Overly involved inlaws who are a nuisance at kids activities

[Anonymous]

My in-laws live locally and I generally have a good relationship with them. However, they feel they are entitled to be a part of every moment of my children’s life. I usually don’t mind and try to include them when it makes sense but they are really too overbearing and make it very difficult.

Crap hit the fan today as my 8 year old kids had a performance to end a summer camp series. Attendance was strictly limited due to Covid so I asked in-laws not to come and that I would record the children’s acts. The show was also being live-streamed by the camp director for family/friends who couldn’t join in person.

In-laws then asked a zillion tomes if there was any way they could come and lo and behold, at a bbq gathering, other mutual friends mentioned that they had extra tickets since their son was going to miss the performance since they were going to be out of town. Tickets were given.

Day of the show comes and in-laws show up to venue. I’m backstage getting the kids ready and then MIL barges in and asks for pictures with the kids. A high school volunteer follows her in and tells her not to come backstage and MiL doesn’t leave. I tell her she can’t be here as the performance is about to start but that I will bring the kids out in between acts to get pics with the family. Mother in law insists it’ll only take a minute (but I know her picture-taking habits, she needs one from every angle). At this point, I get frustrated and tell her in a more elevated voice that she needs to leave and turn away to go into a back room.

Husband is standing next to her. On our drive home, husband blew up at me and said I was very disrespectful to his parents and he was disappointed in my behavior.

I am at a loss. Perhaps I should’ve not turned my back on her but I was literally stressed trying to get the kids ready for stage as they were the first act!

Someone please help me understand!

[Anonymous]

How are they finding out about all of these events? From DH? The kids?

If they are going to be aware of every single performance or game, there will be little you can do to stop them from coming if DH does not mind..

This would be drive me bonkers. sorry..

[Anonymous]

I hate this phrase, but in this case, totally true: you have a husband problem, not an in law problem. The first step is to go over these issues with your DH and make him hear you. Hoefui he LISTENS and can help with a plan/ compromise.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband that he’s in the wrong, doesn’t have all the back story and you expect your spouse to have your back. Don’t back down in this. It will set a precedent and you will soon discover that your opinions, needs and expectations will always take a back seat to his mother’s. Seriously. You need to deal with this head on.

[Anonymous]

You need to start establishing boundaries. Please tell me you DONT vacation with them as well. Fully expect your in-laws to try and make that happen soon. Be ready to say no.

[Anonymous]

I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

[Anonymous]

Not to be pedantic but your husband wasn't supposed to be there either...

[Anonymous]

If you feel the need to explain your actions to your mother-in-law be very clear with her that she was where she was not supposed to be, she had been told to leave, that her presence and refusal to follow the rules reflects poorly on your family which created unnecessary stress for you. Do not apologize. Of course you can say these things while prefacing it with how much you appreciate their eagerness to participate. Then start withholding info. They don’t need to be privy to every event.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are in the traditional role where your in laws count on you to coordinate everything, drop the rope. Let your husband be responsible for managing his parents. If he forgets to tell them about a game or concert or whatever, oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

DP but I disagree that flagrantly disregarding rules isn’t harmful. Or that she was “just” trying to take pictures. She was trying to flout the rules, overrule OP, and ignore reasonable corrective action. OP didn’t embarrass her, she embarrassed herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

What about OP being embarrassed that her MIL came backstage? What about the high school volunteer who was embarrassed that an older woman was being so entitled and disrespectful to her in front of the children?

And I would bet that this isn’t the first time OP has been embarrassed by overbearing, rude inlaws. OP, the solution is marriage counseling. You need help setting boundaries and standing up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP you have my sympathy on this. I have these exact same problems with my ILs. I swear in their old age they’re just done respecting boundaries or rules. And honestly the only thing that ever changed her behavior was yelling at her. DH gets mad at me too but what can I do?

[Anonymous]

I divorced over stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

What about OP being embarrassed that her MIL came backstage? What about the high school volunteer who was embarrassed that an older woman was being so entitled and disrespectful to her in front of the children?

And I would bet that this isn’t the first time OP has been embarrassed by overbearing, rude inlaws. OP, the solution is marriage counseling. You need help setting boundaries and standing up for yourself.

+100. Guaranteed this woman behaves this way because she’s used to bullying everyone into her way by acting like rules don’t apply to her. If I were OP, I would have been stressed that my child was going to have 4 people at the event when other families were only allowed 2. I would have been stressed out having to explain how and why they were there for anyone who raises eyebrows. These grandparents are jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are they finding out about all of these events? From DH? The kids?

If they are going to be aware of every single performance or game, there will be little you can do to stop them from coming if DH does not mind..

This would be drive me bonkers. sorry..

OP here. I try not to share too much, only stuff that won’t “compel” them to land at my doorstep. There is literally no way I can hide these events due to two reasons:

1) DH - he can’t keep anything in and feels there is no harm in it.
2) In-laws call the children EVERYDAY to talk to them. First, they dial me. And if I don’t pick up, they call my husband. If none pick up, rinse and repeat.