Reply to Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
[b]I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.[/b]
Thanks for reading.[/quote]

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.[/quote]

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?[/quote]

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?[/quote]

*ask[/quote]

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. [b]We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. [/b]He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.[/quote]

I don’t quite understand. Can you elaborate here? It seems to me the problem is not his schedule but you have a disagreement of the handling of your finances. Why is all of the money not “yours” - as in both of yours?[/quote]

It's a longer story, but when we first got married, we were living in a house that he owned with someone else, so for various reasons, I did not contribute to household bills and put all of my extra income in our savings account. A year later he sold the home and we bought our own home together and I contributed about 30% to the household and put the rest in savings, while he took care of 70% and daycare for #1. Then as my salary increased, I gradually increased my household contribution and we had #2, whom I pay daycare costs for. So now, we're at 60% him and 40% me for household costs, but I still continue to put all of my extra income in our savings and he does not because the precedent had already been set.

Typing this through I realize that this is part of the issue.

Also, as another dimension, I am starting a new job in January where I'll be making $30k more and this week he told me that we'll need to renegotiate our household contributions or he'll have to pick up more shifts "to keep up with me". I think this is what spurred my latest bout of resentment.[/quote]

I think you are both looking at this in a toxic way. Does it really matter if “your” money goes into joint savings to be used for your kids or whatever while more of “his” money goes into household expenses? What is even the difference there? At the end of the day it’s all joint money anyway so I don’t think the bean-counting is productive.

If you have enough money there is no need for him to pick up extra shifts to keep up. I would recommend counseling to help you sort this out productively if after discussing this again you are on different pages. [/quote]

You are right. Except it becomes an issue when I use my extra money to build our savings and he uses his extra money on luxury/unnecessary items. So it's not so much where our "core" money goes, but where the extra money goes. And you're right, we don't [b]need [/b]the extra extra money and I'd rather him not pick up extra shifts and be home with the family and/or providing me childcare relief. That's the whole premise of my post.
We discuss it every six months and I do think that professional counseling is needed at this point. How do we navigate couples counseling during a pandemic with a 6 yo shadow?  :? [/quote]

You tell the 6yo they can’t interrupt unless someone is bleeding and you lock the door so they can’t barge in. You let them watch tv or movie or play on the iPad or something fun and unusual to keep them occupied.

Also, consider a financial planner as well as a therapist. [/quote]

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