Help with coparenting when spouse is leaving for AP

[Anonymous]

I am nearing divorce due to multiple infidelities on my DH's part. I want so badly to do this the "right way" for my children, but he is moving in with his AP, who has no children the minute our one year separation period is over (Virginia). If there were no other person involved, I believe we could do holidays together, spend time as a family, etc. to ease this transition for our kids. This added other person complicates things so much. Does anyone have advice?

[Anonymous]

Is doing things as a family actually important to your kids? If it isn't, then don't do it. It won't benefit them if it's awkward and unpleasant. And some kids prefer the simplicity of separate holidays and a rip the bandaid off divorce rather than dragging it out.

Stop thinking there is a right way to divorce. Try to figure out what your kids actually want and need.

[Anonymous]

Ugg. I was there 5 years ago and it's really tough. I basically pretended she didn't exist. If my kid mentioned her, I would be pleasantly neutral-just nod and smile. I got a right of first refusal that includes her. So my kid was with me when my ex traveled for work, and has only in the past year spent a night alone with her. I said a hard no to her taking the kid to doctor's appointments, attending school events or parent/teacher conferences. I think my ex decided it wasn't worth fighting me on. It's a tough balance. I would say hold your boundaries, but never speak poorly of her and don't set up a situation where your kids feel like they can't talk about her.

And for you, work on building the life you want for yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

Do you have family? Cousins for your kids? A best friend with kids the same age?

[Anonymous]

I think you’ve got this vision of doing this the right way that is really just fantasy. All of that sounds very confusing for your kids and likely wouldn’t turn out the way you want, anyway. Use this as an opportunity to make a clean break for yourself. Focus on your and your children’s well-being with the life you have, not the life you wish you had (even the divorce fantasy of lots of family time). Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am an ACOD with a parent-AP involved, and to me it is a lot easier to just have them be separate families. This modern happy family where everyone gets along thing is just not for me. Trying to make it happen puts a stress on everyone. Just let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks, PPs. And I'm sorry to those who have had to deal with this kind of situation - it feels like a special kind of hell.

Kids are both in elementary school and they don't know AP exists, yet. So they don't seem to understand why we might do Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. They do know we are divorcing, so I have made it about that. A clean break is what I would selfishly like to do, but I worry about how that will affect them. I would prefer to never speak to him again, but obviously that is not realistic.

[Anonymous]

No good advice. My husband's ex left for her AP and took the kids. Be grateful you get to keep your kids.

[Anonymous]

Well, it is hard to know, but I think there is a lot to be said for going straight to your new normal of separate holidays. Tell them separate holidays is what their parents have decided is best for the family as a whole, and devote yourself to making it as nice as possible. Sometimes in parentinf you just don't give a reason.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't expect too much and you need to get over the fact that there is going to be any harmony. I know it is tough but for kids' sake, don't drag it longer and be there for your kids as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks, PPs. And I'm sorry to those who have had to deal with this kind of situation - it feels like a special kind of hell.

Kids are both in elementary school and they don't know AP exists, yet. So they don't seem to understand why we might do Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. They do know we are divorcing, so I have made it about that. A clean break is what I would selfishly like to do, but I worry about how that will affect them. I would prefer to never speak to him again, but obviously that is not realistic.

You don't need to speak to him. Do everything by email and text. He can have them in the day for Thanksgiving and you can have them after 5PM. Reverse for Christmas. You need to make a custody plan with him and then make a calendar so they know what's going on. They will figure out the AP soon enough so he needs to go ahead and tell them. They probably know more than you realize. Best wishes. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No good advice. My husband's ex left for her AP and took the kids. Be grateful you get to keep your kids.

Why your husband didn't fight for his kids? Your husband must not want it that he is ok with his ex having an affair and also keeping kids. I am not feeling sorry for him.

[Anonymous]

There is no way to make this into what you imagine what coparenting should be as you are still hurt by the cheating. Once you move on emotionally, you may be able to do it.

I was a child of divorce under the same circumstances as you (dad cheated and immediately moved in with other woman) and about 2 years later he ingratiated himself into my mother life and we all spent Hollidays together. He and his new wife would even sleep in my house (mom's and mine) during those times.

I was very happy with the situation but even then, I realized it was not the best for my mother and now I cringe just thinking of it.

Starting at around 13/14 I realized what an asshole my father was regarding this situation - even though I still loved him and wanted to spend time with him, it was a good eye opener. He was a selfish asshole who wanted to make and eat his cake too.

God, I wish he was still alive so I could tell him all I think about him.


Anyway, just do a clean break - it will be best for your kids in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No good advice. My husband's ex left for her AP and took the kids. Be grateful you get to keep your kids.

Why your husband didn't fight for his kids? Your husband must not want it that he is ok with his ex having an affair and also keeping kids. I am not feeling sorry for him.

Of course he did. And, he was constantly in court but its rare, especially back then for a court to hold a month accountable. You are a really nasty person. The kids were really messed up because of her choices and how she raised them. Its pretty sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to make this into what you imagine what coparenting should be as you are still hurt by the cheating. Once you move on emotionally, you may be able to do it.

I was a child of divorce under the same circumstances as you (dad cheated and immediately moved in with other woman) and about 2 years later he ingratiated himself into my mother life and we all spent Hollidays together. He and his new wife would even sleep in my house (mom's and mine) during those times.

I was very happy with the situation but even then, I realized it was not the best for my mother and now I cringe just thinking of it.

Starting at around 13/14 I realized what an asshole my father was regarding this situation - even though I still loved him and wanted to spend time with him, it was a good eye opener. He was a selfish asshole who wanted to make and eat his cake too.

God, I wish he was still alive so I could tell him all I think about him.


Anyway, just do a clean break - it will be best for your kids in the long run.

OP here - Thanks, PP. I'm really sorry about your experience. Cheaters don't seem to think their kids will be affected by their behavior. It's just one of the multitude of character flaws they possess.