AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

As a parent I need to personally feel comfortable with someone I am entrusting my kids to. I’m not taking someone off a random website that I’ve never met. I know the teen on my kids’ swim team, I also likely know their parents, and they have generally also babysat for other families I know. How is it so mind blowing to you that people don’t want to hire someone off the internet that they’ve never met to watch their kids?

Because it doesn’t make any logical sense.
I mean, you could go with someone from a nanny agency or a babysitting agency who has had an interview a background check, childcare experience, and you know is CPR certified.
Or you can go with someone whose mom you know from the swim team bake sale, and your neighbor said that she babysat their kids before.
It just seems like you are being overly reliant on “knowing” someone that you can’t possibly know that well instead of looking at actual objective facts.

I mean, it’s fine. I have hired both and had good experiences with both. But I think that statistically the sadistic or neglectful nanny or babysitter is just as likely to be your friend’s neighbor’s kid as it is to be someone you hired from an agency.

I don’t know. I’m done with this now. I just think you are being silly and overly trusting of your own instincts.

I’m sorry that this thread didn’t provide the bump to seekingsitters.com or whatever that you were hoping for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

As a parent I need to personally feel comfortable with someone I am entrusting my kids to. I’m not taking someone off a random website that I’ve never met. I know the teen on my kids’ swim team, I also likely know their parents, and they have generally also babysat for other families I know. How is it so mind blowing to you that people don’t want to hire someone off the internet that they’ve never met to watch their kids?

Because it doesn’t make any logical sense.
I mean, you could go with someone from a nanny agency or a babysitting agency who has had an interview a background check, childcare experience, and you know is CPR certified.
Or you can go with someone whose mom you know from the swim team bake sale, and your neighbor said that she babysat their kids before.
It just seems like you are being overly reliant on “knowing” someone that you can’t possibly know that well instead of looking at actual objective facts.

I mean, it’s fine. I have hired both and had good experiences with both. But I think that statistically the sadistic or neglectful nanny or babysitter is just as likely to be your friend’s neighbor’s kid as it is to be someone you hired from an agency.

I don’t know. I’m done with this now. I just think you are being silly and overly trusting of your own instincts.

NP. Every babysitter I’ve ever hired has spent considerable time with kids (usually with my kids specifically) that I could observe before I left them alone with my kids. I’m not concerned with uniquely intentional sadism or anything just general bad childminding skills. This is much easier to do with people in my community for free because they interact with children in front of me all the time. Someone from the internet I would have to pay to vet in this way and it would be awkward/stressful. Nothing wrong with using a website if you’re comfortable with it but there’s no need to come at people who prefer not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

As a parent I need to personally feel comfortable with someone I am entrusting my kids to. I’m not taking someone off a random website that I’ve never met. I know the teen on my kids’ swim team, I also likely know their parents, and they have generally also babysat for other families I know. How is it so mind blowing to you that people don’t want to hire someone off the internet that they’ve never met to watch their kids?

Because it doesn’t make any logical sense.
I mean, you could go with someone from a nanny agency or a babysitting agency who has had an interview a background check, childcare experience, and you know is CPR certified.
Or you can go with someone whose mom you know from the swim team bake sale, and your neighbor said that she babysat their kids before.
It just seems like you are being overly reliant on “knowing” someone that you can’t possibly know that well instead of looking at actual objective facts.

I mean, it’s fine. I have hired both and had good experiences with both. But I think that statistically the sadistic or neglectful nanny or babysitter is just as likely to be your friend’s neighbor’s kid as it is to be someone you hired from an agency.

I don’t know. I’m done with this now. I just think you are being silly and overly trusting of your own instincts.

I’m sorry that this thread didn’t provide the bump to seekingsitters.com or whatever that you were hoping for.

I’m not hoping for anything. I’m an ER doctor. I’ve just found this service helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL’s wife should skip marathon.

Why? She probably started training for it way before these in laws decided to plan a wedding in the middle of the day on a Friday. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to run a marathon. I think it’s up to the BIL to figure out childcare — not on his wife to give up a long term goal.

Why?? Because it is her kids and she&bil should figure it out. You don’t stop parenting because you decide to attempt to run a marathon. Op is not an option and should not be.

SIL has/ already had plans, and a husband who is a parent. He is the parent who was responsible that weekend, so it’s up to HIM. No, you don’t stop parenting because you’re running a marathon, but you also don’t stop parenting when someone comes up with an inconvenient, out of town wedding when your wife is already committed to something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

I think BIL hiring a sitter is fine. MIL expecting that *OP* will be the sitter is incredibly presumptuous and disrespectful. BIL assuming that *OP* has arrangements he can freeload on is pretty presumptuous as well but not monstrous.

Your post is mostly correct but op indicated BIL is annoyed at them for not going along with his plan. It wasn't just that op was voluntold to be the babysitter.

BIL is TA because he was annoyed that op and her dh would not agree to go along with his plans of hiring a local babysitter and letting that stranger watch all their kids at a rental. Op and dh didn't want to go along with this plan but he is stiff free to continue on his merry way and find a rental and a sitter himself but nope. He is a jerk who was expecting them to take care of all of this and he would just dump his kids.

Bil and mil ATA.

[Anonymous]

The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

Oh yeah random unnamed internet person. We believe you completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

You all get to decide what is important to other adults? I don't get how you have the right to decide her marathon is not important. I'm right. You are a boundary stomping weirdo and have to be hell to live with.

I stand by my assessment of the people who are bashing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

You all get to decide what is important to other adults? I don't get how you have the right to decide her marathon is not important. I'm right. You are a boundary stomping weirdo and have to be hell to live with.

I stand by my assessment of the people who are bashing her.

Everyone has hobbies, but we prioritize them accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

I think BIL hiring a sitter is fine. MIL expecting that *OP* will be the sitter is incredibly presumptuous and disrespectful. BIL assuming that *OP* has arrangements he can freeload on is pretty presumptuous as well but not monstrous.

Your post is mostly correct but op indicated BIL is annoyed at them for not going along with his plan. It wasn't just that op was voluntold to be the babysitter.

BIL is TA because he was annoyed that op and her dh would not agree to go along with his plans of hiring a local babysitter and letting that stranger watch all their kids at a rental. Op and dh didn't want to go along with this plan but he is stiff free to continue on his merry way and find a rental and a sitter himself but nope. He is a jerk who was expecting them to take care of all of this and he would just dump his kids.

Bil and mil ATA.

If the BIL wanted to share a sitter with OP’s kids, he should have no problem getting his own sitter.

Dh and I rarely went anywhere alone when kids were 1 and 3. The only person who ever watched our kids was our nanny or our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

As a parent I need to personally feel comfortable with someone I am entrusting my kids to. I’m not taking someone off a random website that I’ve never met. I know the teen on my kids’ swim team, I also likely know their parents, and they have generally also babysat for other families I know. How is it so mind blowing to you that people don’t want to hire someone off the internet that they’ve never met to watch their kids?

Because it doesn’t make any logical sense.
I mean, you could go with someone from a nanny agency or a babysitting agency who has had an interview a background check, childcare experience, and you know is CPR certified.
Or you can go with someone whose mom you know from the swim team bake sale, and your neighbor said that she babysat their kids before.
It just seems like you are being overly reliant on “knowing” someone that you can’t possibly know that well instead of looking at actual objective facts.

I mean, it’s fine. I have hired both and had good experiences with both. But I think that statistically the sadistic or neglectful nanny or babysitter is just as likely to be your friend’s neighbor’s kid as it is to be someone you hired from an agency.

I don’t know. I’m done with this now. I just think you are being silly and overly trusting of your own instincts.

NP. Every babysitter I’ve ever hired has spent considerable time with kids (usually with my kids specifically) that I could observe before I left them alone with my kids. I’m not concerned with uniquely intentional sadism or anything just general bad childminding skills. This is much easier to do with people in my community for free because they interact with children in front of me all the time. Someone from the internet I would have to pay to vet in this way and it would be awkward/stressful. Nothing wrong with using a website if you’re comfortable with it but there’s no need to come at people who prefer not to.

I think this makes sense.
Maybe if OP said something like:

“I am kind of an anxious person, and going to a large family event that is not my family of origin sounds pretty anxiety inducing to me anyway. Adding on asking my current sitters to change their schedule for me or interacting with adults I don’t know in order to vet a sitter for the night is really more than I can handle right now”

then she could have avoided a lot of family drama.

Lots of people who don’t deal with anxiety could attend and enjoy this. BIL who is booking a flight with his 1 and 3 year old is probably not an anxious person and doesn’t get what OP’s issue is, even though it’s obvious to her (and a lot of people who read parenting forums…).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

You all get to decide what is important to other adults? I don't get how you have the right to decide her marathon is not important. I'm right. You are a boundary stomping weirdo and have to be hell to live with.

I stand by my assessment of the people who are bashing her.

Everyone has hobbies, but we prioritize them accordingly.

DP and I hate running but I would not prioritize an inconvenient wedding of very extended family over a long-planned event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

I think BIL hiring a sitter is fine. MIL expecting that *OP* will be the sitter is incredibly presumptuous and disrespectful. BIL assuming that *OP* has arrangements he can freeload on is pretty presumptuous as well but not monstrous.

I don’t think it’s presumptuous. When my siblings come to visit, I hire a sitter for all of the kids when we go out.

I would find it kind of unusual if they decided to get their own babysitter without talking to me about it first.

OP and her family aren’t attending the wedding. You get sitters for your siblings kids for events you’re not going to? Any chance you need to adopt another adult sibling I could use this service

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

As a parent I need to personally feel comfortable with someone I am entrusting my kids to. I’m not taking someone off a random website that I’ve never met. I know the teen on my kids’ swim team, I also likely know their parents, and they have generally also babysat for other families I know. How is it so mind blowing to you that people don’t want to hire someone off the internet that they’ve never met to watch their kids?

Because it doesn’t make any logical sense.
I mean, you could go with someone from a nanny agency or a babysitting agency who has had an interview a background check, childcare experience, and you know is CPR certified.
Or you can go with someone whose mom you know from the swim team bake sale, and your neighbor said that she babysat their kids before.
It just seems like you are being overly reliant on “knowing” someone that you can’t possibly know that well instead of looking at actual objective facts.

I mean, it’s fine. I have hired both and had good experiences with both. But I think that statistically the sadistic or neglectful nanny or babysitter is just as likely to be your friend’s neighbor’s kid as it is to be someone you hired from an agency.

I don’t know. I’m done with this now. I just think you are being silly and overly trusting of your own instincts.

NP. Every babysitter I’ve ever hired has spent considerable time with kids (usually with my kids specifically) that I could observe before I left them alone with my kids. I’m not concerned with uniquely intentional sadism or anything just general bad childminding skills. This is much easier to do with people in my community for free because they interact with children in front of me all the time. Someone from the internet I would have to pay to vet in this way and it would be awkward/stressful. Nothing wrong with using a website if you’re comfortable with it but there’s no need to come at people who prefer not to.

I think this makes sense.
Maybe if OP said something like:

“I am kind of an anxious person, and going to a large family event that is not my family of origin sounds pretty anxiety inducing to me anyway. Adding on asking my current sitters to change their schedule for me or interacting with adults I don’t know in order to vet a sitter for the night is really more than I can handle right now”

then she could have avoided a lot of family drama.

Lots of people who don’t deal with anxiety could attend and enjoy this. BIL who is booking a flight with his 1 and 3 year old is probably not an anxious person and doesn’t get what OP’s issue is, even though it’s obvious to her (and a lot of people who read parenting forums…).

Oh for FFS. Can you please just find validation for your comfort in using random internet people to watch your kids elsewhere?