Help with coparenting when spouse is leaving for AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks, PPs. And I'm sorry to those who have had to deal with this kind of situation - it feels like a special kind of hell.

Kids are both in elementary school and they don't know AP exists, yet. So they don't seem to understand why we might do Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. They do know we are divorcing, so I have made it about that. A clean break is what I would selfishly like to do, but I worry about how that will affect them. I would prefer to never speak to him again, but obviously that is not realistic.

You don't need to speak to him. Do everything by email and text. He can have them in the day for Thanksgiving and you can have them after 5PM. Reverse for Christmas. You need to make a custody plan with him and then make a calendar so they know what's going on. They will figure out the AP soon enough so he needs to go ahead and tell them. They probably know more than you realize. Best wishes. It sucks.

OP here - Thank you. I have basically gone no contact with him unless it is specifically about our kids. Sadly, he doesn't even care about having them for holidays this year. When I mentioned that we should just split them up and move forward, he was all to happy to give them all to me. He just wants to spend them with his AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks, PPs. And I'm sorry to those who have had to deal with this kind of situation - it feels like a special kind of hell.

Kids are both in elementary school and they don't know AP exists, yet. So they don't seem to understand why we might do Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. They do know we are divorcing, so I have made it about that. A clean break is what I would selfishly like to do, but I worry about how that will affect them. I would prefer to never speak to him again, but obviously that is not realistic.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Given the above, I might see about doing THIS Thanksgiving and Christmas together and then making the break. After all, you'll have a year until next holiday season and it should be easier for the kids to absorb/process because things will have actually changed. Right now, it's not real for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks, PPs. And I'm sorry to those who have had to deal with this kind of situation - it feels like a special kind of hell.

Kids are both in elementary school and they don't know AP exists, yet. So they don't seem to understand why we might do Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. They do know we are divorcing, so I have made it about that. A clean break is what I would selfishly like to do, but I worry about how that will affect them. I would prefer to never speak to him again, but obviously that is not realistic.

You don't need to speak to him. Do everything by email and text. He can have them in the day for Thanksgiving and you can have them after 5PM. Reverse for Christmas. You need to make a custody plan with him and then make a calendar so they know what's going on. They will figure out the AP soon enough so he needs to go ahead and tell them. They probably know more than you realize. Best wishes. It sucks.

As a child, I would have MUCH preferred just to do Thanksgiving with my father and Christmas with my mother (for example). I absolutely hated having to ping pong back and forth on holidays and do everything twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No good advice. My husband's ex left for her AP and took the kids. Be grateful you get to keep your kids.

Why your husband didn't fight for his kids? Your husband must not want it that he is ok with his ex having an affair and also keeping kids. I am not feeling sorry for him.

Of course he did. And, he was constantly in court but its rare, especially back then for a court to hold a month accountable. You are a really nasty person. The kids were really messed up because of her choices and how she raised them. Its pretty sad.

How far back are you talking about? I know atleast in last 25 years or so it would have been very difficult for mother to keep the kids if she has openly cheated and father was interested in keeping the kids. Yes, it finally came down to how much you want to fight for your kids. Sorry PP, if the truth hurts. I am very sorry that his kids had to go through this and I agree with you that it would have messed up the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No good advice. My husband's ex left for her AP and took the kids. Be grateful you get to keep your kids.

Why your husband didn't fight for his kids? Your husband must not want it that he is ok with his ex having an affair and also keeping kids. I am not feeling sorry for him.

Of course he did. And, he was constantly in court but its rare, especially back then for a court to hold a month accountable. You are a really nasty person. The kids were really messed up because of her choices and how she raised them. Its pretty sad.

How far back are you talking about? I know atleast in last 25 years or so it would have been very difficult for mother to keep the kids if she has openly cheated and father was interested in keeping the kids. Yes, it finally came down to how much you want to fight for your kids. Sorry PP, if the truth hurts. I am very sorry that his kids had to go through this and I agree with you that it would have messed up the kids.

[Anonymous]

Ok, you need to accept that you are not going to have the kind of divorce you think is "good". Even if he agrees to a holiday together, he may flake or try to get out of most of it. Plan something that will work regardless of his presence, and go forward with your head held high. Do NOT plan something that depends on him in any way or promise the kids the family will be together. They need you to see this situation clearly and protect their hearts from unnecessary disappointment. Don't make promises he won't keep.

[Anonymous]

I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No good advice. My husband's ex left for her AP and took the kids. Be grateful you get to keep your kids.

Why your husband didn't fight for his kids? Your husband must not want it that he is ok with his ex having an affair and also keeping kids. I am not feeling sorry for him.

Of course he did. And, he was constantly in court but its rare, especially back then for a court to hold a month accountable. You are a really nasty person. The kids were really messed up because of her choices and how she raised them. Its pretty sad.

How far back are you talking about? I know atleast in last 25 years or so it would have been very difficult for mother to keep the kids if she has openly cheated and father was interested in keeping the kids. Yes, it finally came down to how much you want to fight for your kids. Sorry PP, if the truth hurts. I am very sorry that his kids had to go through this and I agree with you that it would have messed up the kids.

+100. I see a dad don't care for his kids if he can't even fight for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

OP, As I said in my original post, the AP has no children. She is considerably younger. I am aware of a changing reality, that’s life with divorce. What I am trying to do is make that reality less damaging for my kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

OP, As I said in my original post, the AP has no children. She is considerably younger. I am aware of a changing reality, that’s life with divorce. What I am trying to do is make that reality less damaging for my kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

Oh, I’m sorry you meant if they have kids together. My bad. Yes, I realize that is a likely scenario given her age. I would never, ever make things more difficult for my children or their half siblings. Even for the AP, especially if she becomes my kids’ stepmother. Right now, however, she is the woman my husband is leaving me for and I don’t want her around. I’m entitled to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

OP, As I said in my original post, the AP has no children. She is considerably younger. I am aware of a changing reality, that’s life with divorce. What I am trying to do is make that reality less damaging for my kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

Oh, I’m sorry you meant if they have kids together. My bad. Yes, I realize that is a likely scenario given her age. I would never, ever make things more difficult for my children or their half siblings. Even for the AP, especially if she becomes my kids’ stepmother. Right now, however, she is the woman my husband is leaving me for and I don’t want her around. I’m entitled to that.

It's understandable that you don't want her around, but I don't think it's realistic that he would want to do holidays with you and not her, leaving her alone, or that those holidays would be anything other than painful and awkward. In the long run, especially if he has more kids, he's even less likely to want to do holidays with you his ex-wife. So you can try to force everyone into some really slow gradual transition, but that likely won't last very long, or you can rip the band-aid off and enter your new normal of separate holidays. I don't think one or the other is really better for the kids and it's unclear to me why you think gradual is better. Especially because he's clearly willing to disappoint and mistreat you and the children, so he might flake even if you do plan a holiday together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

OP, As I said in my original post, the AP has no children. She is considerably younger. I am aware of a changing reality, that’s life with divorce. What I am trying to do is make that reality less damaging for my kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

Oh, I’m sorry you meant if they have kids together. My bad. Yes, I realize that is a likely scenario given her age. I would never, ever make things more difficult for my children or their half siblings. Even for the AP, especially if she becomes my kids’ stepmother. Right now, however, she is the woman my husband is leaving me for and I don’t want her around. I’m entitled to that.

Totally agree.

Regardless of the holidays, get that right of first refusal in the separation/custody agreement and enforce it ruthlessly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks, PPs. And I'm sorry to those who have had to deal with this kind of situation - it feels like a special kind of hell.

Kids are both in elementary school and they don't know AP exists, yet. So they don't seem to understand why we might do Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. They do know we are divorcing, so I have made it about that. A clean break is what I would selfishly like to do, but I worry about how that will affect them. I would prefer to never speak to him again, but obviously that is not realistic.

You don't need to speak to him. Do everything by email and text. He can have them in the day for Thanksgiving and you can have them after 5PM. Reverse for Christmas. You need to make a custody plan with him and then make a calendar so they know what's going on. They will figure out the AP soon enough so he needs to go ahead and tell them. They probably know more than you realize. Best wishes. It sucks.

OP here - Thank you. I have basically gone no contact with him unless it is specifically about our kids. Sadly, he doesn't even care about having them for holidays this year. When I mentioned that we should just split them up and move forward, he was all to happy to give them all to me. He just wants to spend them with his AP.

Then, tell him to get out of the house, go be with her, file for child support and divorce and move on. Nothing you can do. Sorry you are going through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

OP, As I said in my original post, the AP has no children. She is considerably younger. I am aware of a changing reality, that’s life with divorce. What I am trying to do is make that reality less damaging for my kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

Oh, I’m sorry you meant if they have kids together. My bad. Yes, I realize that is a likely scenario given her age. I would never, ever make things more difficult for my children or their half siblings. Even for the AP, especially if she becomes my kids’ stepmother. Right now, however, she is the woman my husband is leaving me for and I don’t want her around. I’m entitled to that.

Totally agree.

Regardless of the holidays, get that right of first refusal in the separation/custody agreement and enforce it ruthlessly.

Don't blame her for the affair. She was 1/2 the problem but ultimately he cheated and left the marriage. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. He'll probably cheap on her too. He is responsible for his own behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to be prepared for changing reality. What if the EX and his new wife have kids? Half siblings of her own kids. You gotta play nice.

OP, As I said in my original post, the AP has no children. She is considerably younger. I am aware of a changing reality, that’s life with divorce. What I am trying to do is make that reality less damaging for my kids. They don’t deserve any of this.

Oh, I’m sorry you meant if they have kids together. My bad. Yes, I realize that is a likely scenario given her age. I would never, ever make things more difficult for my children or their half siblings. Even for the AP, especially if she becomes my kids’ stepmother. Right now, however, she is the woman my husband is leaving me for and I don’t want her around. I’m entitled to that.

You are not going to be able to block her from seeing the kids except if there is abuse or neglect.