Reply to In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here. [/quote]

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check. [/quote]

Here's something else that might be useful to you.  My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile.  When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants.  These are also personality traits that enable an affair.  If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants.  So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to.   And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad.  We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together).  So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda.  I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear.  I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband.  People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.  
[/quote]

My (very recent) ex is like this. Left for an AP and wants me to be okay with AP. I'm far more upset at ex and am neutral toward AP, but I'm certainly not interested in creating a friendship dynamic. Ex likes to chat about AP as though I'm his sibling and AP is just a fun new GF he happened to meet. Talk about tone-deaf.

The cheaters always want to push a narrative that everyone is okay with everything.  I didn't suffocate ex with a pillow when I had the chance, but that doesn't mean everything is acceptable  :lol:

My marriage was circling the drain, too, and I'd already contemplated leaving even before I found out about AP. The difference is that I tried to fix things and asked for ex to do the same. He chose to have an exit affair instead. That hurts, no matter what. It hurts knowing someone turned their back on you and everything you built and never wanted to fight for it. It was easier to chase the excitement. So it's no wonder seeing and hearing about this person just opens old wounds for your ex.[/quote]

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