Overly involved inlaws who are a nuisance at kids activities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are they finding out about all of these events? From DH? The kids?

If they are going to be aware of every single performance or game, there will be little you can do to stop them from coming if DH does not mind..

This would be drive me bonkers. sorry..

OP here. I try not to share too much, only stuff that won’t “compel” them to land at my doorstep. There is literally no way I can hide these events due to two reasons:

1) DH - he can’t keep anything in and feels there is no harm in it.
2) In-laws call the children EVERYDAY to talk to them. First, they dial me. And if I don’t pick up, they call my husband. If none pick up, rinse and repeat.

Another poster to say you have a husband problem. He feels "there is no harm in it." OK. Stop answering their calls entirely. Let him shoulder 100% of it and let's see how long it takes him to decide their are being way too entitled and involved.

[Anonymous]

You were rude. They were offered tickets. Watch your words around your kids. Keep events a secret if you don’t want them attending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are in the traditional role where your in laws count on you to coordinate everything, drop the rope. Let your husband be responsible for managing his parents. If he forgets to tell them about a game or concert or whatever, oh well.

OP here. I did play that role for a long time and have tried to wean them (and me) off this for the last couple of years. When they come to me with requests, I I usually tell them to talk to DH. I redirect to him as much as possible in a nice way. The problem is that my husband plays this role pretty badly as he is more disorganized (and many times has no clue what the children’s schedule is) so they always come back to me. He sucks at coordinating and can’t see an issue with how obnoxious, rude and overbearing his parents are. His view is that we should “just deal with it because they love us.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

MIL barged in despite a volunteer asking her not to go there but somehow OP is the disrespectful one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were rude. They were offered tickets. Watch your words around your kids. Keep events a secret if you don’t want them attending.

The grandparents complaining until they were offered tickets is just another example of their entitled and rude behavior. They felt entitled to be there. They openly flouted the spirit of the rule and they know it.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP, you have my sympathy on this one. I would be so annoyed. I would try to push more organizing/coordinating with them onto DH. When they call to talk to the kids (daily?!) let it ring and he can be the one two answer and do the phone call with the kids etc.

[Anonymous]

Why are you over-sharing their schedules?

“Jim, I did raise my voice at your parents, but only after they blatantly ignored a venue staff member who told them they couldn’t be there, and ignored me the first several times I couldn’t be there. Tell me: what should I do and how should I react when your parents are literally ignoring me and a venue staff member telling them they can’t be somewhere due to event and COVID restrictions? How about you go have a conversation with THEM about listening to me and respecting basic boundaries and venue rules that I’m not even in charge of. After you have that conversation with them, and after they apologize to me for ignoring me and the staff member, then and only then will I apologize about raising my voice.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be pedantic but your husband wasn't supposed to be there either...

Why not? If two tickets were given, that's OP and DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be pedantic but your husband wasn't supposed to be there either...

Why not? If two tickets were given, that's OP and DH

I think PP means he wasn’t supposed to be backstage either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you over-sharing their schedules?

“Jim, I did raise my voice at your parents, but only after they blatantly ignored a venue staff member who told them they couldn’t be there, and ignored me the first several times I couldn’t be there. Tell me: what should I do and how should I react when your parents are literally ignoring me and a venue staff member telling them they can’t be somewhere due to event and COVID restrictions? How about you go have a conversation with THEM about listening to me and respecting basic boundaries and venue rules that I’m not even in charge of. After you have that conversation with them, and after they apologize to me for ignoring me and the staff member, then and only then will I apologize about raising my voice.”

If OP’s husband is anything like mine he’ll just make excuses for the MIL saying she’s old, just enthusiastic, the rules were stupid anyway, etc etc. No good will come of this script.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you over-sharing their schedules?

“Jim, I did raise my voice at your parents, but only after they blatantly ignored a venue staff member who told them they couldn’t be there, and ignored me the first several times I couldn’t be there. Tell me: what should I do and how should I react when your parents are literally ignoring me and a venue staff member telling them they can’t be somewhere due to event and COVID restrictions? How about you go have a conversation with THEM about listening to me and respecting basic boundaries and venue rules that I’m not even in charge of. After you have that conversation with them, and after they apologize to me for ignoring me and the staff member, then and only then will I apologize about raising my voice.”

If OP’s husband is anything like mine he’ll just make excuses for the MIL saying she’s old, just enthusiastic, the rules were stupid anyway, etc etc. No good will come of this script.

Yeah, well he’ll no damn well I’m not apologizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you over-sharing their schedules?

“Jim, I did raise my voice at your parents, but only after they blatantly ignored a venue staff member who told them they couldn’t be there, and ignored me the first several times I couldn’t be there. Tell me: what should I do and how should I react when your parents are literally ignoring me and a venue staff member telling them they can’t be somewhere due to event and COVID restrictions? How about you go have a conversation with THEM about listening to me and respecting basic boundaries and venue rules that I’m not even in charge of. After you have that conversation with them, and after they apologize to me for ignoring me and the staff member, then and only then will I apologize about raising my voice.”

If OP’s husband is anything like mine he’ll just make excuses for the MIL saying she’s old, just enthusiastic, the rules were stupid anyway, etc etc. No good will come of this script.

He may do this. You’ve got to make DH put in the work with them to the extent that you can. No more being the liaison between kids and grandparents, make all that his job.

[Anonymous]

You should not apologize OP. Use this as an opening to start marriage counseling.

Your MIL disrespected YOU when she wouldn’t leave after you asked nicely. It’s especially bad that she did this in front of the volunteers AND in front of your children. In ignoring the volunteer, she’s showing your children the camp’s authority doesn’t matter, in ignoring you she’s showing your children that YOUR authority doesn’t matter. She’s establishing that only grandma’s rules matter.

That’s not okay.

Do not apologize for standing up for yourself. The worst part is that your husband yelled at you in the car—presumably in front of your children? He’s showing them he doesn’t respect you either. Only grandma is worthy of respect. Your children are attuned to this and are internalizing this lack of boundaries as normal.

Personally, I would use this as the start of a much needed break. Marriage counseling right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

MIL barged in despite a volunteer asking her not to go there but somehow OP is the disrespectful one?

Boomers gonna boomer.