if you actually time it? 2 minutes? Same with loading.

If your child needs a change of clothes after every feeding, five times a day, use a bib or tea towel. You are being a masochist and / or wasteful.

I make dinner every night. Sometimes I have a half hour to spare. Some times I don't. So learn how to make meals for time crunches. I can pp together a slow cooker meal with clients on the phone.. I imagine OP can do that with baby playing with pots in the kitchen. I preload my washer at night. I do things to make life more you fight things, the longer they take and the harder they seem.

And? Nobody is saying that this equates to a days worth of work. You forgot about taking care of the child.

I actually just laughed so hard I snorted some coffee.
I was thinking the exact same thing!
The big thing people who don't take care of their kids all day don't get is how dirty and messy the house gets
(And I will say I'm one of Jose who makes dinner every night and doesn't find it difficult with 2 toddlers but I've been doing it for awhile)
The things that take up the most time due to frequency:
Boys use 2 bathrooms and have poor aim. Lots of wiping up floor and seat.
They eat 5x per day between meals and snacks. It's not only prep and cleaning dishes, but the actual mess and crumbs from a 21/2 year old eating. You should see my floor and table when he's done. It will improve as his fine motor improves but for now, lots of mess.
They play in the bedrooms, playroom, family room and outside. In and out of the house, toys being brought up and down stairs, etc. I have them clean up but they need oversight and assistance as toddlers.
People who don't have to serve and clean up 5 meals, and deal with the play dough, markers hous and piece Lego spills, mud puddle step ins and the like don't get it, as seen clearly above by the woman who thinks throwing laundry in and preparing food to be eaten elsewhere is comparable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a playpen? Was it like 1975?

There was a fair amount of virtue in the way they did things in the past. Our current trend of intensive mothering isn't doing anyone any favors. It's certainly not about the CHILD's needs, rather the MOM's insecurities.

It's about over-educated moms justifying their existence + Parkinson's law ("work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the criticism and time management stuff from the sahms is fair. But if your kid is in daycare or you have a nanny, why are you even responding? You've never done it and you can't go back in time and do it. Why is their daily laundry? Well, maybe at your house, laundry isn't done every day, because your nanny is doing your laundry for your child on an as needed basis. In my house, I feed my child between 4 to 5 times per day, and pretty much after every feeding, he needs a change of clothes. Because he's a young child, and he's messy. Combined to that to your husband's daily clothes, my daily clothes, whatever sheets need to be changed out, whatever towels, hand towels, and kitchen towels need to be changed out, and I do a small to medium sized load of laundry every day, even for my small family. Why isn't your dishwasher full at night? Because your child is being fed a daycare. All of the prep for the child's meals, the meals that you eat, the meals that your child eats, none of those dishes are generated at home. Like I said, I think that the stay at home moms have relevant criticisms. If you have outsourced your child care to a nanny, or to a daycare, you simply don't have any idea what you're talking about.

But the point is.. These things don't equate to a day's worth of work. I WAH and can easily manage this before work, or in literally a few minutes during the day. It takes a minute or two to wipe down a bathroom and swish the toilets.clean counters are clean, so a quick wiped own is generally all that's needed. I have A dog that poops her bed at night and can STILL manage several loads of laundry a day without it stressing me out. Dishes are done before work. So is showering, etc. I eat at home, plus make all other meals that need to go elsewhere that day (lunches, etc.) plus my own food for home.

Even so.. Let's call things as they are. Laundry is not a huge undertaking. I often end up with 5-6 loads a day and it does not break my labour budget. It literally takes a few moments to flip loads. Folding takes longer, but it can also wait. Dishes are not magic. Most kitchens have the cupboards above the dishwasher.. So basically you flip stuff up to the cupboard. What does it take if you actually time it? 2 minutes? Same with loading.

If your child needs a change of clothes after every feeding, five times a day, use a bib or tea towel. You are being a masochist and / or wasteful.

I make dinner every night. Sometimes I have a half hour to spare. Some times I don't. So learn how to make meals for time crunches. I can pp together a slow cooker meal with clients on the phone.. I imagine OP can do that with baby playing with pots in the kitchen. I preload my washer at night. I do things to make life more you fight things, the longer they take and the harder they seem.

And? Nobody is saying that this equates to a days worth of work. You forgot about taking care of the child.

I actually just laughed so hard I snorted some coffee.
I was thinking the exact same thing!
The big thing people who don't take care of their kids all day don't get is how dirty and messy the house gets
(And I will say I'm one of Jose who makes dinner every night and doesn't find it difficult with 2 toddlers but I've been doing it for awhile)
The things that take up the most time due to frequency:
Boys use 2 bathrooms and have poor aim. Lots of wiping up floor and seat.
They eat 5x per day between meals and snacks. It's not only prep and cleaning dishes, but the actual mess and crumbs from a 21/2 year old eating. You should see my floor and table when he's done. It will improve as his fine motor improves but for now, lots of mess.
They play in the bedrooms, playroom, family room and outside. In and out of the house, toys being brought up and down stairs, etc. I have them clean up but they need oversight and assistance as toddlers.
People who don't have to serve and clean up 5 meals, and deal with the play dough, markers hous and piece Lego spills, mud puddle step ins and the like don't get it, as seen clearly above by the woman who thinks throwing laundry in and preparing food to be eaten elsewhere is comparable.

It's still just a load of laundry, or a quick mop of the floor, and the luxury of being home is you have all day to do it. Laundry Does not magically become harder just because you SAH.

And if there's that much mess that it's unruly and trashing your house, you are apparently not supervising one on one time as well as you could be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I'm not going to get into the whole debate about a SAHM's workload or whether it's harder than it was 10n years ago. Admittedly, my only experience with SAHM-ing is from my maternity leaves.

My issue with OP's attitude is the whole "I'll take care of me, to hell with him" approach. That just isn't conducive to a happy marriage - whichever side it comes from! With one or more small child(ren), every adult in the household is going to be doing more than they used to. Every adult feels as though they've taken on 150% ... and they are usually all right. There just isn't time for inefficiencies - you need to learn to work together if you are going to survive.

Each person doing their own shopping and cooking? It just isn't efficient. Those kinds of efforts need to be combined. Fending for yourselves just doesn't work anymore. Throwing a patato in the oven for yourself? Add and extra one for your husband ... or better yet, add 3 or 4 extra for leftovers the rest of the week. Trust me, learning to be efficient is well worth the effort.

I agree totally. But if Op HATES meal planning & cooking, her husband knows that. If Op is willing to do everything but cooking, then Op's husband should pitch in and help out where he can with cooking.

It's all about a division of labor and, as you say, working as a team. Maybe Op's husband can cook meals on the weekend and freeze them. That way all Op has to do is take it out of the freezer and pop it in the oven to heat up.

OH boo-hoo for her. I hate changing diapers, but they still need to be changed. We all do things we dislike because they have to be done. Feeding a family isn't optional. And the alternatives to cooking regularly are expensive and unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I SAH, and I cook most of the time. I truly hate it, but DH will not cook unless I simply refuse. I love to cook, but the dinner grind is exhausting and really depresses me. DH will slop some sauce on boiled pasta and call it dinner (I call it revolting), but sometimes when I refuse to cook, that's what we eat.

If I had a reasonable spouse, we would split the meal-planning, shopping and cooking equally. That would be fair, but life isn't fair, so I'm stuck with most of it.

To answer your question, OP. No, no, no, no, no, no-no-no.

So you are home all day and he is working and you expect him to meal plan and grocery shop? Oh come on.

SAHMs have time during the day. They just do. Kids either nap or are in preschool part of the time or both for the vast majority of families. Get it together.

[Anonymous]

Maybe Op's husband should decide that he hates going to work and earning money support her.

All this "but she hates it" is such garbage. We all do things we don't like to keep our household running smoothly. It's called being an adult. I'm not a good cook either, but I can put some olive oil, spices and breadcrumbs on chicken breasts and make some rice and vegetables.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe Op's husband should decide that he hates going to work and earning money support her.

All this "but she hates it" is such garbage. We all do things we don't like to keep our household running smoothly. It's called being an adult. I'm not a good cook either, but I can put some olive oil, spices and breadcrumbs on chicken breasts and make some rice and vegetables.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the criticism and time management stuff from the sahms is fair. But if your kid is in daycare or you have a nanny, why are you even responding? You've never done it and you can't go back in time and do it. Why is their daily laundry? Well, maybe at your house, laundry isn't done every day, because your nanny is doing your laundry for your child on an as needed basis. In my house, I feed my child between 4 to 5 times per day, and pretty much after every feeding, he needs a change of clothes. Because he's a young child, and he's messy. Combined to that to your husband's daily clothes, my daily clothes, whatever sheets need to be changed out, whatever towels, hand towels, and kitchen towels need to be changed out, and I do a small to medium sized load of laundry every day, even for my small family. Why isn't your dishwasher full at night? Because your child is being fed a daycare. All of the prep for the child's meals, the meals that you eat, the meals that your child eats, none of those dishes are generated at home. Like I said, I think that the stay at home moms have relevant criticisms. If you have outsourced your child care to a nanny, or to a daycare, you simply don't have any idea what you're talking about.

But the point is.. These things don't equate to a day's worth of work. I WAH and can easily manage this before work, or in literally a few minutes during the day. It takes a minute or two to wipe down a bathroom and swish the toilets.clean counters are clean, so a quick wiped own is generally all that's needed. I have A dog that poops her bed at night and can STILL manage several loads of laundry a day without it stressing me out. Dishes are done before work. So is showering, etc. I eat at home, plus make all other meals that need to go elsewhere that day (lunches, etc.) plus my own food for home.

Even so.. Let's call things as they are. Laundry is not a huge undertaking. I often end up with 5-6 loads a day and it does not break my labour budget. It literally takes a few moments to flip loads. Folding takes longer, but it can also wait. Dishes are not magic. Most kitchens have the cupboards above the dishwasher.. So basically you flip stuff up to the cupboard. What does it take if you actually time it? 2 minutes? Same with loading.

If your child needs a change of clothes after every feeding, five times a day, use a bib or tea towel. You are being a masochist and / or wasteful.

I make dinner every night. Sometimes I have a half hour to spare. Some times I don't. So learn how to make meals for time crunches. I can pp together a slow cooker meal with clients on the phone.. I imagine OP can do that with baby playing with pots in the kitchen. I preload my washer at night. I do things to make life more you fight things, the longer they take and the harder they seem.

And? Nobody is saying that this equates to a days worth of work. You forgot about taking care of the child.

I actually just laughed so hard I snorted some coffee.
I was thinking the exact same thing!
The big thing people who don't take care of their kids all day don't get is how dirty and messy the house gets
(And I will say I'm one of Jose who makes dinner every night and doesn't find it difficult with 2 toddlers but I've been doing it for awhile)
The things that take up the most time due to frequency:
Boys use 2 bathrooms and have poor aim. Lots of wiping up floor and seat.
They eat 5x per day between meals and snacks. It's not only prep and cleaning dishes, but the actual mess and crumbs from a 21/2 year old eating. You should see my floor and table when he's done. It will improve as his fine motor improves but for now, lots of mess.
They play in the bedrooms, playroom, family room and outside. In and out of the house, toys being brought up and down stairs, etc. I have them clean up but they need oversight and assistance as toddlers.
People who don't have to serve and clean up 5 meals, and deal with the play dough, markers hous and piece Lego spills, mud puddle step ins and the like don't get it, as seen clearly above by the woman who thinks throwing laundry in and preparing food to be eaten elsewhere is comparable.

Okay pp, I've been a Sahm so I know what you're talking about. But right now the op has one kid who is 12 months. At this age the kid isn't nursing or bottle feeding on demand, so it's not like hours stuck on the couch like the newborn stage. He's also not old enough to have free range of the house. So the mess is contained to one or two rooms. 2 toddlers/preschool aged kids is a whole other story. I'm guessing that if the op has another she will look back on this time and wonder what she did with all her free time!

And yeah, my dh hated his job and still went every day because we needed the money (at that point in my career I would have earned less than daycare so it made sense for me to stay home). Adults do what they have to do even if they hate it. Op needs to suck it up and cook some dinner. The fact that she's still refusing is hilarious to me. What an entitled brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I'm not going to get into the whole debate about a SAHM's workload or whether it's harder than it was 10n years ago. Admittedly, my only experience with SAHM-ing is from my maternity leaves.

My issue with OP's attitude is the whole "I'll take care of me, to hell with him" approach. That just isn't conducive to a happy marriage - whichever side it comes from! With one or more small child(ren), every adult in the household is going to be doing more than they used to. Every adult feels as though they've taken on 150% ... and they are usually all right. There just isn't time for inefficiencies - you need to learn to work together if you are going to survive.

Each person doing their own shopping and cooking? It just isn't efficient. Those kinds of efforts need to be combined. Fending for yourselves just doesn't work anymore. Throwing a patato in the oven for yourself? Add and extra one for your husband ... or better yet, add 3 or 4 extra for leftovers the rest of the week. Trust me, learning to be efficient is well worth the effort.

I agree totally. But if Op HATES meal planning & cooking, her husband knows that. If Op is willing to do everything but cooking, then Op's husband should pitch in and help out where he can with cooking.

It's all about a division of labor and, as you say, working as a team. Maybe Op's husband can cook meals on the weekend and freeze them. That way all Op has to do is take it out of the freezer and pop it in the oven to heat up.

OH boo-hoo for her. I hate changing diapers, but they still need to be changed. We all do things we dislike because they have to be done. Feeding a family isn't optional. And the alternatives to cooking regularly are expensive and unhealthy.

Of course everyone must get fed, diapers must be changed, little ones must be bathed in the evening and on weekends. BUT, if Op's dh is not changing diapers or bathing kids he can help out with food shopping/cooking. Not sure why you think that he has zero duties inside the house just because he works. He lives there, those are his kids and taking care of them is his responsibility too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe Op's husband should decide that he hates going to work and earning money support her.

All this "but she hates it" is such garbage. We all do things we don't like to keep our household running smoothly. It's called being an adult. I'm not a good cook either, but I can put some olive oil, spices and breadcrumbs on chicken breasts and make some rice and vegetables.

Stop. Being the working parent doesn't mean you abdicate all responsibility as a member of the household. A SAHP is a parent, not all around maid-cook-gardener-whatever.

I do not stay at home, but if I did, I would assume I was parenting the child, not my husband, which means he could clean up his own mess and make some meals, ya know.

However, I also would not stay at home, because so many SAHPs and WOHPs seem to believe there is a power imbalance and the price for staying home means being an indentured servant. No thank you.

As for not cooking being expensive and unhealthy, not entirely true. I cook twice a week. Husband does once. The other 4 nights, we budget for eating out and we eat well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe Op's husband should decide that he hates going to work and earning money support her.

All this "but she hates it" is such garbage. We all do things we don't like to keep our household running smoothly. It's called being an adult. I'm not a good cook either, but I can put some olive oil, spices and breadcrumbs on chicken breasts and make some rice and vegetables.

+1 I'm guessing OP's DH doesn't love cooking or meal prep either otherwise he would've been doing it all along.

This all boils down to a complete lack of communication between the two and a touch of selfishness, which doesn't bode well if it continues.

Op, you and your DH need to sit down and divide chores. If you both hate meal prep and cooking, then you each need to take turns doing it. Casseroles and soups are easy to do and can be done in bulk on Sunday's. There are for services like blue apron that you can use if you decide you want a few 'real' meals a week together. If there are certain days you want DH to fend for himself, let him know ahead of time or at least on his way home from work so he doesn't have to go back out.

You are going to have bigger issues than this down the road. You need to work on communication and compromise.