My Wife Always Complains

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to tell you, but I am a SAHM to a 7 month old. She started sleeping through the night without "sleep training" around 4 months, I think because we did Taking Cara Babies. I EBF, but DH started giving a pumped bottle at night so I could get 4-5 hours around 4 weeks. We absolutely got lucky with personality, but I was also DETERMINED to almost never hold for naps (of course early on it happens!) and to get to independent sleep as soon as possible, because I can't be my best for the baby when she's awake and alert if I'm not rested. When she finally dropped the 4am feed (on her own), it was life changing.

I think you need to focus your efforts on your wife's health. She's done great for the baby, who is happy and healthy right? Your wife needs to prioritize herself here! It is way past time for the baby to learn to sleep independently so your wife can SLEEP. It's a skill your baby needs, and it's time. If your baby is not yet crawling at 12 months, you address it. You need to address the sleep, now.

OP here. That is one of the courses recommended to us that my wife doesn’t want to take.

I know she needs to focus on herself. I tell her that all of the time but she always says “ I have the baby.”

My baby is thriving. The pediatrician actually said he is very advanced for his age and is a month ahead. He is already rolling over and on his way to sitting up. She has always been happy with things at his check-ups. He will play on the floor when someone is in the room, but doesn’t like when you leave him in the room alone. He does get plenty of playtime on the floor with a play gym and toys.

First, your baby isn’t “advanced”, OP. He’s normal. Lots of babies have been sitting up since five months and rolling at three.

But normal is good and he gets lots of playtime (you shouldn’t leave him alone) so the only issue is the baby’s sleep. Research no-cry sleep training options and start solids.

OP said his child is already eating solids.

[Anonymous]

One of my four children was the same way. And my husband was just as frustrated.

Not sure that this is an option during covid, but we went to the store one day and put DS in every swing, bassinet, & bouncy seat that they had on display until we found one that he liked and would stay quiet in. He ended up liking being rocked kind of violently, so we got a bassinet swing that rocked pretty high and fast for a little guy.

I remember being so thankful that I could put him down for a few minutes at a time. I remember that the older kids used to call turning on the swing “turning the baby off,” because he would cry anywhere else I tried to set him down.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop waking up in the night to help. If she refuses to sleep train, then she can be the one waking up several times per night. You are enabling her to keep up this terrible sleep pattern.

Also, inform her that good sleep is crucial for a baby‘s brain development. Continuously waking and not connecting his sleep cycles is suboptimal for his brain development.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds a lot like how things went with my first DD. In our case, it wasn't so much that I wanted to practice attachment parenting...it was because we had a baby with horrible reflux that wanted to be held nonstop, and it continued well beyond the point that we had cleared the reflux. It was exhausting, and I went down a pretty deep rabbit hole of PPD/PPA such that I thought that the baby must be held at all times.

Any possibility that, on top of the desire to practice attachment parenting, there's also some PPD or PPA going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feed baby food. Start with rice cereal. Then see how baby sleeps. As soon as we did that at 3 months, we were home free.

We also kept a feeding journal of what time we fed, and how many ounces. By 5 months, was maybe 6 oz or 8 oz feedings, but I'm not certain. I felt like larger feedings, further apart, was best. She slept full.

We also bought a Fisher price or whatever thing that attaches to crib, battery operated, that had fish swim in an ocean to look at. Ours loved looking at it. And a swing to sleep in. Not sure how old we stopped using the swing though.

OP here. We started feeding him at 5 months and it has down much. Him being full has nothing to do with it. He eats 32oz a day of breast milk and has solids. I think he’s used to be held and can’t self-soothe. That is the issue. His routine is 6pm solids, 7:30 bottle ( 6oz) and 8pm bedtime. We do a dream feed at 10:30 and he usually wants to eat again between 2 and 4. He wakes up for the day at 5:30/6.

OP here. He wakes up multiple times ( sometimes every 45 minutes) between feedings. Sometimes he will do a 3 hour stretch but then it will take a long time to get him back to bed.

My son was like this. We split nights so that we would have a bad night of sleep followed by a full night of sleep. I was pumping and stopped around 4 months. He always had formula at night. This worked for us. Eventually, we had to remove the night feedings which meant 2-3 nights of hell around 15 months. He mostly sleeps through the night now unless he is sick (even a cold)

[Anonymous]

OP I think it would be helpful for you to do marriage counseling, which you should be able to do with Zoom. This could be your life for years. My former boss and his wife did attachment parenting and they held him for like 3 months, and then they would sleep in his room until he was 4 (when I left the office). He was a very high profile guy. They were always stressed, so I"m sure it made for an anxious kid. I doubt they ever had sex, how could they when they were sleeping on the floor of his room.

My SIL and BIL apparently were also very protective of their kids and had some weird attachment thing and more going on, like hovering/helicoptering. I didn't meet them until they were 5 and 6, but they are not close with anyone in the family. It really created distance with them.

Parenting is such an important component of marriage that you might find it helpful to find a way forward. If she's not willing to have a conversation or try alternatives, even after you said it was important to you, it's a marriage problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your baby might not be neuro-typical (NT).

Your baby might be an HSP (highly sensitive person)--there are individuals who are HSP in every kind of social animal that has been studied about this; the group needs HSP individuals to survive (there are also Low SP individuals in every group as well). HSP indivduals have a fine-tuned or intensified senses. Pre-industrializtion, they helped the group because they are the first to detect the predator or prey, recognize changes in the weather, tell that the food is spoiled or poisoned etc. In modern life, it's hard for them because clothes can be itchy, sounds too loud, etc.

My now 18 y.o. is an HSP and a bit neuro-diverse (not NT, so SN--special needs) and is headed to a top 10 college in the fall (I'm trying to say, she's thriving). But raising her was really tough, and it started out this way. I aged so much that first year, from exhaustion.

I also have an NT kid and the difference between NT kid and SN kid is like raising a dog and a dolphin. To continue the analogy, the first step is recognizing you have a dolphin, not a dog, and treating accordingly. Also, fyi, not getting advice from dog parents. Dog parents will not understand why your little dolphin won't do what their dogs can do so easily, and will blame your parenting. But both types can perform--it's just recognizing what you have, and finding the right environment.

I'd reach out to your pediatrician and discuss it, OP. The issue isn't your wife complaining. The issue is that you have a high-maintenance baby and you both need some support and coping strategies.

OP here. My baby doesn’t have this. He is fine. The issue is my wife made him this way. He would be a totally different baby if my wife didn’t practice attachment parenting.

I think this is the most problematic thing you've written and probably a major reason why your wife is very defensive and appears unwilling to listen or change. It is highuly unlikely that your wife made your kid this way. Much more likely that he has a challenging temperment. That doesn't mean that it can't be exacerbated by your wife's actions or the conflict between you two but it is likely that no matter what you are doing your baby would be challenging.

As a counter example - I was apparently a very easy baby who slept until 11am! (in contrast my childhood friend born 3 days before me was very fussing and her parents spent all night driving her around in a car to get her to sleep.) My parents were concerned that I was sleeping too much and took me to the pediatrican. . (The pediatrician told them to count their blessings.) The point is that my sleeping to 11AM had nothing to do with their parenting skills or lack there of. My friend's parents who drove her around in desparation to get her to sleep were not worse or unskilled parents (she had an older sister so certainly they had more experience and skills than mine). Babies can have very different temperments.

Stop blaming your wife for your baby's temperament and perhaps communication will improve and you can find some workable solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your baby might not be neuro-typical (NT).

Your baby might be an HSP (highly sensitive person)--there are individuals who are HSP in every kind of social animal that has been studied about this; the group needs HSP individuals to survive (there are also Low SP individuals in every group as well). HSP indivduals have a fine-tuned or intensified senses. Pre-industrializtion, they helped the group because they are the first to detect the predator or prey, recognize changes in the weather, tell that the food is spoiled or poisoned etc. In modern life, it's hard for them because clothes can be itchy, sounds too loud, etc.

My now 18 y.o. is an HSP and a bit neuro-diverse (not NT, so SN--special needs) and is headed to a top 10 college in the fall (I'm trying to say, she's thriving). But raising her was really tough, and it started out this way. I aged so much that first year, from exhaustion.

I also have an NT kid and the difference between NT kid and SN kid is like raising a dog and a dolphin. To continue the analogy, the first step is recognizing you have a dolphin, not a dog, and treating accordingly. Also, fyi, not getting advice from dog parents. Dog parents will not understand why your little dolphin won't do what their dogs can do so easily, and will blame your parenting. But both types can perform--it's just recognizing what you have, and finding the right environment.

I'd reach out to your pediatrician and discuss it, OP. The issue isn't your wife complaining. The issue is that you have a high-maintenance baby and you both need some support and coping strategies.

OP here. My baby doesn’t have this. He is fine. The issue is my wife made him this way. He would be a totally different baby if my wife didn’t practice attachment parenting.

Top PP here. OP, that is just your hypothesis. You don't have twins so can't do a twin study. Come on. Talk to your pede--the pede might not have the answers, but will know who to direct you to.

[Anonymous]

My advice: give it a month.

Not kidding. This will work itself out. Either your baby will start sleeping more/better, or you wife will decide it’s time to try something else. I know it’s hard to just wait it out, but you have a very young baby and your wife is the primary caregiver and it’s just a hard time. It’s very easy to say “oh if we just slee trained and moved the baby to his own room, everything would be better.” But maybe not! Sleep training can, itself, be hell. Some people do it in a few nights, but that doesn’t work for everyone and you could find yourself two weeks later feeling even more sleep deprived plus guilty as hell.

So just wait it out. It gets better. In the meantime, take care of yourself and gave empathy and kindness for your wife. That’s it. That’s how you get through it.

[Anonymous]

Of course it’s possible that OP just has a very difficult baby, but they’ve never practiced or tried to get to independent sleep, so they don’t really know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it’s possible that OP just has a very difficult baby, but they’ve never practiced or tried to get to independent sleep, so they don’t really know.

+1. OP, you’re the one doing nights by yourself, so you get to parent how you want. Read all the sleep stuff, make sure you’re keeping lights off, no play time at night, no rocking, give the baby exactly what they need (food/diaper/pat on the back), then back to bed. They need to learn that nights are for sleeping.

To all these posters, if this were the wife saying she was doing everything at night, husband wasn’t helping at all, but was dictating how she does it, you’d all call him a controlling ass and tell her to “leave him now, before it’s too late”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it’s possible that OP just has a very difficult baby, but they’ve never practiced or tried to get to independent sleep, so they don’t really know.

+1. OP, you’re the one doing nights by yourself, so you get to parent how you want. Read all the sleep stuff, make sure you’re keeping lights off, no play time at night, no rocking, give the baby exactly what they need (food/diaper/pat on the back), then back to bed. They need to learn that nights are for sleeping.

To all these posters, if this were the wife saying she was doing everything at night, husband wasn’t helping at all, but was dictating how she does it, you’d all call him a controlling ass and tell her to “leave him now, before it’s too late”.

I thought they are both doing nights? Either way, if she doesn't want to try to independent sleep, then she can do 100% of nights. She sounds bananas. Please tell me you are vaccinating your kid at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are on night duty, they you do as you please. Tell her that if she wants a specific routine at night then she is fully on duty. At the same time, do not tell her how to run the day time routine

OP you need to stand your ground. She doesn't get to decide parenting unilaterally. All of parenting is give and take with respectful discussion. If you can't come to a mutual understanding then the division by default needs to be night and day - she does things her way during the day and you do it your way (aka sleep train) at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have an almost 6-month-old. She was adamant she would never do cry-it-out and believed in more of an attachment parenting based philosophy. I was on board with it. Now it’s becoming more of an issue. Our baby only naps when being held, can’t self-soothe, and sleeps terribly at night. Often times he can’t be put down for more than 5 minutes without crying to be picked back up. It’s really starting to create problems. I try to be involved as much possible, but I work. She has been complaining about the sleep deprivation, aching back and arms from holding baby, and the fact that she can’t ever put him down. I do the evening and night wakings and he is up multiple times a night. He does still eat 2-3 times a night, but he wakes up many other times and then cries because he can’t put himself back to sleep. I’m exhausted and we are both surviving on 3-5 hours a night. I’ve been suggesting sleep training and moving him to his own room but she has refused to do it. I don’t know what to do.

This situation is due to her stupidity, ignorance, and stubbornness. You work and bring home the money and her jodealing with the problem created by her.

[Anonymous]

Are you planning to have you child attend daycare in the future? It is very difficult for the younger ones to go from attachment parenting to a group care setting.

Practise the self soothing when the little one is fully awake and fed. If fussing, start stretching out how long before you scoop up. Sing and talk in calming voices saying you will be there soon and all is okay. This way the little one can start getting used to not being held all the time, and practise self soothing for short stretches to start.