How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.

I mean, if my spouse and I didn’t so the fair play cards, and come up with an expected minimum standard for all our chores, you’d have a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

So get a divorce. Why do you need to crowdsource this?

Not PP but if I divorce my kids will be alone with DH up to half the time, which will mean living in chaos and squalor and being in unsafe situations. And then I’ll be coparenting with someone who can’t communicate or function as an adult.

I’ve decided it’s safest to stay married because of my kids. Lots of other moms in the same situation.

I will leave when my kids are grown.

Either you are being absurdly overdramatic or you have made a series of outrageously incompetent decisions to marry and then have multiple children with a man who can’t even function as an adult.

[Anonymous]

I fantasize about divorcing my husband and living alone.

I think he fantasizes about divorcing me and replacing me with a younger, quieter model who will still do all the housework.

[Anonymous]

My sister’s DH recently passed on unexpectedly and she is devastated. You all have no idea. She would give anything to have the sort of “problems” you all are complaining about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.

+1. The one who wants things done to their standard needs to do more. Your spouse doesn’t care if laundry is in a basket. It is only you who insists they must be folded and put away that day. If not, then you’re a seething, dried-up monster.

Nothing to get through to your spouse. They do not care. You can nag, plead, beg, or threaten. It will not matter.

I was like you in my first marriage. I harped and barked at my ex to do his equal share. We both made substantial salaries, so each spouse should do their equal share. We ended up hating each other and divorced. Constant nagging and arguing over this stuff kills affection.

In my current marriage, we are a team. I let things go and help my spouse. I’m infinitely happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

So get a divorce. Why do you need to crowdsource this?

Not PP but if I divorce my kids will be alone with DH up to half the time, which will mean living in chaos and squalor and being in unsafe situations. And then I’ll be coparenting with someone who can’t communicate or function as an adult.

I’ve decided it’s safest to stay married because of my kids. Lots of other moms in the same situation.

I will leave when my kids are grown.

Either you are being absurdly overdramatic or you have made a series of outrageously incompetent decisions to marry and then have multiple children with a man who can’t even function as an adult.

His executive functioning issues were not apparent when we were dating and living in a 1 bedroom apartment and only had to work and be married.

As the demands and complexity of our life has grown, his executive function issues are more apparent and problematic.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s reasonable to want things done to your standard if you are mostly the one to do them. I like my kitchen counters cleared off and wiped down at the end of the evening, even if they’re going to get some new crumbs and fingerprints first thing in the morning. My husband thinks this is silly. so almost all the time, I do it. But if I’m sick, or busy, or just seem stressed and he says “go make a cuppa tea, I’ll finish the kitchen” he’ll do it. Because he loves me and wants to do things to make me happy, and if he says “I’ll finish the kitchen” and forget to clean the counters, I don’t complain because I love him and I appreciate the thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

I concur with an earlier poster. All wives suffering from husbands with poor follow-through should give their men oral pleasure 80% of the way to completion, then stop. After all, it's a real achievement that you even got him hard, right? You'll finish the job on your own schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

I concur with an earlier poster. All wives suffering from husbands with poor follow-through should give their men oral pleasure 80% of the way to completion, then stop. After all, it's a real achievement that you even got him hard, right? You'll finish the job on your own schedule.

Yes! He should be just thankful I did the 80%. If it is important to do the remaining 20%, that is on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.

That was my spouse’s MO. And then I turned it on them.

Having a clean kitchen when I cook is a nonnegotiable for me, I can’t be forced to cook in a kitchen that’s a total mess. So, I’ll take my sweet time cleaning to the detriment of anything else, dinner and any plans be damned. My spouse eventually learned that while they don’t have to clean to “my standards”, nothing else gets done until the stuff is clean to my standards. I may call an ambulance for them in case of emergency, but that’s about it.

And no, they did not divorce me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

I concur with an earlier poster. All wives suffering from husbands with poor follow-through should give their men oral pleasure 80% of the way to completion, then stop. After all, it's a real achievement that you even got him hard, right? You'll finish the job on your own schedule.

Yes! He should be just thankful I did the 80%. If it is important to do the remaining 20%, that is on him.

If you get the same experience from nearly folded laundry that your spouse does from oral sex, either you or I are doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

*neatly! My typo killed my joke.

[Anonymous]

FWIF my DH is the same.

I don’t think there has ever been a day when he loaded ALL the dirty dishes into washer after dinner and didn’t leave some in the sink for me to find the next morning.

He struggles separating colored, dark and white clothes for laundry.

There is no guarantee he’ll buy all the groceries on the list when he goes shopping.

He will not vacuum behind doors unless I tell him. I literally have to do that for EVERY door.

I call it half-assing, but I hear back that I’m a demanding perfectionist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIF my DH is the same.

I don’t think there has ever been a day when he loaded ALL the dirty dishes into washer after dinner and didn’t leave some in the sink for me to find the next morning.

He struggles separating colored, dark and white clothes for laundry.

There is no guarantee he’ll buy all the groceries on the list when he goes shopping.

He will not vacuum behind doors unless I tell him. I literally have to do that for EVERY door.

I call it half-assing, but I hear back that I’m a demanding perfectionist.

It's the groceries thing that confuses me the most with mine. I truly do not understand how you so consistently mess that one up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.

Come on.

Don’t conflate only finishing 80% of a task with fully finishing something to 80% of standard.

The former is incomplete.

The latter is cutting corner.

And of course with adhd it’s often both, fun!