My Wife Always Complains

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feed baby food. Start with rice cereal. Then see how baby sleeps. As soon as we did that at 3 months, we were home free.

We also kept a feeding journal of what time we fed, and how many ounces. By 5 months, was maybe 6 oz or 8 oz feedings, but I'm not certain. I felt like larger feedings, further apart, was best. She slept full.

We also bought a Fisher price or whatever thing that attaches to crib, battery operated, that had fish swim in an ocean to look at. Ours loved looking at it. And a swing to sleep in. Not sure how old we stopped using the swing though.

OP here. We started feeding him at 5 months and it has down much. Him being full has nothing to do with it. He eats 32oz a day of breast milk and has solids. I think he’s used to be held and can’t self-soothe. That is the issue. His routine is 6pm solids, 7:30 bottle ( 6oz) and 8pm bedtime. We do a dream feed at 10:30 and he usually wants to eat again between 2 and 4. He wakes up for the day at 5:30/6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feed baby food. Start with rice cereal. Then see how baby sleeps. As soon as we did that at 3 months, we were home free.

We also kept a feeding journal of what time we fed, and how many ounces. By 5 months, was maybe 6 oz or 8 oz feedings, but I'm not certain. I felt like larger feedings, further apart, was best. She slept full.

We also bought a Fisher price or whatever thing that attaches to crib, battery operated, that had fish swim in an ocean to look at. Ours loved looking at it. And a swing to sleep in. Not sure how old we stopped using the swing though.

OP here. We started feeding him at 5 months and it has down much. Him being full has nothing to do with it. He eats 32oz a day of breast milk and has solids. I think he’s used to be held and can’t self-soothe. That is the issue. His routine is 6pm solids, 7:30 bottle ( 6oz) and 8pm bedtime. We do a dream feed at 10:30 and he usually wants to eat again between 2 and 4. He wakes up for the day at 5:30/6.

OP here. He wakes up multiple times ( sometimes every 45 minutes) between feedings. Sometimes he will do a 3 hour stretch but then it will take a long time to get him back to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your baby might not be neuro-typical (NT).

Your baby might be an HSP (highly sensitive person)--there are individuals who are HSP in every kind of social animal that has been studied about this; the group needs HSP individuals to survive (there are also Low SP individuals in every group as well). HSP indivduals have a fine-tuned or intensified senses. Pre-industrializtion, they helped the group because they are the first to detect the predator or prey, recognize changes in the weather, tell that the food is spoiled or poisoned etc. In modern life, it's hard for them because clothes can be itchy, sounds too loud, etc.

My now 18 y.o. is an HSP and a bit neuro-diverse (not NT, so SN--special needs) and is headed to a top 10 college in the fall (I'm trying to say, she's thriving). But raising her was really tough, and it started out this way. I aged so much that first year, from exhaustion.

I also have an NT kid and the difference between NT kid and SN kid is like raising a dog and a dolphin. To continue the analogy, the first step is recognizing you have a dolphin, not a dog, and treating accordingly. Also, fyi, not getting advice from dog parents. Dog parents will not understand why your little dolphin won't do what their dogs can do so easily, and will blame your parenting. But both types can perform--it's just recognizing what you have, and finding the right environment.

I'd reach out to your pediatrician and discuss it, OP. The issue isn't your wife complaining. The issue is that you have a high-maintenance baby and you both need some support and coping strategies.

OP here. My baby doesn’t have this. He is fine. The issue is my wife made him this way. He would be a totally different baby if my wife didn’t practice attachment parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both are exhausted. Does your wife have some friend or family supports she can lean on to help her during the day? I am worried about her mental health.

OP here. She has friends but they all practice attachment parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked with the pediatrician about these issues? Our ped always made us feel that we could ask her anything...and we did.

OP here. Yes. The pediatrician recommended we sleep train. My wife has refused to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So... I have somewhat strong opinions on this, and YMMV. But if you look at most of the “scientists” who write about attachment parenting, they are crackpots. You can’t experiment ethically on large enough of a scale to prove any of the claims. I come from a culture that is often cited as “evidence” of how “natural” attachment parenting is. The truth is, practices like co sleeping and holding the baby all day evolve in cultures where there is a lot of alloparenting. They were never intended to be used extensively in cultures like our own where one person, usually mom, is on call 24/7. For example in my culture women rest in bed for a month after giving birth and are waited on by other women who cook special lactogenic foods for them. In the absence of all the support that makes these things possible and sustainable, I think women are guilted by an unreasonable standard that is put up by these “experts” and sustained by a parenting industry of blogs, books, equipment, etc. with a great deal of financial incentive to market these ideas as if they are innovations.

That said I did EBF and I believe it’s good for babies to have a lot of care. I sleep trained mine around 6-7 months based on research that after that age, you can actually train them out of self-soothing by intervening too much. We used wake times for age to establish solid napping during the day and a good bedtime routine. Then we started with nights, as the sleep pressure is strongest then. We did PUPD — pick up put down. Put the baby down and let them cry for one minute, pick them up again. Repeat until they fall asleep. My first fell asleep on night 1 after 10 minutes of this. Second night took 5 minutes. Third night, no crying, slept 13 hours without waking! The second one didn’t cry the first night at all. I recommend the sleep training guide on BabyCenter and Baby Sleep Science (blog by sleep consultants) for quick and painless sleep training and trouble shooting.

If the baby is ready it’s best not to drag it out. My friends who got sucked into attachement parenting had kids in their bed until they were 4, 5 years old. That’s just not good for everyone’s health given how modern life is set up,

Here’s one guide that is informative:

https://community.babycenter.com/post/a5417415/how_to_successfully_teach_a_baby_to_sleep_-_3rd_ed.

And some info on why aligning bedtime with your child’s circadian rhythm will produce a strong sleep drive:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.babysleepscience.com/amp/2014/05/01/important-sleep-basics-all-parents-pediatricians-and-caregivers-should-know

You want a strong sleep drive to be established before you let them practice self-soothing because it makes it easier and faster for them to succeed. For that reason, trying to practice when your child is teething or overtired will also be harder.

I understand how your wife feels. However at this point she is compromising her own health, and therefore what she has to give the baby. As a parent it’s always hard to let go and figure out when your child is ready to do something. I would encourage her to think about it a bit like swimming — you’re not going to just throw the child in with no help and let them figure it out. Your job is to scaffold the experience so they can get more confident, and develop new skills. At some point too much help is also holding them back and creating dependencies that won’t serve them. You don’t want to give your child the message, I don’t think you can do this. There are going to be so many different bedtime issues even after you train — it won’t be the last time you have to decide the right balance of support and encouragement to independence. Think about talking to a counselor, maybe, so you guys can get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feed baby food. Start with rice cereal. Then see how baby sleeps. As soon as we did that at 3 months, we were home free.

We also kept a feeding journal of what time we fed, and how many ounces. By 5 months, was maybe 6 oz or 8 oz feedings, but I'm not certain. I felt like larger feedings, further apart, was best. She slept full.

We also bought a Fisher price or whatever thing that attaches to crib, battery operated, that had fish swim in an ocean to look at. Ours loved looking at it. And a swing to sleep in. Not sure how old we stopped using the swing though.

OP here. We started feeding him at 5 months and it has down much. Him being full has nothing to do with it. He eats 32oz a day of breast milk and has solids. I think he’s used to be held and can’t self-soothe. That is the issue. His routine is 6pm solids, 7:30 bottle ( 6oz) and 8pm bedtime. We do a dream feed at 10:30 and he usually wants to eat again between 2 and 4. He wakes up for the day at 5:30/6.

OP here. He wakes up multiple times ( sometimes every 45 minutes) between feedings. Sometimes he will do a 3 hour stretch but then it will take a long time to get him back to bed.

45 min is one sleep cycle, so yes it sounds like he cannot connect them without his sleep association. Maybe show your wife this:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.babysleepscience.com/amp/2014/11/05/interpreting-night-wakings

[Anonymous]

Oh man op I’m so sorry, I really feel for you. I didn’t think I wanted to do cry it out either and resisted it a litttle until at 5 months my son was like yours and I read about how it likely would get worse before better. Cry it out was very very hard on me but ultimately best for our family. But it’s very hard to do unless both are on board. Eek I’m trying to think of anything helpful that could convince your wife.. the book my husband and I read together that I think is a little middle of the road is The Happy Sleeper. Might be worth looking at and seeing if she would read with you to learn a little more about sleep. They do it by age so you only have to read the first two chapters and it gave me the confidence to do what I needed to do. Except with your wife probably she would need to be out of the house. I had to leave at some points and I think given her perceptions it would only work if she’s not there (with her agreeing to it I don’t mean behind her back).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked with the pediatrician about these issues? Our ped always made us feel that we could ask her anything...and we did.

OP here. Yes. The pediatrician recommended we sleep train. My wife has refused to do it.

Sadly attachment parenting circles have some cultish aspects. I’m sorry she has gotten so deep into it. You probably need to give it some tries with very empathic listening so she feels heard: “You really are worried that this could harm his brain forever. You are trying so hard to be a good mother. You work so hard to give him everything he needs. You care so much about his health and development.”

But also affirm her other feelings “this is exhausting you. You don’t know how you can go on with so little sleep. Your back really hurts.” Some I messages “I’m worried that your back will only hurt more as he gets bigger. I’m concerned that he might need a little bit of practice to develop self-soothing skills which will give him more confidence in life.” Or whatever your feelings are.

Collaborative problem solving: so you want this, and I’m worried about this. What can we do? See if that gets you to a compromise on the gentle methods. She might agree to be in the room and pat him when he cries until he falls asleep.

[Anonymous]

I vote for some kind of expert involvement here. For one thing, who's to say there is not some kind of other issue at play in terms of the baby himself? (That it isn't all what he has been taught by this). Second, I would think if this commitment to attachment parenting is at the same time causing a lot of stress, wouldn't that undermine the process itself? Start with ped (hopefully the ped does not have a general bias against what your wife is trying to do, which would backfire).

I clicked this because I thought it was about complaining in general and was going to say ask my brother, who has been married for almost 40 years to the queen of complaining (she has a lot of clear mental health issues none of which have ever been addressed, she is literally non-stop). So I did not expect this to be about a specific problem, but this raises the question--is she like this with other things? Does she get stuck on doing things that make her unhappy and complain about?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you married the wrong person. If get this right you are working and she is stay at home and yet you still do night duty? Bruh....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let the baby sleep in bed with you. It will solve all your problems.

And create others. No, no, no to this.

OP your baby is not a newborn. At 6 months he should not still be eating during the night.

[Anonymous]

NP

OP, I'm not sure I have more advice to add, but just a question -- is she responsible for birth control between the two of you right now? Because you might want to be really careful about that, at least until things settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let the baby sleep in bed with you. It will solve all your problems.

And create others. No, no, no to this.

OP your baby is not a newborn. At 6 months he should not still be eating during the night.

Agreed. Sleep training - you don't have to cry it out. Try just stroking/patting the baby's back or butt to let him know you are there, but do not pick him up. Pat less and less to wean him off and eventually he will self soothe.

If your wife thinks he will remember any of this later and be traumatized - zero chance.
We did cry it out, no lasting issues, my teens barely remember kindergarten!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you married the wrong person. If get this right you are working and she is stay at home and yet you still do night duty? Bruh....

OP here. She had a hard time breastfeeding so she pumps. She gets up once a night to pump. I know she is tried too. I wanted to do it since she had a very hard pregnancy.