Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a liberal feminist and I took my husband's name and gave it to our kids. It was barely a discussion, we just wanted us to publicly be on the same team. Others can do something different and I don't judge.

Same here. It's just a symbol of unity.

Does this important symbol of unity expire when your child is old enough to legally change their name? How is the unity diminished when this even occurs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

DP We don't need to ask "maybe". We know the reason:

"Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him."

He bases the feeling of a healthy family unit on everyone having the same last name. It's of course a nonsense reason - a healthy family unit has nothing to do with last names. But that's the reason he provided.

At least some men believe that this unite can be also achieved by them changing their names or by combining both names into one. This one thinks that unity can only be achieved if everyone take his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a liberal feminist and I took my husband's name and gave it to our kids. It was barely a discussion, we just wanted us to publicly be on the same team. Others can do something different and I don't judge.

Same here. It's just a symbol of unity.

You can achieve unity by combining your names or by him taking yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

2. Of course it’s not an issue for you. It’s an issue for the kids, and everyone else trying to interact with them in some official capacity.

My kid has a different last name from me and it has literally never been an issue. Like not even 1 time in 15 years.

Different last name than child also. Not an issue in 8 years.

Our kids have my name too, DH (their father) is actually the primary one driving around dropping them and picking up at activities and never an issue here either. And he even volunteers as a coach in two of the activities (so everyone is aware that his name is different) and literally nobody cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

DP We don't need to ask "maybe". We know the reason:

"Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him."

He bases the feeling of a healthy family unit on everyone having the same last name. It's of course a nonsense reason - a healthy family unit has nothing to do with last names. But that's the reason he provided.

At least some men believe that this unite can be also achieved by them changing their names or by combining both names into one. This one thinks that unity can only be achieved if everyone take his.

Last name conventions of any kind don't unite. Yes in the superficial and artificial sense you can use the term, but this isn't what most people invested in this are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a liberal feminist and I took my husband's name and gave it to our kids. It was barely a discussion, we just wanted us to publicly be on the same team. Others can do something different and I don't judge.

Same here. It's just a symbol of unity.

You can achieve unity by combining your names or by him taking yours.

This will achieve identical last names.

If dissimilar last names in any way minimizes your unity, you have unity issues that identical names won't repair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

Women have had to sacrifice their identity and freedom for “tradition” and “cultural norms” for centuries. That is ALWAYS the argument for having women being second class. So yeah, I judge it. I have that right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

Women have had to sacrifice their identity and freedom for “tradition” and “cultural norms” for centuries. That is ALWAYS the argument for having women being second class. So yeah, I judge it. I have that right.

You go girl!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

We did this. Our kids have my (wife’s) last name. My name is easy and phonetic but uncommon and sounds cool. My husband was pretty chill about it - his mom was also very independent. It hasn’t caused any issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is not just a conservative or old-fashioned thing. Plenty of prominent liberal, educated, accomplished American women have taken or used their husband's last name publicly, including Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Jill Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris, Gwen Walz, and Gretchen Whitmer. In younger/current culture, you also see examples like Hailey Bieber and Chrissy Teigen.

Uh, if Chrissy Teigen had taken her husband’s last name, wouldn’t she be Chrissy Legend?

[Anonymous]

Taking on the father's surname is a way of conferring paternity.
Maternity is unquestioned.
That's how society traditionally ID'ed the family unit

[Anonymous]

what if you both have the same name, do you hyphen it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so do you use the em dash or the hyphen, watch the autocorrect reak havoc as systems won't be able to chose between. Not worth it.

I can't tell if this is trolling to bait team hyphen, or if it's sarcasm trolling to make the never hyphen people look stupid.

sometimes when you type in word or google docs the hypen turns into an em dash, imagine the problems when it saves into systems of record

[Anonymous]

What if you do the silly dash and then it becomes a war of who's name first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

Women have had to sacrifice their identity and freedom for “tradition” and “cultural norms” for centuries. That is ALWAYS the argument for having women being second class. So yeah, I judge it. I have that right.

Women and their progeny needed security. It was and still is a trade-off or transaction if you will.
Marriage is a social contract and yes, one's identity will be revised by entering into that.