Overly involved inlaws who are a nuisance at kids activities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for taking the time to read and provide your perspective. It helped to have somewhere to vent.

DH and I have let the topic go for now. I spoke my piece and he spoke his and it looks like we’re going to let it blow over and not have it ruin the rest of our day.

For my part, I am going step back even more than I have been from dealing with in-laws even though it is against who I am just to maintain my sanity.

Things were ok when we were in the pandemic and kids didn’t have activities so we got a bit of a reprieve. I thought they had changed but it looks like this is going to be an ongoing issue. I will continue to speak with DH but in a calm manner when I am in control of my emotions.

Good luck OP. I went through this type of thing with my ILs and never had to go scorched earth. Keep stepping back and diverting IL communication to your DH. Be mindful and strategic about how you are responding to things. If DH says “mom wants to do dinner with us and the kids” say “great! Let me know when you two figure out a plan!” not “ok, I’ll call and see when they are free”. You don’t have to be rude or mean to set boundaries for yourself. It will be much better for your relationship with them moving forward if you set them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You should not apologize OP. Use this as an opening to start marriage counseling.

Your MIL disrespected YOU when she wouldn’t leave after you asked nicely. It’s especially bad that she did this in front of the volunteers AND in front of your children. In ignoring the volunteer, she’s showing your children the camp’s authority doesn’t matter, in ignoring you she’s showing your children that YOUR authority doesn’t matter. She’s establishing that only grandma’s rules matter.

That’s not okay.

Do not apologize for standing up for yourself. The worst part is that your husband yelled at you in the car—presumably in front of your children? He’s showing them he doesn’t respect you either. Only grandma is worthy of respect. Your children are attuned to this and are internalizing this lack of boundaries as normal.

Personally, I would use this as the start of a much needed break. Marriage counseling right away.

+1. I couldn’t have said it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

Ridiculous. They totally deserved being embarrassed for being the selfish idiots they are! OP has probably been embarrassed many times dealing with their antics over the years, and that day was the last straw.

OP, do not back down, do not apologize, and read your silly spouse the riot act.

In the future, I suggest you do not invite them or facilitate visits in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are in the traditional role where your in laws count on you to coordinate everything, drop the rope. Let your husband be responsible for managing his parents. If he forgets to tell them about a game or concert or whatever, oh well.

OP here. I did play that role for a long time and have tried to wean them (and me) off this for the last couple of years. When they come to me with requests, I I usually tell them to talk to DH. I redirect to him as much as possible in a nice way. The problem is that my husband plays this role pretty badly as he is more disorganized (and many times has no clue what the children’s schedule is) so they always come back to me. He sucks at coordinating and can’t see an issue with how obnoxious, rude and overbearing his parents are. His view is that we should “just deal with it because they love us.”

Not your problem. If he is so disorganized and never knows when anything is, then their constant questions will stress him out and he will actually see where you’re coming from with them! Women are always expected to handle all of this emotional labor and never get any credit for it. Your DH needs to get a taste of what you do for him and his parents by taking this on, and how much extra stress it adds to you.

[Anonymous]

Drop. The. Rope.

[Anonymous]

Op - you have a husband problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are they finding out about all of these events? From DH? The kids?

If they are going to be aware of every single performance or game, there will be little you can do to stop them from coming if DH does not mind..

This would be drive me bonkers. sorry..

OP here. I try not to share too much, only stuff that won’t “compel” them to land at my doorstep. There is literally no way I can hide these events due to two reasons:

1) DH - he can’t keep anything in and feels there is no harm in it.
2) In-laws call the children EVERYDAY to talk to them. First, they dial me. And if I don’t pick up, they call my husband. If none pick up, rinse and repeat.

I feel for you OP. My MIL did this also. She was so involved in our lives I felt like Princess Diana “ there’s three of us in this marriage!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws live locally and I generally have a good relationship with them. However, they feel they are entitled to be a part of every moment of my children’s life. I usually don’t mind and try to include them when it makes sense but they are really too overbearing and make it very difficult.

Crap hit the fan today as my 8 year old kids had a performance to end a summer camp series. Attendance was strictly limited due to Covid so I asked in-laws not to come and that I would record the children’s acts. The show was also being live-streamed by the camp director for family/friends who couldn’t join in person.

In-laws then asked a zillion tomes if there was any way they could come and lo and behold, at a bbq gathering, other mutual friends mentioned that they had extra tickets since their son was going to miss the performance since they were going to be out of town. Tickets were given.

Day of the show comes and in-laws show up to venue. I’m backstage getting the kids ready and then MIL barges in and asks for pictures with the kids. A high school volunteer follows her in and tells her not to come backstage and MiL doesn’t leave. I tell her she can’t be here as the performance is about to start but that I will bring the kids out in between acts to get pics with the family. Mother in law insists it’ll only take a minute (but I know her picture-taking habits, she needs one from every angle). At this point, I get frustrated and tell her in a more elevated voice that she needs to leave and turn away to go into a back room.

Husband is standing next to her. On our drive home, husband blew up at me and said I was very disrespectful to his parents and he was disappointed in my behavior.

I am at a loss. Perhaps I should’ve not turned my back on her but I was literally stressed trying to get the kids ready for stage as they were the first act!

Someone please help me understand!

OP, I will not speak to anything other than this instance and I am so upset I’m not reading the rest of the thread.

1. She entered an area of a camp where parents/family were not allowed
2. She refused to listen to multiple staff (HS/CITs are still staff)
3. She wanted to TAKE PICTURES BACKSTAGE.

For those who have never been backstage at a kids show, the liability here is HUGE. Unless your camp is a 100% arrive-in-base-layer camp, kiddos will be changing backstage. It doesn’t matter that she only wanted her own grandkids. She opened herself and the camp up to multiple liability issues.

If this had happened at my camp, not only would have the director gotten involved (first the director of the show, then the camp director, and yes this has happened before), and then if the parent put up a fuss the parent would have gotten blacklisted from camp, meaning their kids would not have been admitted any following years.

OP, I beg you — hold your ground on this very specific line in the sand and be grateful that it didn’t escalate further!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am with the others who say you have a HUGE issue in your marriage and with your DH.

Your ILs are toxic and they raised a toxic son. None of them know where their boundaries are and will not change. You must understand that if you stay married to this man, your children MIGHT become just like him and your ILs.

End it now. It is better to raise your children by yourself than have this father and extended family in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

MIL barged in despite a volunteer asking her not to go there but somehow OP is the disrespectful one?

I agree! Team OP!!

[Anonymous]

Have you considered moving? Just far enough so that they can't drop in on everything.

And if someone was calling me every day multiple times, I would start "losing my phone" quite often.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re an enabler. Own your part. Own your contributions to this horrible dynamic.

-Blow up my phone in an non-emergency situation, and you will be blocked. Point blank period. Ask me why, and I’ll tell you: you may call me, once, and leave one message. If I judge your call to be something I need to take action on, you will hear from me within 24 hours. You may call me once per day, unless it’s a true emergency. If you call me more than once per day and it’s not an emergency, you go back on block for a week. In case of emergency, dial 911.

-Fail to follow venue rules or staff restrictions as related to my kids’ events, and I will never invite you to a single kid event, ever again. If DH wants you to be involved, he can invite you. I won’t so much as sit next to you if you embarrass me, because I won’t be associated with anyone who disrespects camp staff and venue staff, coaches, parent volunteers, etc.

-If you don’t listen to and respect me, we’re no longer speaking. Any and all communication goes through DH. There’s no point in speaking to people who don’t listen to or respect me. If you want the privilege of contact with me, you will listen to me and respect me. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re an enabler. Own your part. Own your contributions to this horrible dynamic.

-Blow up my phone in an non-emergency situation, and you will be blocked. Point blank period. Ask me why, and I’ll tell you: you may call me, once, and leave one message. If I judge your call to be something I need to take action on, you will hear from me within 24 hours. You may call me once per day, unless it’s a true emergency. If you call me more than once per day and it’s not an emergency, you go back on block for a week. In case of emergency, dial 911.

-Fail to follow venue rules or staff restrictions as related to my kids’ events, and I will never invite you to a single kid event, ever again. If DH wants you to be involved, he can invite you. I won’t so much as sit next to you if you embarrass me, because I won’t be associated with anyone who disrespects camp staff and venue staff, coaches, parent volunteers, etc.

-If you don’t listen to and respect me, we’re no longer speaking. Any and all communication goes through DH. There’s no point in speaking to people who don’t listen to or respect me. If you want the privilege of contact with me, you will listen to me and respect me. Period.

Honestly, this doesn't go far enough. I think OP should look at divorce as a viable option. There is no reason a mother should subject herself or her children to such abusive behavior from a grandparents. Enough is enough. It is time to sit DH down and tell him his mother is an abusive, disrespectful awful woman and he needs to get with the program of sidelining her or get out. Kids need a mother. They don't need grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is on the table after treatment like this.

But yes, you DO own a part in this, OP. It starts with you growing a spine and stop enabling this. Then, you go to counseling. Then, you serve papers.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I don't blame your husband for being upset. You really are a piece of work, OP.