Overly involved inlaws who are a nuisance at kids activities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are in the traditional role where your in laws count on you to coordinate everything, drop the rope. Let your husband be responsible for managing his parents. If he forgets to tell them about a game or concert or whatever, oh well.

OP here. I did play that role for a long time and have tried to wean them (and me) off this for the last couple of years. When they come to me with requests, I I usually tell them to talk to DH. I redirect to him as much as possible in a nice way. The problem is that my husband plays this role pretty badly as he is more disorganized (and many times has no clue what the children’s schedule is) so they always come back to me. He sucks at coordinating and can’t see an issue with how obnoxious, rude and overbearing his parents are. His view is that we should “just deal with it because they love us.”

Great! Now you nicely “forget” and become disorganized too.

[Anonymous]

I would soooo hate this. They call daily (and won’t take no for an answer) and insist on coming to everything?

If your DH is ok with it (and keeps telling them about events) I honestly don’t see what you can do.

Don’t get me wrong- local grandparents attending things is great. But I mean attending 3 baseball games out of 12, not every single one. Attending some performances, not all.

You’d think they would be busy sometimes or have other plans!?

Gosh, if the grandparents will be there every time (and so will DH) I’d be tempted to skip out of some of this stuff myself, if you can’t keep them from coming.

I like to watch my kids games and performances and get to know the other parents etc...I would not want to feel I have to entertain my ILs every time. In that case, I’d rather not go at all.

Can you spin some of this with DH as “hey I want to get to know other parents, not sit with your parents all the time- even though I like them”?

It could possibly work to make plans with another family afterward (going out for pizza etc)- maybe the ILs would sit that particular game or activity out?

Other than that, I’ve got nothin’. Really tough one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were rude. They were offered tickets. Watch your words around your kids. Keep events a secret if you don’t want them attending.

Wrong. They were offered tickets, so sit in their seats, watch the show and take pictures afterward just like everyone else, not barge backstage where she wasn't allowed, refuse to leave and demand immediate photo ops as the kids were getting ready to go onstage. GTFOH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are in the traditional role where your in laws count on you to coordinate everything, drop the rope. Let your husband be responsible for managing his parents. If he forgets to tell them about a game or concert or whatever, oh well.

OP here. I did play that role for a long time and have tried to wean them (and me) off this for the last couple of years. When they come to me with requests, I I usually tell them to talk to DH. I redirect to him as much as possible in a nice way. The problem is that my husband plays this role pretty badly as he is more disorganized (and many times has no clue what the children’s schedule is) so they always come back to me. He sucks at coordinating and can’t see an issue with how obnoxious, rude and overbearing his parents are. His view is that we should “just deal with it because they love us.”

Great! Now you nicely “forget” and become disorganized too.

+1. Don’t let them get back to you. Miss the calls, leave texts on read, when they ask about things double down on the “um, I’m not sure, talk to DH about scheduling that”. And when they barge in, be polite but don’t entertain or be the super host. Say hello and go run an errand while your DH takes care of things. He will soon learn that they are pushy and overbearing.

[Anonymous]

If I were going to apologize it would be something like this. “I’m sorry my frustration with your rule-breaking got the better of me. How can I more clearly convey rules to you in the future? What would you like me to do to avoid your breaking rules next time? Text you the rules in advance?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were rude. They were offered tickets. Watch your words around your kids. Keep events a secret if you don’t want them attending.

Wrong. They were offered tickets, so sit in their seats, watch the show and take pictures afterward just like everyone else, not barge backstage where she wasn't allowed, refuse to leave and demand immediate photo ops as the kids were getting ready to go onstage. GTFOH.

People who don’t understand boundaries truly confuse me. How could you not feel badly that you are harassing people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are in the traditional role where your in laws count on you to coordinate everything, drop the rope. Let your husband be responsible for managing his parents. If he forgets to tell them about a game or concert or whatever, oh well.

OP here. I did play that role for a long time and have tried to wean them (and me) off this for the last couple of years. When they come to me with requests, I I usually tell them to talk to DH. I redirect to him as much as possible in a nice way. The problem is that my husband plays this role pretty badly as he is more disorganized (and many times has no clue what the children’s schedule is) so they always come back to me. He sucks at coordinating and can’t see an issue with how obnoxious, rude and overbearing his parents are. His view is that we should “just deal with it because they love us.”

Great! Now you nicely “forget” and become disorganized too.

+1. Don’t let them get back to you. Miss the calls, leave texts on read, when they ask about things double down on the “um, I’m not sure, talk to DH about scheduling that”. And when they barge in, be polite but don’t entertain or be the super host. Say hello and go run an errand while your DH takes care of things. He will soon learn that they are pushy and overbearing.

Yup I do all of this. “Oh gosh I don’t even know when the recital is, DH said he was checking. I’m sure he’ll call you back when he has time.”

[Anonymous]

You need to stop being the main point of contact with your ILs, and shift that responsibility to your DH. This can be challenging once the pattern has been established. I got into this pattern with my ILs when my kids were small, and though I was doing a kindness/favor. The problem is: once they get used to it, they take it for granted and get mad at YOU when you can’t meet their needs.

How to get out of this pattern without blowing the relationship up? As someone said, start taking awhile to get back to them. Says lots of “gosh I don’t know...I’ll check with DH and have him get back to you!” (And then tell dh “hey your mom was wondering about xyz, can you please get back to her”) If they send text fishing for info, always be polite but don’t get wrapped up. “Hi Susan, glad you and Bob had a great dinner. Yes, Larlo is enjoying soccer. Hope you are enjoying this beautiful weather!” rather than spilling details or getting too overly friendly. They can’t find fault with you (nor can DH) as you are being polite.

Odds are your DH will get frustrated with being bothered all the time and end up setting boundaries all on his own. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Wow I feel for you OP. Hang firm, they were out of line. Don’t apologize!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are in the traditional role where your in laws count on you to coordinate everything, drop the rope. Let your husband be responsible for managing his parents. If he forgets to tell them about a game or concert or whatever, oh well.

OP here. I did play that role for a long time and have tried to wean them (and me) off this for the last couple of years. When they come to me with requests, I I usually tell them to talk to DH. I redirect to him as much as possible in a nice way. The problem is that my husband plays this role pretty badly as he is more disorganized (and many times has no clue what the children’s schedule is) so they always come back to me. He sucks at coordinating and can’t see an issue with how obnoxious, rude and overbearing his parents are. His view is that we should “just deal with it because they love us.”

Great! Now you nicely “forget” and become disorganized too.

+1. Don’t let them get back to you. Miss the calls, leave texts on read, when they ask about things double down on the “um, I’m not sure, talk to DH about scheduling that”. And when they barge in, be polite but don’t entertain or be the super host. Say hello and go run an errand while your DH takes care of things. He will soon learn that they are pushy and overbearing.

Yup I do all of this. “Oh gosh I don’t even know when the recital is, DH said he was checking. I’m sure he’ll call you back when he has time.”

+1. Be friendly, be polite but let DH facilitate everything with them. And please stop answering the phone when they want to talk to the kids daily. When your husband gets 10 missed calls from them everyday wanting to chat, he can deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are in the traditional role where your in laws count on you to coordinate everything, drop the rope. Let your husband be responsible for managing his parents. If he forgets to tell them about a game or concert or whatever, oh well.

OP here. I did play that role for a long time and have tried to wean them (and me) off this for the last couple of years. When they come to me with requests, I I usually tell them to talk to DH. I redirect to him as much as possible in a nice way. The problem is that my husband plays this role pretty badly as he is more disorganized (and many times has no clue what the children’s schedule is) so they always come back to me. He sucks at coordinating and can’t see an issue with how obnoxious, rude and overbearing his parents are. His view is that we should “just deal with it because they love us.”

Great! Now you nicely “forget” and become disorganized too.

+1. Don’t let them get back to you. Miss the calls, leave texts on read, when they ask about things double down on the “um, I’m not sure, talk to DH about scheduling that”. And when they barge in, be polite but don’t entertain or be the super host. Say hello and go run an errand while your DH takes care of things. He will soon learn that they are pushy and overbearing.

Yup I do all of this. “Oh gosh I don’t even know when the recital is, DH said he was checking. I’m sure he’ll call you back when he has time.”

+1. Be friendly, be polite but let DH facilitate everything with them. And please stop answering the phone when they want to talk to the kids daily. When your husband gets 10 missed calls from them everyday wanting to chat, he can deal with that.

Also, while DH is defending her when you discuss it, actions speak louder than words, and he has developed coping mechanisms, including ignoring calls. Follow his lead here.

[Anonymous]

Do not answer texts, except to say “Linking you with Jim to discuss.”

Don’t answer the phone unless to say “Passing you to Jim to discuss.”

If they ask you about it: “You don’t listen to me when I tell you about the rules of the venue and other details. Maybe you’ll listen to Jim.”

To husband: “I can’t deal with your parents when they ignore and disrespect both me and event staff. They’re your parents—you can deal with them.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop being the main point of contact with your ILs, and shift that responsibility to your DH. This can be challenging once the pattern has been established. I got into this pattern with my ILs when my kids were small, and though I was doing a kindness/favor. The problem is: once they get used to it, they take it for granted and get mad at YOU when you can’t meet their needs.

How to get out of this pattern without blowing the relationship up? As someone said, start taking awhile to get back to them. Says lots of “gosh I don’t know...I’ll check with DH and have him get back to you!” (And then tell dh “hey your mom was wondering about xyz, can you please get back to her”) If they send text fishing for info, always be polite but don’t get wrapped up. “Hi Susan, glad you and Bob had a great dinner. Yes, Larlo is enjoying soccer. Hope you are enjoying this beautiful weather!” rather than spilling details or getting too overly friendly. They can’t find fault with you (nor can DH) as you are being polite.

Odds are your DH will get frustrated with being bothered all the time and end up setting boundaries all on his own. BTDT.

+1. DH may forget to get back to them or not get in touch as soon as they’d like but that’s on him. Keep it out of your hands.

[Anonymous]

You need boundaries immediately OP. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t. And you have to get your dh on board. You described my in-laws before my husband got enough of a backbone to tell them “no” and it was seriously impacting our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Why not let them take the kids if they are going to insist on being there anyhow? Ok, great, grandma Larla, since you plan to go you can come pick up little Larlo and Larla while I go grocery shopping!