MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

This isn’t the grave insult you guys think it is. There is nowhere in the universe a gracious hostess stands outside her guests bedroom door talking loudly in the middle of the night, night after night, after being asked not to. Asking for peace and quiet at night is not “rigid” whether you have a baby or not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

This isn’t the grave insult you guys think it is. There is nowhere in the universe a gracious hostess stands outside her guests bedroom door talking loudly in the middle of the night, night after night, after being asked not to. Asking for peace and quiet at night is not “rigid” whether you have a baby or not!

It sounds like the MIL asked questions in a normal tone of voice at a time when every person in the house was awake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, look in your beautiful baby’s eyes and imagine yourself as the grandmother of her kids. Wouldn’t you want to be included? Letting a grandparent help with basic things, also makes future relationships so much closer. God willing, you will be older one day. I hope your kids/spouses show you more grace.

Found the clueless MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

This isn’t the grave insult you guys think it is. There is nowhere in the universe a gracious hostess stands outside her guests bedroom door talking loudly in the middle of the night, night after night, after being asked not to. Asking for peace and quiet at night is not “rigid” whether you have a baby or not!

It sounds like the MIL asked questions in a normal tone of voice at a time when every person in the house was awake.

The parents of the baby were capable of handling the situation. What was the need for MIL to insert herself repeatedly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, look in your beautiful baby’s eyes and imagine yourself as the grandmother of her kids. Wouldn’t you want to be included? Letting a grandparent help with basic things, also makes future relationships so much closer. God willing, you will be older one day. I hope your kids/spouses show you more grace.

Grandparent hours are from the time the *parents* say it is wake-up time until the *parents* say it is bedtime. It is also not grandparent time when baby needs to be breastfed (unless mom is comfortable with grandparents in the room) or during nap time (unless parents say it is OK for the grandparent to put the baby down).

4 a.m. is not grandparent time. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

She just wants to hold your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

This isn’t the grave insult you guys think it is. There is nowhere in the universe a gracious hostess stands outside her guests bedroom door talking loudly in the middle of the night, night after night, after being asked not to. Asking for peace and quiet at night is not “rigid” whether you have a baby or not!

It sounds like the MIL asked questions in a normal tone of voice at a time when every person in the house was awake.

That’s not what the OP says. It says she’s speaking loudly in several spots. This is rude even without a baby but it’s especially cruel when someone is trying to soothe a baby to sleep. To me it seems like MIL cares about attention more than the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

This isn’t the grave insult you guys think it is. There is nowhere in the universe a gracious hostess stands outside her guests bedroom door talking loudly in the middle of the night, night after night, after being asked not to. Asking for peace and quiet at night is not “rigid” whether you have a baby or not!

It sounds like the MIL asked questions in a normal tone of voice at a time when every person in the house was awake.

NP. No, a baby who cries in the middle of the night is not necessarily "awake" in the sense that a normal tone is appropriate. Frequently babies that little are still drowsy, which is why they can easily fall back asleep after only fifteen minutes. MIL asking questions in a normal tone risks the baby waking up completely, which could mean it takes baby far longer to fall back asleep. There's a reason why parents like OP keep to the routine once they find one that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She just wants to hold your baby.

And she is welcome to during the daytime. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is this thread 20 pages and counting??!!!

Mostly because people don’t know how to properly use their quote function so are quoting entire pages instead of what they are responding to.

[Anonymous]

MIL and FIL- hotel.
Visit at pre-arranged times and meals, no surprises.
Not her child, not her business.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

A good mom wouldn't let the baby cry for 4 minutes in any of this. Do better.

I don’t need to, thankfully, my parents and in laws are respectful, kind people who love their granddaughter.

Oh, you only have one? Figures. You sounds inexperienced and new to this.

Yup! But learning very quickly to be thankful for my parents and in-laws who would never behave like this!

Mine aren't like that either, but the whole "it's MY baby not yours" sounds like very brand new mom speak. When you have more kids and are spread thin you become a little more grateful for the help you can get and aren't so worried about being judged for your parenting skills as a first time mom.

Oh I’m grateful for help, when it’s help! Someone loudly disturbing my baby during her middle of the night feeding isn’t help. Doing it repeatedly for several days is downright counterproductive. My mom and MiL are great help, which is to say they contribute actual assistance.

The baby was already up, and wasn't being disturbed you are twisting and making up facts to support your all MILs are evil agenda.
She offered help. That is not a crime. It is also not a reason for OP to push her or be nasty.

Perhaps it’s my youthful inexperience but my baby woke up once, had her diaper changed, ate and slept again peacefully. If someone or something disturbed her during that time, she took much longer to settle back down. Someone loudly talking outside the door would have disturbed her.

I don’t think MiLs are evil. Mine is great. She would also never stand outside my bedroom in the middle of the night talking loudly whether I had a baby or not.

Wait until you have your next baby and your now toddler screams outside the baby's door. This perfect routine only exists when there is 1 baby in the house, you have to learn to be much less rigid and flexible when you have another or more. The rigidity isn't helping, especially when traveling.

My baby travels fine thanks. She has stayed with her grandparents and she has even fussed in the middle of the night without them standing outside the door talking. You know what was super helpful? When my mom took her in the morning after she’d nursed so I could sleep for two more hours. Bliss! And? Actual help.

So did your mom just magically know to do this or did you tell her what would be helpful? If she had come to ask w if she could help would you have yelled at her and pushed her?

No one pushed anyone. OP clarified this, so don't be hyperbolic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

A good mom wouldn't let the baby cry for 4 minutes in any of this. Do better.

I don’t need to, thankfully, my parents and in laws are respectful, kind people who love their granddaughter.

Oh, you only have one? Figures. You sounds inexperienced and new to this.

Yup! But learning very quickly to be thankful for my parents and in-laws who would never behave like this!

Mine aren't like that either, but the whole "it's MY baby not yours" sounds like very brand new mom speak. When you have more kids and are spread thin you become a little more grateful for the help you can get and aren't so worried about being judged for your parenting skills as a first time mom.

Oh I’m grateful for help, when it’s help! Someone loudly disturbing my baby during her middle of the night feeding isn’t help. Doing it repeatedly for several days is downright counterproductive. My mom and MiL are great help, which is to say they contribute actual assistance.

The baby was already up, and wasn't being disturbed you are twisting and making up facts to support your all MILs are evil agenda.
She offered help. That is not a crime. It is also not a reason for OP to push her or be nasty.

Perhaps it’s my youthful inexperience but my baby woke up once, had her diaper changed, ate and slept again peacefully. If someone or something disturbed her during that time, she took much longer to settle back down. Someone loudly talking outside the door would have disturbed her.

I don’t think MiLs are evil. Mine is great. She would also never stand outside my bedroom in the middle of the night talking loudly whether I had a baby or not.

Wait until you have your next baby and your now toddler screams outside the baby's door. This perfect routine only exists when there is 1 baby in the house, you have to learn to be much less rigid and flexible when you have another or more. The rigidity isn't helping, especially when traveling.

My baby travels fine thanks. She has stayed with her grandparents and she has even fussed in the middle of the night without them standing outside the door talking. You know what was super helpful? When my mom took her in the morning after she’d nursed so I could sleep for two more hours. Bliss! And? Actual help.

So did your mom just magically know to do this or did you tell her what would be helpful? If she had come to ask w if she could help would you have yelled at her and pushed her?

We talked about it, just like OP and her husband seem to have tried to do. I have asked both my mom and my MiL not to do certain things that were very normal in their day, and they have never done them, and it’s never been a problem. They are confident in their roles and don’t need to be pushy. If I asked them not to do something and they did it over and over, I might not have yelled but I certainly wouldn’t have continued to stay with them.

Doesn't sound like there was a discussion in this case just a rundown of the routine and what MIL was not allowed to do in her house. Not exactly great communication. I wonder if the routine was printed and handed out when they arrived?

These snide comments really don't strengthen your case, you know. Just makes you look like a nasty lunatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

This isn’t the grave insult you guys think it is. There is nowhere in the universe a gracious hostess stands outside her guests bedroom door talking loudly in the middle of the night, night after night, after being asked not to. Asking for peace and quiet at night is not “rigid” whether you have a baby or not!

It sounds like the MIL asked questions in a normal tone of voice at a time when every person in the house was awake.

The parents of the baby were capable of handling the situation. What was the need for MIL to insert herself repeatedly?

Maybe the MIL was concerned something wrong because it doesn’t take two adults to change a diaper and feed a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

A good mom wouldn't let the baby cry for 4 minutes in any of this. Do better.

I don’t need to, thankfully, my parents and in laws are respectful, kind people who love their granddaughter.

Oh, you only have one? Figures. You sounds inexperienced and new to this.

Yup! But learning very quickly to be thankful for my parents and in-laws who would never behave like this!

Mine aren't like that either, but the whole "it's MY baby not yours" sounds like very brand new mom speak. When you have more kids and are spread thin you become a little more grateful for the help you can get and aren't so worried about being judged for your parenting skills as a first time mom.

Oh I’m grateful for help, when it’s help! Someone loudly disturbing my baby during her middle of the night feeding isn’t help. Doing it repeatedly for several days is downright counterproductive. My mom and MiL are great help, which is to say they contribute actual assistance.

The baby was already up, and wasn't being disturbed you are twisting and making up facts to support your all MILs are evil agenda.
She offered help. That is not a crime. It is also not a reason for OP to push her or be nasty.

Perhaps it’s my youthful inexperience but my baby woke up once, had her diaper changed, ate and slept again peacefully. If someone or something disturbed her during that time, she took much longer to settle back down. Someone loudly talking outside the door would have disturbed her.

I don’t think MiLs are evil. Mine is great. She would also never stand outside my bedroom in the middle of the night talking loudly whether I had a baby or not.

Wait until you have your next baby and your now toddler screams outside the baby's door. This perfect routine only exists when there is 1 baby in the house, you have to learn to be much less rigid and flexible when you have another or more. The rigidity isn't helping, especially when traveling.

My baby travels fine thanks. She has stayed with her grandparents and she has even fussed in the middle of the night without them standing outside the door talking. You know what was super helpful? When my mom took her in the morning after she’d nursed so I could sleep for two more hours. Bliss! And? Actual help.

So did your mom just magically know to do this or did you tell her what would be helpful? If she had come to ask w if she could help would you have yelled at her and pushed her?

We talked about it, just like OP and her husband seem to have tried to do. I have asked both my mom and my MiL not to do certain things that were very normal in their day, and they have never done them, and it’s never been a problem. They are confident in their roles and don’t need to be pushy. If I asked them not to do something and they did it over and over, I might not have yelled but I certainly wouldn’t have continued to stay with them.

Doesn't sound like there was a discussion in this case just a rundown of the routine and what MIL was not allowed to do in her house. Not exactly great communication. I wonder if the routine was printed and handed out when they arrived?

These snide comments really don't strengthen your case, you know. Just makes you look like a nasty lunatic.

Oh, you got me now Your name calling is so pleasant, polite, and rational. Don't you have a MIL to shove?