MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?

[Anonymous]

What I would do is continue to have declined her request for the rest of the trip.

Thank MIL and FIL for the visit, and in the future decline to sleep over until baby was STTN, as you think it would be better for everyone especially the baby.

I would not have pushed my parent/in-law.

I would not have told them they should use a white noise machine or close their door.

[Anonymous]

I think it's only natural for MIL to react like that; she's a mom as well, ready to help and protect. It's nice!

Let her feel needed, it's only for four minutes anyway!

[Anonymous]

So what? Sounds like MIL was concerned. How does she know if this is normal? She might have been worried the baby was getting sick, or was uncomfortable in the house and maybe it was too warm or too cold and maybe she could adjust the thermostat? They were in her house and she probably feels responsible and bad that maybe the baby is having a rough time and she wanted to know if they needed anything. It doesn't make her an evil witch trying to steal the baby away and engage in a power struggle. There are other ways to look at it which you seem incapable of doing.

I’m not the poster you quoted. And I think if this had happened once, or twice, that you might be right and she might have felt responsible. It’s the part where she repeatedly ignores their requests that makes me skeptical of this theory. The benefit of the doubt can only extend for so long.

Also; it would make me feel like my MIL (or mother) couldn’t be trusted with instructions, so I would be less likely to leave the baby in her care. Like if she can’t remember “please don’t disturb us at night, we have it under control” how is she going to remember that Larlo has a dangerous nut allergy?

Maybe she would be that type of babysitter, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. MIL hasn't had a baby in the house in a very long time, assuming this is the first grandchild. She probably totally forgot what it's like to have a baby up and crying every night. Probably the visit didn't go the way she hoped either. So, you can either make adjustments and go about it differently next time or burn all the bridges and cut off that side of the family. Which sounds more rational?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So what? Sounds like MIL was concerned. How does she know if this is normal? She might have been worried the baby was getting sick, or was uncomfortable in the house and maybe it was too warm or too cold and maybe she could adjust the thermostat? They were in her house and she probably feels responsible and bad that maybe the baby is having a rough time and she wanted to know if they needed anything. It doesn't make her an evil witch trying to steal the baby away and engage in a power struggle. There are other ways to look at it which you seem incapable of doing.

I’m not the poster you quoted. And I think if this had happened once, or twice, that you might be right and she might have felt responsible. It’s the part where she repeatedly ignores their requests that makes me skeptical of this theory. The benefit of the doubt can only extend for so long.

Also; it would make me feel like my MIL (or mother) couldn’t be trusted with instructions, so I would be less likely to leave the baby in her care. Like if she can’t remember “please don’t disturb us at night, we have it under control” how is she going to remember that Larlo has a dangerous nut allergy?

Maybe she would be that type of babysitter, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. MIL hasn't had a baby in the house in a very long time, assuming this is the first grandchild. She probably totally forgot what it's like to have a baby up and crying every night. Probably the visit didn't go the way she hoped either. So, you can either make adjustments and go about it differently next time or burn all the bridges and cut off that side of the family. Which sounds more rational?


But they are making adjustments. They’re not staying with someone who can’t be courteous and respectful. That’s...very rational.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

A good mom wouldn't let the baby cry for 4 minutes in any of this. Do better.

I don’t need to, thankfully, my parents and in laws are respectful, kind people who love their granddaughter.

Oh, you only have one? Figures. You sounds inexperienced and new to this.

Yup! But learning very quickly to be thankful for my parents and in-laws who would never behave like this!

Mine aren't like that either, but the whole "it's MY baby not yours" sounds like very brand new mom speak. When you have more kids and are spread thin you become a little more grateful for the help you can get and aren't so worried about being judged for your parenting skills as a first time mom.

Oh I’m grateful for help, when it’s help! Someone loudly disturbing my baby during her middle of the night feeding isn’t help. Doing it repeatedly for several days is downright counterproductive. My mom and MiL are great help, which is to say they contribute actual assistance.

The baby was already up, and wasn't being disturbed you are twisting and making up facts to support your all MILs are evil agenda.
She offered help. That is not a crime. It is also not a reason for OP to push her or be nasty.

Perhaps it’s my youthful inexperience but my baby woke up once, had her diaper changed, ate and slept again peacefully. If someone or something disturbed her during that time, she took much longer to settle back down. Someone loudly talking outside the door would have disturbed her.

I don’t think MiLs are evil. Mine is great. She would also never stand outside my bedroom in the middle of the night talking loudly whether I had a baby or not.

Wait until you have your next baby and your now toddler screams outside the baby's door. This perfect routine only exists when there is 1 baby in the house, you have to learn to be much less rigid and flexible when you have another or more. The rigidity isn't helping, especially when traveling.

My baby travels fine thanks. She has stayed with her grandparents and she has even fussed in the middle of the night without them standing outside the door talking. You know what was super helpful? When my mom took her in the morning after she’d nursed so I could sleep for two more hours. Bliss! And? Actual help.

So did your mom just magically know to do this or did you tell her what would be helpful? If she had come to ask w if she could help would you have yelled at her and pushed her?

OMG.

They “told her what would be helpful” before they ever came.
They told her again on the second night.
And the third night.
Rinse, repeat.

So what? Sounds like MIL was concerned. How does she know if this is normal? She might have been worried the baby was getting sick, or was uncomfortable in the house and maybe it was too warm or too cold and maybe she could adjust the thermostat? They were in her house and she probably feels responsible and bad that maybe the baby is having a rough time and she wanted to know if they needed anything. It doesn't make her an evil witch trying to steal the baby away and engage in a power struggle. There are other ways to look at it which you seem incapable of doing.

That is fine the first night, even after having an explanation beforehand I could imagine she forgot or wanted to check in. But she did this every night. At that point it's either passive aggressive or a sign that she's starting to have memory issues.

Can't believe the controversy, this seems so clear cut to me, and an example of why travel with an infant is so hard. All these people blaming OP for a 4 month old crying in the middle of the night in someone else's house and bothering MIL. That's what they do! OP could have stayed home! Would have been easier!

Also, questioning her need to use the bathroom and calling it drama and commotion - really? She had a baby 4 months ago. I know my pelvic control took a while to come back 100% and if I needed to go at night, trying to hold it in would have been a bad idea. This is a horrible thing to nitpick. I get a sense some of you are a little further away from tbis stage of your lives and don't remember or were lucky to avoid some of the uglier details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's only natural for MIL to react like that; she's a mom as well, ready to help and protect. It's nice!

Let her feel needed, it's only for four minutes anyway!

Needing to feel needed is codependency and should definitely not be encouraged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So what? Sounds like MIL was concerned. How does she know if this is normal? She might have been worried the baby was getting sick, or was uncomfortable in the house and maybe it was too warm or too cold and maybe she could adjust the thermostat? They were in her house and she probably feels responsible and bad that maybe the baby is having a rough time and she wanted to know if they needed anything. It doesn't make her an evil witch trying to steal the baby away and engage in a power struggle. There are other ways to look at it which you seem incapable of doing.

I’m not the poster you quoted. And I think if this had happened once, or twice, that you might be right and she might have felt responsible. It’s the part where she repeatedly ignores their requests that makes me skeptical of this theory. The benefit of the doubt can only extend for so long.

Also; it would make me feel like my MIL (or mother) couldn’t be trusted with instructions, so I would be less likely to leave the baby in her care. Like if she can’t remember “please don’t disturb us at night, we have it under control” how is she going to remember that Larlo has a dangerous nut allergy?

Maybe she would be that type of babysitter, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. MIL hasn't had a baby in the house in a very long time, assuming this is the first grandchild. She probably totally forgot what it's like to have a baby up and crying every night. Probably the visit didn't go the way she hoped either. So, you can either make adjustments and go about it differently next time or burn all the bridges and cut off that side of the family. Which sounds more rational?


But they are making adjustments. They’re not staying with someone who can’t be courteous and respectful. That’s...very rational.


OP sounds rational at this point, but some of the other posters saying they would never see MIL ever again, do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So what? Sounds like MIL was concerned. How does she know if this is normal? She might have been worried the baby was getting sick, or was uncomfortable in the house and maybe it was too warm or too cold and maybe she could adjust the thermostat? They were in her house and she probably feels responsible and bad that maybe the baby is having a rough time and she wanted to know if they needed anything. It doesn't make her an evil witch trying to steal the baby away and engage in a power struggle. There are other ways to look at it which you seem incapable of doing.

I’m not the poster you quoted. And I think if this had happened once, or twice, that you might be right and she might have felt responsible. It’s the part where she repeatedly ignores their requests that makes me skeptical of this theory. The benefit of the doubt can only extend for so long.

Also; it would make me feel like my MIL (or mother) couldn’t be trusted with instructions, so I would be less likely to leave the baby in her care. Like if she can’t remember “please don’t disturb us at night, we have it under control” how is she going to remember that Larlo has a dangerous nut allergy?

Maybe she would be that type of babysitter, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. MIL hasn't had a baby in the house in a very long time, assuming this is the first grandchild. She probably totally forgot what it's like to have a baby up and crying every night. Probably the visit didn't go the way she hoped either. So, you can either make adjustments and go about it differently next time or burn all the bridges and cut off that side of the family. Which sounds more rational?


But they are making adjustments. They’re not staying with someone who can’t be courteous and respectful. That’s...very rational.


OP sounds rational at this point, but some of the other posters saying they would never see MIL ever again, do not.



I don’t see anyone saying never see her again. I see people saying never stay in her house again, which will naturally diminish how much time she spends with her grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So what? Sounds like MIL was concerned. How does she know if this is normal? She might have been worried the baby was getting sick, or was uncomfortable in the house and maybe it was too warm or too cold and maybe she could adjust the thermostat? They were in her house and she probably feels responsible and bad that maybe the baby is having a rough time and she wanted to know if they needed anything. It doesn't make her an evil witch trying to steal the baby away and engage in a power struggle. There are other ways to look at it which you seem incapable of doing.

I’m not the poster you quoted. And I think if this had happened once, or twice, that you might be right and she might have felt responsible. It’s the part where she repeatedly ignores their requests that makes me skeptical of this theory. The benefit of the doubt can only extend for so long.

Also; it would make me feel like my MIL (or mother) couldn’t be trusted with instructions, so I would be less likely to leave the baby in her care. Like if she can’t remember “please don’t disturb us at night, we have it under control” how is she going to remember that Larlo has a dangerous nut allergy?

Maybe she would be that type of babysitter, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. MIL hasn't had a baby in the house in a very long time, assuming this is the first grandchild. She probably totally forgot what it's like to have a baby up and crying every night. Probably the visit didn't go the way she hoped either. So, you can either make adjustments and go about it differently next time or burn all the bridges and cut off that side of the family. Which sounds more rational?

Do you seriously not read, or is it that you lack basic reading comprehension skills.

***MIL WAS TOLD ABOUT THE ONE NIGHT WAKEUP AND HOW THEY HANDLE IT EVEN BEFORE THE TRIP STARTED. OP and DH offered to stay in a hotel. Then they reiterated that all was well the morning after the first night of MIL getting up and asking if all was OK.***

My goodness. READ.

[Anonymous]

Honestly you are being a jerk. I understand you are new at this and u get frazzled when the routine is broken. She has not had a baby in many years, maybe she was trying to see how she could help. You were just plain rude.

[Anonymous]

How is this thread 20 pages and counting??!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly you are being a jerk. I understand you are new at this and u get frazzled when the routine is broken. She has not had a baby in many years, maybe she was trying to see how she could help. You were just plain rude.

You’re just being a tired old broken record. Read first before dispensing your pearls of wisdom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So what? Sounds like MIL was concerned. How does she know if this is normal? She might have been worried the baby was getting sick, or was uncomfortable in the house and maybe it was too warm or too cold and maybe she could adjust the thermostat? They were in her house and she probably feels responsible and bad that maybe the baby is having a rough time and she wanted to know if they needed anything. It doesn't make her an evil witch trying to steal the baby away and engage in a power struggle. There are other ways to look at it which you seem incapable of doing.

I’m not the poster you quoted. And I think if this had happened once, or twice, that you might be right and she might have felt responsible. It’s the part where she repeatedly ignores their requests that makes me skeptical of this theory. The benefit of the doubt can only extend for so long.

Also; it would make me feel like my MIL (or mother) couldn’t be trusted with instructions, so I would be less likely to leave the baby in her care. Like if she can’t remember “please don’t disturb us at night, we have it under control” how is she going to remember that Larlo has a dangerous nut allergy?

Maybe she would be that type of babysitter, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. MIL hasn't had a baby in the house in a very long time, assuming this is the first grandchild. She probably totally forgot what it's like to have a baby up and crying every night. Probably the visit didn't go the way she hoped either. So, you can either make adjustments and go about it differently next time or burn all the bridges and cut off that side of the family. Which sounds more rational?

Do you seriously not read, or is it that you lack basic reading comprehension skills.

***MIL WAS TOLD ABOUT THE ONE NIGHT WAKEUP AND HOW THEY HANDLE IT EVEN BEFORE THE TRIP STARTED. OP and DH offered to stay in a hotel. Then they reiterated that all was well the morning after the first night of MIL getting up and asking if all was OK.***

My goodness. READ.

Because obviously she still wasn't sure. She might be a moron too. Both are possible. DIL should have a sense of who she was dealing with. But, you need to get a grip. This isn't even your MIL, crazy pants.

[Anonymous]

OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

[Anonymous]

Also, look in your beautiful baby’s eyes and imagine yourself as the grandmother of her kids. Wouldn’t you want to be included? Letting a grandparent help with basic things, also makes future relationships so much closer. God willing, you will be older one day. I hope your kids/spouses show you more grace.