Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

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I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

Women have had to sacrifice their identity and freedom for “tradition” and “cultural norms” for centuries. That is ALWAYS the argument for having women being second class. So yeah, I judge it. I have that right.

Women and their progeny needed security. It was and still is a trade-off or transaction if you will.
Marriage is a social contract and yes, one's identity will be revised by entering into that.

If you were giving any woman security or anything else, you would not care about other couples making different decisions to this degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely pick the name that is not near end of alphabet. My kids are always at the ends of lists and sometimes they run out of stuff before getting to end of alphabet. I wish peolel would mix it up more and do it backwards sometimes.

I had a high school teacher whose last name started with Z, and he did everything in reverse alphabetical order.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, not to pile on because there’s no objective “right” or “wrong” answer to this in 2026.
But the fact that you do t align in this at all should tell you that the two if you are not a match. You just aren’t.
And this will be a sticking point throughout your marriage that will make one or both of you very miserable.
Just bow out now, wish him the best, and let him find someone who agrees with his viewpoint and you find someone who aligns with yours on this and be done.

[Anonymous]

As a general point, I think a woman who refuses to take her husband’s name is trying a little too hard to make a point.

But I couldn’t care less about their decision.
It has absolutely nothing to do with me.

[Anonymous]

Yuo he's gotta be 6 foot tall, have six inches in his pants, have 6 pack abs, make six figures, and take her name. Oh wait those guys just bang these chicks behind their wimp husbands back, don't they. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Family unity? The cultures known for strongest family ties/values don't do this (China, Korea, I guess you can add in Hispanic). It might give the appearance of unity but has nothing to do with reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

Women have had to sacrifice their identity and freedom for “tradition” and “cultural norms” for centuries. That is ALWAYS the argument for having women being second class. So yeah, I judge it. I have that right.

Women and their progeny needed security. It was and still is a trade-off or transaction if you will.
Marriage is a social contract and yes, one's identity will be revised by entering into that.

Most cultures around the world don’t require this “identity revision.” It is a purely western construct, and let’s face it, western marriages aren’t better than anyone else’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a general point, I think a woman who refuses to take her husband’s name is trying a little too hard to make a point.

But I couldn’t care less about their decision.
It has absolutely nothing to do with me.

So you think Chinese and Arab women are trying too hard?

[Anonymous]

I was really happy to change to my husband's last name because my father is not a kind person and I was excited to start a new family and not have my father's last name anymore. I did not want to be associated with my abusive family unit any longer.

I considered it a choice of choosing between two different men's last names and I preferred my DH, as he's a better person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a general point, I think a woman who refuses to take her husband’s name is trying a little too hard to make a point.

But I couldn’t care less about their decision.
It has absolutely nothing to do with me.

So you think Chinese and Arab women are trying too hard?

Even in America it's a strange assumption. My wife kept her surname, because her mom did, and it seemed normal. Maybe her mom was "trying to make a point," but she wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

I'm a woman with a double surname and have never had a single problem.

Yeah, but you're only thinking about yourself. How does this play out over the next several generations? So three generations from now, they would be some young bride with a name with like 5 or 6 hyphens? This somewhat novel view about hyphenated last names that maintain the maiden name is so short-sighted, IMO. Do what you want. Personally, I like consolidating my family under one name and having the same last name as my children. But OP, to me the BIG red flag here is your thought to cancel your wedding and breaking off your engagement over this. Listen to your gut. This is not the man you want to marry and you're looking for an excuse to get out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was really happy to change to my husband's last name because my father is not a kind person and I was excited to start a new family and not have my father's last name anymore. I did not want to be associated with my abusive family unit any longer.

I considered it a choice of choosing between two different men's last names and I preferred my DH, as he's a better person.

I've never really associated my last name with my father specifically. It's just mine.

I did make a joke with my husband that me trading an Irish name for an English one might make my Irish nationalist granddad roll over in his grave.

[Anonymous]

A guy who wants everyone to have his last name and assumes his wife wants that too is going to be a guy who assumes his way to wildly unequal division of labor (including the mental load) in everything.

If that's the life you want, congratulations. If it's not, put the brakes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely pick the name that is not near end of alphabet. My kids are always at the ends of lists and sometimes they run out of stuff before getting to end of alphabet. I wish peolel would mix it up more and do it backwards sometimes.

I had a high school teacher whose last name started with Z, and he did everything in reverse alphabetical order.

I LOVE that. But yes, Go with Adams over Zaleski.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a general point, I think a woman who refuses to take her husband’s name is trying a little too hard to make a point.

But I couldn’t care less about their decision.
It has absolutely nothing to do with me.

And what point is that? That I like my name? That my husband likes his name? That our family success and closeness isn't linked to last names? Perhaps men who refuse to take their wives names are trying a little to hard to remain stuck in the patriarchy.

It doesn't sound like you couldn't care less about other people's decisions - I think you might be a little bit threatened by other people's decisions about themselves. You say it has nothing to do with you (which it doesn't) yet you have a theory about all women who don't change their names. Why is that?