Help with coparenting when spouse is leaving for AP

[Anonymous]

My SD is now 26 and has some thoughts about my DH and his ex and how they tried to keep things “normal” for a few years after the divorce. She said that made it way more painful than it had to be because it dragged out the pain and the losses and the changes. It’s a kind of gaslighting, really, a way of pretending things aren’t as painful as they really are.

It likely won’t make your kids and less sad to have this half-Christmas as a pseudo family. Just will make it an even longer stretch of painful transitions for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

OP, As I said in my original post, the AP has no children. She is considerably younger. I am aware of a changing reality, that’s life with divorce. What I am trying to do is make that reality less damaging for my kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

Oh, I’m sorry you meant if they have kids together. My bad. Yes, I realize that is a likely scenario given her age. I would never, ever make things more difficult for my children or their half siblings. Even for the AP, especially if she becomes my kids’ stepmother. Right now, however, she is the woman my husband is leaving me for and I don’t want her around. I’m entitled to that.

You are not going to be able to block her from seeing the kids except if there is abuse or neglect.

That’s not what the right of first refusal is intended for. It protects OP’s children and gives them more of a voice.

For example, many men ask for 50/50 custody to lower child support. If dad is going on a business trip during his week, he could easily decide to leave the kids with stepmom — and without right of first refusal, there’s nothing OP can do. Of course the kids would prefer to stay with their mom in that scenario. Same if he wants to go on couples trips with the AP. It creates an incentive for the dad to actually spend time with his children during his custody. He can’t just dump them on his new wife or his mom or a random babysitter. This is not about preventing the children from spending time with the new wife while their dad is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

OP, As I said in my original post, the AP has no children. She is considerably younger. I am aware of a changing reality, that’s life with divorce. What I am trying to do is make that reality less damaging for my kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

Oh, I’m sorry you meant if they have kids together. My bad. Yes, I realize that is a likely scenario given her age. I would never, ever make things more difficult for my children or their half siblings. Even for the AP, especially if she becomes my kids’ stepmother. Right now, however, she is the woman my husband is leaving me for and I don’t want her around. I’m entitled to that.

You are not going to be able to block her from seeing the kids except if there is abuse or neglect.

That’s not what the right of first refusal is intended for. It protects OP’s children and gives them more of a voice.

For example, many men ask for 50/50 custody to lower child support. If dad is going on a business trip during his week, he could easily decide to leave the kids with stepmom — and without right of first refusal, there’s nothing OP can do. Of course the kids would prefer to stay with their mom in that scenario. Same if he wants to go on couples trips with the AP. It creates an incentive for the dad to actually spend time with his children during his custody. He can’t just dump them on his new wife or his mom or a random babysitter. This is not about preventing the children from spending time with the new wife while their dad is there.

Many men ask for equal time because they love their kids. Many moms refuse equal time because of child support. None of that is relevant in this situation. Spouse needs to get out, Op file for divorce and child support. I’d pack his bags and leave them outside. He made his choice. Time for her to be able to grieve the loss of her marriage and move on.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this OP.

Also, don't keep the kids away from him due to child support like a lot of women do but see what's in the best interest of his kids. You need to settle down and let go of the negative emotions and it would take some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to make this into what you imagine what coparenting should be as you are still hurt by the cheating. Once you move on emotionally, you may be able to do it.

I was a child of divorce under the same circumstances as you (dad cheated and immediately moved in with other woman) and about 2 years later he ingratiated himself into my mother life and we all spent Hollidays together. He and his new wife would even sleep in my house (mom's and mine) during those times.

I was very happy with the situation but even then, I realized it was not the best for my mother and now I cringe just thinking of it.

Starting at around 13/14 I realized what an asshole my father was regarding this situation - even though I still loved him and wanted to spend time with him, it was a good eye opener. He was a selfish asshole who wanted to make and eat his cake too.

God, I wish he was still alive so I could tell him all I think about him.

Wow! No advice for OP but this is horrible. How did your mom allow him to sleep with the AP in her house?!
Anyway, just do a clean break - it will be best for your kids in the long run.

[Anonymous]

No good advice. My brother married his AP. He and his ex wife have split every single holiday / special event. I feel terrible for my nephew that he hangs stockings at one house and then has to drive to the other. He wakes up on Christmas morning at one house but then has to spend Christmas Day at the other. Same with Tgiving, New Year’s, birthday etc. It also means he’ll never be able to travel / be away over holidays while that arrangement is in place. For me personally - living across the country (and my sister lives across the country too) it’s hard that my sister and I and our families have to travel if we all want to be togehter since my brother and his son from his first marriage can’t. Our last family get together my former sister in law had the right to pick which summer weeks she wanted first and wasn’t required to pick until May. My sister and I and our kids couldn’t afford to wait that long. So we just picked a week in August and planned to vacation togehter with my brother and his wife snd kids from 2nd marriage and hoped my former sister in law would let me nephew join. She did but the thought that she might not made me really sad even though I’m sure she’s hurting a ton from how horribly she was treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No good advice. My brother married his AP. He and his ex wife have split every single holiday / special event. I feel terrible for my nephew that he hangs stockings at one house and then has to drive to the other. He wakes up on Christmas morning at one house but then has to spend Christmas Day at the other. Same with Tgiving, New Year’s, birthday etc. It also means he’ll never be able to travel / be away over holidays while that arrangement is in place. For me personally - living across the country (and my sister lives across the country too) it’s hard that my sister and I and our families have to travel if we all want to be togehter since my brother and his son from his first marriage can’t. Our last family get together my former sister in law had the right to pick which summer weeks she wanted first and wasn’t required to pick until May. My sister and I and our kids couldn’t afford to wait that long. So we just picked a week in August and planned to vacation togehter with my brother and his wife snd kids from 2nd marriage and hoped my former sister in law would let me nephew join. She did but the thought that she might not made me really sad even though I’m sure she’s hurting a ton from how horribly she was treated.

This is a great example if how divorce has long-lasting consequences for the entire family. Especially your poor nephew who is missing out on time with his extended family.

[Anonymous]

OP back - we have decided just to split the holidays. He will have them for Thanksgiving and I will have them for Christmas. Since we are not travelling due to Covid, he will see them Christmas Eve. It all sucks, and is really unfair to our children. I feel terribly for them (and admittedly, sorry for myself) but I will not use them to get back at him. His relationship, whatever he choose it to be, is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back - we have decided just to split the holidays. He will have them for Thanksgiving and I will have them for Christmas. Since we are not travelling due to Covid, he will see them Christmas Eve. It all sucks, and is really unfair to our children. I feel terribly for them (and admittedly, sorry for myself) but I will not use them to get back at him. His relationship, whatever he choose it to be, is important.

That sounds good, OP. It’s going to be hard this first year but will get easier. And now you’re not living a lie. If you’re able to have anyone like your parents join you for Christmas Day, think about doing that or going to their house. I’m glad to hear you say you won’t put the kids in the middle. My parents did that and it really screwed up me and my sibling. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back - we have decided just to split the holidays. He will have them for Thanksgiving and I will have them for Christmas. Since we are not travelling due to Covid, he will see them Christmas Eve. It all sucks, and is really unfair to our children. I feel terribly for them (and admittedly, sorry for myself) but I will not use them to get back at him. His relationship, whatever he choose it to be, is important.

That sounds good, OP. It’s going to be hard this first year but will get easier. And now you’re not living a lie. If you’re able to have anyone like your parents join you for Christmas Day, think about doing that or going to their house. I’m glad to hear you say you won’t put the kids in the middle. My parents did that and it really screwed up me and my sibling. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

It's hard but this really can be the better approach. Maybe you can volunteer somehow to take your mind off it and do some good in the world.

[Anonymous]

My parents never did holidays together. I would've thought that would be weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks, PPs. And I'm sorry to those who have had to deal with this kind of situation - it feels like a special kind of hell.

Kids are both in elementary school and they don't know AP exists, yet. So they don't seem to understand why we might do Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. They do know we are divorcing, so I have made it about that. A clean break is what I would selfishly like to do, but I worry about how that will affect them. I would prefer to never speak to him again, but obviously that is not realistic.

You don't need to speak to him. Do everything by email and text. He can have them in the day for Thanksgiving and you can have them after 5PM. Reverse for Christmas. You need to make a custody plan with him and then make a calendar so they know what's going on. They will figure out the AP soon enough so he needs to go ahead and tell them. They probably know more than you realize. Best wishes. It sucks.

I was going to post this until I read yours.

OP needs to get a good lawyer, and 86 this cheater out of her life. I would stress and get it in writing he's not allowed to have the kids alone with this AP. He's not married to her so legally she can have that in the divorce papers. It's best to be honest to the children as to why you're getting divorced. While I agree you should never talk poorly about the other spouse, they need to hear it from you OP. not a grandparent, aunt or other family member down the road. That will happen at some point. Be honest that dad started dating and didn't want to stay married. Answer any questions honestly then move on. Do the calendar and only communicate with him by texts. And the kids will decide on their own the kind of relationship they want with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back - we have decided just to split the holidays. He will have them for Thanksgiving and I will have them for Christmas. Since we are not travelling due to Covid, he will see them Christmas Eve. It all sucks, and is really unfair to our children. I feel terribly for them (and admittedly, sorry for myself) but I will not use them to get back at him. His relationship, whatever he choose it to be, is important.

It doesn't have to suck. You'll go on and take the kids to your family for Xmas etc. OP be happy you're rid of a cheater and scoundrel. Who knows you may end up finding a great guy that is a better dad to them. My current husband ended up being the better dad, so it's no uncommon. No you don't need to use the kids in any way, they'll see the situation like everyone else does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

OP, As I said in my original post, the AP has no children. She is considerably younger. I am aware of a changing reality, that’s life with divorce. What I am trying to do is make that reality less damaging for my kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

Oh, I’m sorry you meant if they have kids together. My bad. Yes, I realize that is a likely scenario given her age. I would never, ever make things more difficult for my children or their half siblings. Even for the AP, especially if she becomes my kids’ stepmother. Right now, however, she is the woman my husband is leaving me for and I don’t want her around. I’m entitled to that.

You are not going to be able to block her from seeing the kids except if there is abuse or neglect.

if they refer to her as the whore or the slut often enough, it may be voluntary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks, PPs. And I'm sorry to those who have had to deal with this kind of situation - it feels like a special kind of hell.

Kids are both in elementary school and they don't know AP exists, yet. So they don't seem to understand why we might do Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. They do know we are divorcing, so I have made it about that. A clean break is what I would selfishly like to do, but I worry about how that will affect them. I would prefer to never speak to him again, but obviously that is not realistic.

You don't need to speak to him. Do everything by email and text. He can have them in the day for Thanksgiving and you can have them after 5PM. Reverse for Christmas. You need to make a custody plan with him and then make a calendar so they know what's going on. They will figure out the AP soon enough so he needs to go ahead and tell them. They probably know more than you realize. Best wishes. It sucks.

OP here - Thank you. I have basically gone no contact with him unless it is specifically about our kids. Sadly, he doesn't even care about having them for holidays this year. When I mentioned that we should just split them up and move forward, he was all to happy to give them all to me. He just wants to spend them with his AP.

Then, tell him to get out of the house, go be with her, file for child support and divorce and move on. Nothing you can do. Sorry you are going through that.

+100 Get all of this in writing NOW. Physical custody, all the holidays, and child support based on 100% physical custody. At some point he's going to come out of his sex haze, but by then you'll have the paperwork signed and filed.