Overly involved inlaws who are a nuisance at kids activities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need boundaries immediately OP. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t. And you have to get your dh on board. You described my in-laws before my husband got enough of a backbone to tell them “no” and it was seriously impacting our marriage.

My DH was like this before I put all the responsibility of coordinating things with the ILs on him. Now guess who is suddenly great at setting boundaries with his parents?

It was never a big blow up, I just stopped making myself available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not let them take the kids if they are going to insist on being there anyhow? Ok, great, grandma Larla, since you plan to go you can come pick up little Larlo and Larla while I go grocery shopping!

Or better, “DH, if your mom wants to see the kids, why don’t you see if she wants you to bring them by while I’m doing errands Sunday?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not let them take the kids if they are going to insist on being there anyhow? Ok, great, grandma Larla, since you plan to go you can come pick up little Larlo and Larla while I go grocery shopping!

Or better, “DH, if your mom wants to see the kids, why don’t you see if she wants you to bring them by while I’m doing errands Sunday?”

I just drop DH and the kids off see ya when I see ya!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not let them take the kids if they are going to insist on being there anyhow? Ok, great, grandma Larla, since you plan to go you can come pick up little Larlo and Larla while I go grocery shopping!

Or better, “DH, if your mom wants to see the kids, why don’t you see if she wants you to bring them by while I’m doing errands Sunday?”

My brother used to do this with his kids all the time. They often came over Friday night so he and his wife could have date night, and then sometimes they'd sleep over. Then he'd come Saturday morning, maybe help my parents around the house while the kids visited and played, then have lunch and take them home. I'm sure his wife was sleeping in, getting her hair done, whatever... I thought it was genius of them.

[Anonymous]

Why should you be organized and good with details if your useless husband isn’t? I’d block their number if they dialed me on repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not let them take the kids if they are going to insist on being there anyhow? Ok, great, grandma Larla, since you plan to go you can come pick up little Larlo and Larla while I go grocery shopping!

Or better, “DH, if your mom wants to see the kids, why don’t you see if she wants you to bring them by while I’m doing errands Sunday?”

My brother used to do this with his kids all the time. They often came over Friday night so he and his wife could have date night, and then sometimes they'd sleep over. Then he'd come Saturday morning, maybe help my parents around the house while the kids visited and played, then have lunch and take them home. I'm sure his wife was sleeping in, getting her hair done, whatever... I thought it was genius of them.

Does my husband’s sibling post on DCUM? Because this is exactly what we do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should you be organized and good with details if your useless husband isn’t? I’d block their number if they dialed me on repeat.

That’s a little harsh. First step is to put your phone on silent and let them call DH instead. No need to be overly available and eager to be his secretary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not let them take the kids if they are going to insist on being there anyhow? Ok, great, grandma Larla, since you plan to go you can come pick up little Larlo and Larla while I go grocery shopping!

Probably because as the kids' actual mom, she wants to be there to see their end of camp performance and support them, and likely the kids want her there a hell of a lot more than they want the overbearing ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should you be organized and good with details if your useless husband isn’t? I’d block their number if they dialed me on repeat.

That’s a little harsh. First step is to put your phone on silent and let them call DH instead. No need to be overly available and eager to be his secretary.

Blow up my phone every day for years? Hell no. You get a time out until you learn basic manners. When you learn how to behave, you can try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should you be organized and good with details if your useless husband isn’t? I’d block their number if they dialed me on repeat.

That’s a little harsh. First step is to put your phone on silent and let them call DH instead. No need to be overly available and eager to be his secretary.

OP said “rinse and repeat.” To me, that meant they call her, and if she doesn’t answer, they call him. If they don’t get him, they call her AGAIN. Hello. No.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for taking the time to read and provide your perspective. It helped to have somewhere to vent.

DH and I have let the topic go for now. I spoke my piece and he spoke his and it looks like we’re going to let it blow over and not have it ruin the rest of our day.

For my part, I am going step back even more than I have been from dealing with in-laws even though it is against who I am just to maintain my sanity.

Things were ok when we were in the pandemic and kids didn’t have activities so we got a bit of a reprieve. I thought they had changed but it looks like this is going to be an ongoing issue. I will continue to speak with DH but in a calm manner when I am in control of my emotions.

[Anonymous]

OP, another confirmation that your DH problem is as significant as your IL problem. I really think you should book a marriage therapist who can facilitate a conversation between you and your DH. He just ignores it at great emotional cost to you. He’s not listening and he needs to take ownership of changing this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not let them take the kids if they are going to insist on being there anyhow? Ok, great, grandma Larla, since you plan to go you can come pick up little Larlo and Larla while I go grocery shopping!

Probably because as the kids' actual mom, she wants to be there to see their end of camp performance and support them, and likely the kids want her there a hell of a lot more than they want the overbearing ILs.

Yes. But once she give in laws a real responsibility a couple time I bet they back faster than a new York minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am with DH on this one. You were disrespectful.

You admitted you lost your temper and raised your voice at his mother, in front of other people. I am sure both your husband and his mother were embarrassed.

She was not trying to do something harmful or hateful, she was just trying to take photos of her grandchildren.

It may have been annoying but I don't think barking/yelling or "elevating" your voice and storming away was warranted.

More than annoying. It wasn’t about one family. It was about ALL of the kids and families back stage and MIl was a disruptive intruder.
It was disturbing to every kid and parent there. It was selfish, self-absorbed and, depending on their stage of dress/cotuming grossly inappropriate.
Not respecting boundaries of anyone there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for taking the time to read and provide your perspective. It helped to have somewhere to vent.

DH and I have let the topic go for now. I spoke my piece and he spoke his and it looks like we’re going to let it blow over and not have it ruin the rest of our day.

For my part, I am going step back even more than I have been from dealing with in-laws even though it is against who I am just to maintain my sanity.

Things were ok when we were in the pandemic and kids didn’t have activities so we got a bit of a reprieve. I thought they had changed but it looks like this is going to be an ongoing issue. I will continue to speak with DH but in a calm manner when I am in control of my emotions.

I hope he committed to the same, since you said he blew up at you on the way home. Extra bad if it was in front of kids, especially the "disappointed in you" part, like you are a little kid yourself. I'd tell him to cut that crap out, stat.