My Wife Always Complains

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you afford a sleep consultant? I’m totally against cry-it-out but did a lot of sleep hygiene and tummy time. My now seven-month-old is petite and still gets up just once a night to nurse but goes right back to sleep.

Your baby needs independent movement for development. Your actually hurting your baby by holding him constantly.

OP here. I told her about doing something like this, but she said “ she knows what our baby needs”, and her friends who do attachment parenting said “ it will get better”. Babies aren’t supposed to sleep through the night before 1 year old and it’s okay that he wakes up multiple times a night. I feel like I have no say it in and it’s been causing a lot of issues and stress.

Your wife is wrong. She clearly doesn’t know what her baby needs. NP here and I never let my baby cry alone but absolutely let him cry. At six-months you can tell an angry cry from a hungry cry from a something-is-wrong/scared cry. The proven brain-stressors are released in abandonment- not when you’re with the baby and he’s upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest you both read a couple child development books. Babies grow when they sleep, their brains rest when they sleep. They also need to no be held all day or you will end up with a 3 year old who wants to be held all day. There are many methods of sleep training and independence training and some work better for some parents and kids. Getting 3-5 hrs a night is not good for any of you. Good luck, this is very stressful.

OP here. I have tried this and she won’t read them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you afford a sleep consultant? I’m totally against cry-it-out but did a lot of sleep hygiene and tummy time. My now seven-month-old is petite and still gets up just once a night to nurse but goes right back to sleep.

Your baby needs independent movement for development. Your actually hurting your baby by holding him constantly.

OP here. I told her about doing something like this, but she said “ she knows what our baby needs”, and her friends who do attachment parenting said “ it will get better”. Babies aren’t supposed to sleep through the night before 1 year old and it’s okay that he wakes up multiple times a night. I feel like I have no say it in and it’s been causing a lot of issues and stress.

Your wife is wrong. She clearly doesn’t know what her baby needs. NP here and I never let my baby cry alone but absolutely let him cry. At six-months you can tell an angry cry from a hungry cry from a something-is-wrong/scared cry. The proven brain-stressors are released in abandonment- not when you’re with the baby and he’s upset.

OP here. I agree. I can tell when he is crying because he wants to be picked up or fighting sleep and when he needs something. I want to sleep train and think it will help, but she doesn’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Feed baby food. Start with rice cereal. Then see how baby sleeps. As soon as we did that at 3 months, we were home free.

We also kept a feeding journal of what time we fed, and how many ounces. By 5 months, was maybe 6 oz or 8 oz feedings, but I'm not certain. I felt like larger feedings, further apart, was best. She slept full.

We also bought a Fisher price or whatever thing that attaches to crib, battery operated, that had fish swim in an ocean to look at. Ours loved looking at it. And a swing to sleep in. Not sure how old we stopped using the swing though.

[Anonymous]

Then your wife gets to do 24 hour care or sleep train. She’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

6 or 8 oz was bottles not cereal. we started cereal for dinner at 3 months

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feed baby food. Start with rice cereal. Then see how baby sleeps. As soon as we did that at 3 months, we were home free.

We also kept a feeding journal of what time we fed, and how many ounces. By 5 months, was maybe 6 oz or 8 oz feedings, but I'm not certain. I felt like larger feedings, further apart, was best. She slept full.

We also bought a Fisher price or whatever thing that attaches to crib, battery operated, that had fish swim in an ocean to look at. Ours loved looking at it. And a swing to sleep in. Not sure how old we stopped using the swing though.

Oatmeal, fruit and vegetables. At six months babies can have full fat yogurt and all but butters. Avocado was great for keeping my baby full longer with some peas or broccoli puréed.

No rice cereal as it’s loaded with heavy metals.

[Anonymous]

There are many methods of sleep-training that don’t involve any crying. How could she possibly be opposed to those?

You’re going to need to step up and do what’s best for your child, OP. I think your wife might have post partum anxiety and needs help. But don’t put your wife’s anxiety before your child’s development.

[Anonymous]

This is why you do sleep training. Sleep training is not cry it out. It is helping the child learn to put himself to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many methods of sleep-training that don’t involve any crying. How could she possibly be opposed to those?

You’re going to need to step up and do what’s best for your child, OP. I think your wife might have post partum anxiety and needs help. But don’t put your wife’s anxiety before your child’s development.

THIS!!

[Anonymous]

Your baby might not be neuro-typical (NT).

Your baby might be an HSP (highly sensitive person)--there are individuals who are HSP in every kind of social animal that has been studied about this; the group needs HSP individuals to survive (there are also Low SP individuals in every group as well). HSP indivduals have a fine-tuned or intensified senses. Pre-industrializtion, they helped the group because they are the first to detect the predator or prey, recognize changes in the weather, tell that the food is spoiled or poisoned etc. In modern life, it's hard for them because clothes can be itchy, sounds too loud, etc.

My now 18 y.o. is an HSP and a bit neuro-diverse (not NT, so SN--special needs) and is headed to a top 10 college in the fall (I'm trying to say, she's thriving). But raising her was really tough, and it started out this way. I aged so much that first year, from exhaustion.

I also have an NT kid and the difference between NT kid and SN kid is like raising a dog and a dolphin. To continue the analogy, the first step is recognizing you have a dolphin, not a dog, and treating accordingly. Also, fyi, not getting advice from dog parents. Dog parents will not understand why your little dolphin won't do what their dogs can do so easily, and will blame your parenting. But both types can perform--it's just recognizing what you have, and finding the right environment.

I'd reach out to your pediatrician and discuss it, OP. The issue isn't your wife complaining. The issue is that you have a high-maintenance baby and you both need some support and coping strategies.

[Anonymous]

You both are exhausted. Does your wife have some friend or family supports she can lean on to help her during the day? I am worried about her mental health.

[Anonymous]

What does your wife want to do about this? Is she coming up with any ideas?

[Anonymous]

Have you talked with the pediatrician about these issues? Our ped always made us feel that we could ask her anything...and we did.

[Anonymous]

So... I have somewhat strong opinions on this, and YMMV. But if you look at most of the “scientists” who write about attachment parenting, they are crackpots. You can’t experiment ethically on large enough of a scale to prove any of the claims. I come from a culture that is often cited as “evidence” of how “natural” attachment parenting is. The truth is, practices like co sleeping and holding the baby all day evolve in cultures where there is a lot of alloparenting. They were never intended to be used extensively in cultures like our own where one person, usually mom, is on call 24/7. For example in my culture women rest in bed for a month after giving birth and are waited on by other women who cook special lactogenic foods for them. In the absence of all the support that makes these things possible and sustainable, I think women are guilted by an unreasonable standard that is put up by these “experts” and sustained by a parenting industry of blogs, books, equipment, etc. with a great deal of financial incentive to market these ideas as if they are innovations.

That said I did EBF and I believe it’s good for babies to have a lot of care. I sleep trained mine around 6-7 months based on research that after that age, you can actually train them out of self-soothing by intervening too much. We used wake times for age to establish solid napping during the day and a good bedtime routine. Then we started with nights, as the sleep pressure is strongest then. We did PUPD — pick up put down. Put the baby down and let them cry for one minute, pick them up again. Repeat until they fall asleep. My first fell asleep on night 1 after 10 minutes of this. Second night took 5 minutes. Third night, no crying, slept 13 hours without waking! The second one didn’t cry the first night at all. I recommend the sleep training guide on BabyCenter and Baby Sleep Science (blog by sleep consultants) for quick and painless sleep training and trouble shooting.

If the baby is ready it’s best not to drag it out. My friends who got sucked into attachement parenting had kids in their bed until they were 4, 5 years old. That’s just not good for everyone’s health given how modern life is set up,