My Wife Always Complains

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have an almost 6-month-old. She was adamant she would never do cry-it-out and believed in more of an attachment parenting based philosophy. I was on board with it. Now it’s becoming more of an issue. Our baby only naps when being held, can’t self-soothe, and sleeps terribly at night. Often times he can’t be put down for more than 5 minutes without crying to be picked back up. It’s really starting to create problems. I try to be involved as much possible, but I work. She has been complaining about the sleep deprivation, aching back and arms from holding baby, and the fact that she can’t ever put him down. I do the evening and night wakings and he is up multiple times a night. He does still eat 2-3 times a night, but he wakes up many other times and then cries because he can’t put himself back to sleep. I’m exhausted and we are both surviving on 3-5 hours a night. I’ve been suggesting sleep training and moving him to his own room but she has refused to do it. I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m trying to be as supportive as possible but it’s becoming hard. She is always complaining but doesn’t want to do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her why she won't do those things? Have you discussed her concerns?

[Anonymous]

Can’t you afford a sleep consultant? I’m totally against cry-it-out but did a lot of sleep hygiene and tummy time. My now seven-month-old is petite and still gets up just once a night to nurse but goes right back to sleep.

Your baby needs independent movement for development. Your actually hurting your baby by holding him constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her why she won't do those things? Have you discussed her concerns?

OP here. Many times. She said cry-it-out is damaging and she wants our baby to have a secure attachment to us. She doesn’t want him to feel like no one will come and help him when he cries. I was very understanding and it made sense, but now I think some gentle sleep training won’t do any harm. She still thinks letting him cry or get upset is bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you afford a sleep consultant? I’m totally against cry-it-out but did a lot of sleep hygiene and tummy time. My now seven-month-old is petite and still gets up just once a night to nurse but goes right back to sleep.

Your baby needs independent movement for development. Your actually hurting your baby by holding him constantly.

OP here. I told her about doing something like this, but she said “ she knows what our baby needs”, and her friends who do attachment parenting said “ it will get better”. Babies aren’t supposed to sleep through the night before 1 year old and it’s okay that he wakes up multiple times a night. I feel like I have no say it in and it’s been causing a lot of issues and stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you afford a sleep consultant? I’m totally against cry-it-out but did a lot of sleep hygiene and tummy time. My now seven-month-old is petite and still gets up just once a night to nurse but goes right back to sleep.

Your baby needs independent movement for development. Your actually hurting your baby by holding him constantly.

OP here. He gets plenty of play time. He just doesn’t like to be put down if he isn’t playing. If we put him in the crib or a bouncer to get things done, he cries. We end up holding him.

[Anonymous]

Let the baby sleep in bed with you. It will solve all your problems.

[Anonymous]

If you are on night duty, they you do as you please. Tell her that if she wants a specific routine at night then she is fully on duty. At the same time, do not tell her how to run the day time routine

[Anonymous]

My husband strapped our kids onto his chest with a Baby Bjorn. Happy babies. Worked beautifully. I know there’s a lot out there about some slings/carriers not being good for legs. Our kids and their legs are fine.

[Anonymous]

Secure attachment is not broken because of 3 or 4 nights of cry it .

Failing to form a secure attachment as an infant is based on repeated having your needs met on a consistent basis for a long time. Secure attachment builds during each development cycle. It’s not a one and done thing.

Often we fail to recognize the signs of a budding anxious attachment and mistake it with secure. A child who can never be put down, always looks for mom, never or extremely hard to console by offers. They take it as a sign of how much the child needs them but it can be also an anxious attachment t bc the child doesn’t feel secure at certain development stages. Your DW needs to step away from Instagram and Tik Tok for attachment advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let the baby sleep in bed with you. It will solve all your problems.

OP here. Neither of us sleep while in bed with him. Even then he wakes up multiple times. It has not solved any problems. Co-sleeping isn’t some magical cure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband strapped our kids onto his chest with a Baby Bjorn. Happy babies. Worked beautifully. I know there’s a lot out there about some slings/carriers not being good for legs. Our kids and their legs are fine.

OP here. We already use a carrier. He hasn’t helped for the baby pain.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you both read a couple child development books. Babies grow when they sleep, their brains rest when they sleep. They also need to no be held all day or you will end up with a 3 year old who wants to be held all day. There are many methods of sleep training and independence training and some work better for some parents and kids. Getting 3-5 hrs a night is not good for any of you. Good luck, this is very stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Secure attachment is not broken because of 3 or 4 nights of cry it .

Failing to form a secure attachment as an infant is based on repeated having your needs met on a consistent basis for a long time. Secure attachment builds during each development cycle. It’s not a one and done thing.

Often we fail to recognize the signs of a budding anxious attachment and mistake it with secure. A child who can never be put down, always looks for mom, never or extremely hard to console by offers. They take it as a sign of how much the child needs them but it can be also an anxious attachment t bc the child doesn’t feel secure at certain development stages. Your DW needs to step away from Instagram and Tik Tok for attachment advice.

OP here. The thing is he is happy with other people. We have had family members and babysitters and he’s fine with them. He had become used to being held. He doesn’t care who is holding him.