Stop asking teens about college plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, OP. It’s like asking a woman if she’s pregnant.

How so?
Literally people can’t talk to each other without offending someone.

Horseshit deflection. Puts the “skills” back in social skills.

To neighbor woman:
Oh are you pregnant? (No, just had miscarriage but im fatter from hormones so that’s what you’re visualizing)
Alternate: Oh, your dog got a new harness/your roses are spectacular!/when are they beginning repaving work on our block?/how do you like your new Honda?/what do you think about the new trash pickup schedule?

+1

People are insanely competitive/rude/nosy in this area. Don’t take the bait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I’ll share with you advice I gleaned on this this subject at the briefing given to junior parents by the head counselor at the very prestigious NYC private school.

So the fact that this challenge was addressed means it is actually a real problem for seniors.

Try something like: “There are a lot of different colleges/kinds of colleges I’m interested in/could be interested in attending/colleges where I could be happy” If pressed, I’ll definitely let you know.“

If pressed on a particular college “Thanks so much for the info. I’ll definitely take that into consideration.”

At the briefing, they didn’t get into specific questions about SAT scores. I can’t believe anyone would ask that. If so, maybe a very ironic “Who knows, my mom takes care of that. Maybe ask her?” Okay so that would maybe work for my rude DC, maybe not for everyone.

I love that!

But yeah, adults will ask about scores. A friend of mine was at a doctor's appointment, got into small talk with the doctor about the fact that her kid is a high school senior looking at college, and the doctor asked his score! When she told him, he was super rude and critical about it (not being high enough) too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh Pleeze, OP.

This is just someone trying to be interested in your kid and make small talk. My senior (and I) have been receiving these questions for about 6 mos. It's tough b/c DD has pretty severe anxiety, doesn't have good grades, has average test scores, and doesn't really want to think about college much! BUT, in some ways, those questions are just the natural low-end pressure that exists. Asking for people to stop asking, is like asking the wind to stop blowing.

It isn't gonna happen. And frankly, my kid and your kid need to learn to deal with the wind and the questions.

It's only going to happen more. It's somewhat painful for me b/c DD is so not like me.... so NOT into planning for the next thing, not into competing, etc. But, I don't expect the world to bend to my child's sensitivities.

The answer to your plea, is that YOU and your child need to toughen up on this one. Find an answer that works for you, and deal with it.

"She's still thinking about her options."
"The whole thing stresses her out."
"There's still time. Not sure what she'll decide."

All of these are legitimate options. Pick one.

+1. Give an answer like one of the above. Or, as others have suggested, "She's trying to figure it out. Where did you/your kids go? Would you reccomend it?".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A better question is What are your plans after graduation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never ask someone their SAT scores! But no, I don’t agree that the topic of plans for college are off limits or inappropriate.

Agree. And this “it is too stressful to ask teens about their college plans” thing is among this gen of snowflakes - I am sure plenty of adults asked me when I was a senior and I managed to answer without being psychologically impaired. As a pp said, let them feel a little uncomfortable without feeling the need to deflect the kid from what are simply interested questions from adults who probably don’t know much else to ask teens.

The process is just so much more all-encompassing than when we applied to school. They never escape it. Everywhere they turn people are asking about college and they're already stressed about it. The kids will manage but if you can have a conversation about another facet of their lives, they'd LOVE it.

+1. The process now is nothing like when we applied to college. The PP who thinks her experience as a college senior is remotely relevant to today’s experience either has young children or is just particularly oblivious to reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, OP. It’s like asking a woman if she’s pregnant.

How so?
Literally people can’t talk to each other without offending someone.

Horseshit deflection. Puts the “skills” back in social skills.

To neighbor woman:
Oh are you pregnant? (No, just had miscarriage but im fatter from hormones so that’s what you’re visualizing)
Alternate: Oh, your dog got a new harness/your roses are spectacular!/when are they beginning repaving work on our block?/how do you like your new Honda?/what do you think about the new trash pickup schedule?

I can’t even understand this post.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kid is going to have to deal with questions she doesn’t want to answer her whole life. You aren’t going to change the questioner but you can help her come up with some stock answers to change the topic.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. Adults have a hard time talking to teens. Going to college is the one thing that most people did that teens also still do even though the whole situation is different now. Most adults also have super fond memories of college so it is fun for them to connect with kids and remember their times. There is no requirement that your child tell the truth. I told my kids to say whatever they want. Tell them you are applying to all the ivies. Tell them you want to be a neurosurgeon or a marine biologist or a poet. Make up answers that are fun for you. No one is gonna follow up. They are just making conversation. Also there is no guarantee that you get to go through life without being uncomfortable. Oh and wait until they are a senior in college and people start asking about jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids at that age need to realize that attending college is the expectation. If they plan to deviate they better have a good back plan, and be able to articulate it to adults convincingly. You are lucky you have savvy acquaintances. You can’t shelter her forever.

I work with high school students (not a teacher); I ask how their school year is going or if a senior…what plans they have after graduation.

Love the idea of having DD ask about the questioners’ children’s plans.

Side note: we are losing the art of conversation and benign banter and exchange of pleasantries. Teach DD to hold a polite conversation with adults.

[Anonymous]

OP, unless you are a massive hypocrite, you are never/are teaching your children to never:

-Ask people about dating. Not everyone has someone, or wants to.
-Ask people about vacations. Some people can’t afford them, or have agoraphobia.
-Ask people where they’re from. It’s none of your business, and maybe they don’t want to share that personal info.
-Ask what someone’s favorite color is. Some people are COLORBLIND, you insensitive cow.
-Ask if someone is planning to get engaged/married. None of your business.
-Ask someone if they’re going to have kids. OMG, none of your business.
-Ask someone if they like they’re job. Maybe they don’t, or maybe they have a trust fund. It’s none of your business.
-Ask what someone’s favorite food is. Maybe they have an eating disorder—be SENSITIVE!
-Ask someone about anything, ever.

OR…teach your kids that small talk is just that, and they don’t have to go into detail detail if they don’t want to. You can teach them that small talk is a part of life, and most people don’t actually give a crap; they’re just making conversation.

Nobody gives a shyt where your kid goes/what they will major in, just so you know. Really.

[Anonymous]

The fallacy is random adults (or even well-meaning aunties, of which I am one) thinking the teens want to talk to us about anything. They really don’t. Don’t want to tell you about what’s going on in their lives, don’t want to know about yours.

[Anonymous]

Get over yourself. Land the helicopter. Now is a perfectly fine age to learn that…people make awkward small talk. And you do your best with it. You and you alone are in charge of handling how/if you respond, not world-policing what other grown adults can choose to discuss.

I have encountered nosy neighbors, nosy people at work, nosy daycare parents, etc., etc. From now until death, your pwecious widdle baby will be faced with tone-deaf people, people who lack social graces, and nosy busybodies.

That.
Is.
Part.
Of.
Life.

“Haven’t decided on all that yet. How’s Janie? I heard she’s headed to Michigan State—that’s fantastic!”

[Anonymous]

No, OP. It’s a natural question and one your daughter needs to learn how to handle.

My DD is dyslexic and a junior in high school and will probably stay home for the first three years of a great community college. She’s definitely learned to answer questions about her college plans honestly and gracefully (which is no easy feat in a competitive area). If my kid can do it so can yours.

[Anonymous]

These responses are so predictable of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

"It'll be a surprise"
"I don't want to talk about it anymore or I'll ruin the surprise"

(and Op, it may be a small number but a few students may want to talk about it --- depending on the adult they are talking to)