AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

I think BIL hiring a sitter is fine. MIL expecting that *OP* will be the sitter is incredibly presumptuous and disrespectful. BIL assuming that *OP* has arrangements he can freeload on is pretty presumptuous as well but not monstrous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am impressed with your BIL - flying with a 1 YO and 3 YO by himself. How long is the flight?
(These is no way I would watch kids after that)

I'm less impressed that he booked flights with no childcare plan, just assuming someone else would figure it out for him

This! Who the heck books airfare with young kids to a child free wedding without securing childcare ahead of time? If anyone ITA it’s BIL. There’s nothing here to be impressed about.

And BIL’s wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT believe that people are criticizing SIL for running a marathon. Geez, what’s wrong with you all? It is not self-indulgent of a mom of small kids to train for and run a marathon. It’s downright impressive. And she probably had this on the calendar way before this absurd 3pm on a Friday wedding.

I understand that BIL might be disappointed that he easy childcare plans aren’t working out the way he hoped, but the cousin (who planned this mid-week wedding in an out of the way location), the BIL and the MIL should work to arrange a sitter for BIL’s kids (*if* he still wants to come).

And no one should be criticizing OP for not wanting to go and not wanting to be a weekend nanny for four kids under 5.

Nothing impressive about a marathon at that stage of life. It is similar to buying a corvette during a mid-life crisis.

Congrats PP, as it turns out you are actually the biggest AH of this thread.

For pointing out the obvious?

DP. No, for having very twisted values.

Training and being able to complete a marathon is very laudable. And I'm a parent and I too value responsible parenting, but that doesn't mean that both are not impressive.

running marathons is so common it is cliche

This. Nothing special about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL’s wife should skip marathon.

Why? She probably started training for it way before these in laws decided to plan a wedding in the middle of the day on a Friday. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to run a marathon. I think it’s up to the BIL to figure out childcare — not on his wife to give up a long term goal.

Why?? Because it is her kids and she&bil should figure it out. You don’t stop parenting because you decide to attempt to run a marathon. Op is not an option and should not be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

I think BIL hiring a sitter is fine. MIL expecting that *OP* will be the sitter is incredibly presumptuous and disrespectful. BIL assuming that *OP* has arrangements he can freeload on is pretty presumptuous as well but not monstrous.

Like mother like son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

I think BIL hiring a sitter is fine. MIL expecting that *OP* will be the sitter is incredibly presumptuous and disrespectful. BIL assuming that *OP* has arrangements he can freeload on is pretty presumptuous as well but not monstrous.

Like mother like son.

This is true it’s an unusual situation where my DCUM reaction “who RAISES these people?!?” has a ready answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

I think BIL hiring a sitter is fine. MIL expecting that *OP* will be the sitter is incredibly presumptuous and disrespectful. BIL assuming that *OP* has arrangements he can freeload on is pretty presumptuous as well but not monstrous.

I don’t think it’s presumptuous. When my siblings come to visit, I hire a sitter for all of the kids when we go out.

I would find it kind of unusual if they decided to get their own babysitter without talking to me about it first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL’s wife should skip marathon.

Why? She probably started training for it way before these in laws decided to plan a wedding in the middle of the day on a Friday. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to run a marathon. I think it’s up to the BIL to figure out childcare — not on his wife to give up a long term goal.

Why?? Because it is her kids and she&bil should figure it out. You don’t stop parenting because you decide to attempt to run a marathon. Op is not an option and should not be.

Having a hobby is not an excuse to dump parenting responsibilities on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

As a parent I need to personally feel comfortable with someone I am entrusting my kids to. I’m not taking someone off a random website that I’ve never met. I know the teen on my kids’ swim team, I also likely know their parents, and they have generally also babysat for other families I know. How is it so mind blowing to you that people don’t want to hire someone off the internet that they’ve never met to watch their kids?

[Anonymous]

Clearly MIL is comfortable imposing on others without regard to their feelings/being the AH. If it is sooooo important to her that the family attends this wedding, why doesn’t she instead guilt trip the MOTB/FOTB (so, her sibling) into an exception to the child free wedding instead of trying to make OP run a daycare operation while the rest of the “family” celebrates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am impressed with your BIL - flying with a 1 YO and 3 YO by himself. How long is the flight?
(These is no way I would watch kids after that)

I'm less impressed that he booked flights with no childcare plan, just assuming someone else would figure it out for him

This! Who the heck books airfare with young kids to a child free wedding without securing childcare ahead of time? If anyone ITA it’s BIL. There’s nothing here to be impressed about.

And BIL’s wife.

Imagine - a thread about MIL’s presumptuous comment somehow being spun to impugn a mom whose only crime is training to achieve a personal goal, and sticking to that on the calendar rather than sacrificing to make her MIL, cousin in law or husband happy. She has done nothing wrong here, and neither has OP. BIL can hire a sitter for his kids like he had planned to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

I think BIL hiring a sitter is fine. MIL expecting that *OP* will be the sitter is incredibly presumptuous and disrespectful. BIL assuming that *OP* has arrangements he can freeload on is pretty presumptuous as well but not monstrous.

I don’t think it’s presumptuous. When my siblings come to visit, I hire a sitter for all of the kids when we go out.

I would find it kind of unusual if they decided to get their own babysitter without talking to me about it first.

? BIL isn’t visiting OP. The wedding isn’t in OP’s town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

As a parent I need to personally feel comfortable with someone I am entrusting my kids to. I’m not taking someone off a random website that I’ve never met. I know the teen on my kids’ swim team, I also likely know their parents, and they have generally also babysat for other families I know. How is it so mind blowing to you that people don’t want to hire someone off the internet that they’ve never met to watch their kids?

Because it doesn’t make any logical sense.
I mean, you could go with someone from a nanny agency or a babysitting agency who has had an interview a background check, childcare experience, and you know is CPR certified.
Or you can go with someone whose mom you know from the swim team bake sale, and your neighbor said that she babysat their kids before.
It just seems like you are being overly reliant on “knowing” someone that you can’t possibly know that well instead of looking at actual objective facts.

I mean, it’s fine. I have hired both and had good experiences with both. But I think that statistically the sadistic or neglectful nanny or babysitter is just as likely to be your friend’s neighbor’s kid as it is to be someone you hired from an agency.

I don’t know. I’m done with this now. I just think you are being silly and overly trusting of your own instincts.