I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - to be clear I never said ‘you will ruin my mental health by coming early’
I said ‘because I’ve had to work right up until the holiday this will be my first day off and I just really would love a second to breathe and regroup for sanity sake before I jump into holiday mode’. I tried my absolute best to be honest while not making it personal. Mil was the one who said ‘well we would not want to impact your mental health’
It was pretty close to the bone bc my mental health is in tatter this year but that’s for a lot of reasons, but I don’t think she’s unaware

OP,

Is it possible to not host next time or not cook/clean at all?

Why must you go through all of that if you are not feeling well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - to be clear I never said ‘you will ruin my mental health by coming early’
I said ‘because I’ve had to work right up until the holiday this will be my first day off and I just really would love a second to breathe and regroup for sanity sake before I jump into holiday mode’. I tried my absolute best to be honest while not making it personal. Mil was the one who said ‘well we would not want to impact your mental health’
It was pretty close to the bone bc my mental health is in tatter this year but that’s for a lot of reasons, but I don’t think she’s unaware

OP, you were completely in the right to do what you did. You cannot control your MIL's narcissistic response. Don't let them unhinged people here make you doubt yourself. Just ignore them and let them make someone else miserable instead. Consider it your Christmas gift to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - to be clear I never said ‘you will ruin my mental health by coming early’
I said ‘because I’ve had to work right up until the holiday this will be my first day off and I just really would love a second to breathe and regroup for sanity sake before I jump into holiday mode’. I tried my absolute best to be honest while not making it personal. Mil was the one who said ‘well we would not want to impact your mental health’
It was pretty close to the bone bc my mental health is in tatter this year but that’s for a lot of reasons, but I don’t think she’s unaware

OP,

Is it possible to not host next time or not cook/clean at all?

Why must you go through all of that if you are not feeling well?

LOL, you think the in-laws who cannot tolerate OP saying she needs them to come a few hours later will tolerate her saying they can't come for Christmas at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

This thread is so interesting in its inconsistencies. On the one hand, people are arguing that the in-laws should be treated as such close family that they should be allowed to come and go as the please regardless of OP's needs or preferences. But on the other hand, they should be treated as polite acquaintances to whom should need confide that things have been stressful and you're feeling overwhelmed.

So you confide in your close ones by telling them that seeing them early affects your sanity. Interesting...

It makes sense that you see inconsistencies. I don't talk to my loved ones like that.

That's quite a narcissistic way of hearing it. Someone able to look outsides themselves might interpret it as OP saying she needs some uninterrupted time to get things done so she can relax and enjoy their visit instead of ignoring everyone (and feeling bad about it) while she scrambles to finish everything.

And someone able to look inside themselves would say it just as you did instead of counting on interpretations, narcissitic or not. Ah, I see you left room for misinterpretation by using "might".

And that is why I don't talk to my loved ones like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

This thread is so interesting in its inconsistencies. On the one hand, people are arguing that the in-laws should be treated as such close family that they should be allowed to come and go as the please regardless of OP's needs or preferences. But on the other hand, they should be treated as polite acquaintances to whom should need confide that things have been stressful and you're feeling overwhelmed.

So you confide in your close ones by telling them that seeing them early affects your sanity. Interesting...

It makes sense that you see inconsistencies. I don't talk to my loved ones like that.

That's quite a narcissistic way of hearing it. Someone able to look outsides themselves might interpret it as OP saying she needs some uninterrupted time to get things done so she can relax and enjoy their visit instead of ignoring everyone (and feeling bad about it) while she scrambles to finish everything.

And someone able to look inside themselves would say it just as you did instead of counting on interpretations, narcissitic or not. Ah, I see you left room for misinterpretation by using "might".

And that is why I don't talk to my loved ones like that.

That pretty much is what OP said to them, which you would know if you bothered to read the thread instead of inventing facts to suit your preferred narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - to be clear I never said ‘you will ruin my mental health by coming early’
I said ‘because I’ve had to work right up until the holiday this will be my first day off and I just really would love a second to breathe and regroup for sanity sake before I jump into holiday mode’. I tried my absolute best to be honest while not making it personal. Mil was the one who said ‘well we would not want to impact your mental health’
It was pretty close to the bone bc my mental health is in tatter this year but that’s for a lot of reasons, but I don’t think she’s unaware

OP,

Is it possible to not host next time or not cook/clean at all?

Why must you go through all of that if you are not feeling well?

LOL, you think the in-laws who cannot tolerate OP saying she needs them to come a few hours later will tolerate her saying they can't come for Christmas at all?

Are you suggesting that OP should host Christmas because her in-laws cannot tolerate "no"? Who are you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

This thread is so interesting in its inconsistencies. On the one hand, people are arguing that the in-laws should be treated as such close family that they should be allowed to come and go as the please regardless of OP's needs or preferences. But on the other hand, they should be treated as polite acquaintances to whom should need confide that things have been stressful and you're feeling overwhelmed.

So you confide in your close ones by telling them that seeing them early affects your sanity. Interesting...

It makes sense that you see inconsistencies. I don't talk to my loved ones like that.

That's quite a narcissistic way of hearing it. Someone able to look outsides themselves might interpret it as OP saying she needs some uninterrupted time to get things done so she can relax and enjoy their visit instead of ignoring everyone (and feeling bad about it) while she scrambles to finish everything.

And someone able to look inside themselves would say it just as you did instead of counting on interpretations, narcissitic or not. Ah, I see you left room for misinterpretation by using "might".

And that is why I don't talk to my loved ones like that.

You don’t talk to your loved ones like what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

DP.

For some, it's more important to have a perfectly set up house and so much food that some will end up being thrown away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

Respect should be mutual
Respect doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter
That’s not healthy for anyone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

Respect should be mutual
Respect doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter
That’s not healthy for anyone

It looks like OP got the respect she was looking for. Her PILs will come later. Is this not what OP wanted? Is this healthy for everyone? Is OP feeling better now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entire reason not to insist on arriving at someone’s home five hours before being invited is always mental health of your host. They don’t want you to come at that time they want you to come later. If you come long before you are invited they will be less happy than if you come later. No one who is an adult should be insulted by this obvious fact

Not everyone understands these basic manners, it seems.

Whoever taught you manners failed. It's a pity that you think it's good manners to tell people that they are affecting your sanity by coming early (like they usually do).

This thread is so interesting in its inconsistencies. On the one hand, people are arguing that the in-laws should be treated as such close family that they should be allowed to come and go as the please regardless of OP's needs or preferences. But on the other hand, they should be treated as polite acquaintances to whom should need confide that things have been stressful and you're feeling overwhelmed.

So you confide in your close ones by telling them that seeing them early affects your sanity. Interesting...

It makes sense that you see inconsistencies. I don't talk to my loved ones like that.

That's quite a narcissistic way of hearing it. Someone able to look outsides themselves might interpret it as OP saying she needs some uninterrupted time to get things done so she can relax and enjoy their visit instead of ignoring everyone (and feeling bad about it) while she scrambles to finish everything.

And someone able to look inside themselves would say it just as you did instead of counting on interpretations, narcissitic or not. Ah, I see you left room for misinterpretation by using "might".

And that is why I don't talk to my loved ones like that.

Someone who repeatedly calls other people “assholes” instead of simply offering different viewpoints doesn’t get to lecture anyone about how to speak to others. -np

[Anonymous]

DP.

For some, it's more important to have a perfectly set up house and so much food that some will end up being thrown away.

You’re reading a lot into the OP that is not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

Respect should be mutual
Respect doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter
That’s not healthy for anyone

It looks like OP got the respect she was looking for. Her PILs will come later. Is this not what OP wanted? Is this healthy for everyone? Is OP feeling better now?

Better than if she had to see her rude MIL all day instead of just for a few hours today. Cheers, OP! Hope you’re having a good day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

Great post. Unfortunately OP is in the "not everyone can do that" category. Too much navel gazing and too little respect for others, especially her elders.

Respect should be mutual
Respect doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter
That’s not healthy for anyone

It looks like OP got the respect she was looking for. Her PILs will come later. Is this not what OP wanted? Is this healthy for everyone? Is OP feeling better now?

Better than if she had to see her rude MIL all day instead of just for a few hours today. Cheers, OP! Hope you’re having a good day.

PIL are coming later. OP has enough time to clean, cook, decorate and vent on DCUM. Yay!