Reply to Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, you’ve gotten some harsh responses, but what is happening in your family is clearly not right. Your DH may be feeling insecure because your salary is growing faster than his - but that is totally normal if he is a first responder.

You are absolutely entitled to some downtime. It would probably help if you could describe what that would look like and put it on a shared calendar. He may also be resentful that he is doing the morning routine at 7 even if he gets home at 2 am. I know you are feeling so resentful if his time that you may not care at this point, but it seems that there are some “pain points” in both sides that could be renegotiated.

And on budget, is he really not contributing to savings? Sounds like he thinks that all the money from his extra shifts are his “fun” money when in reality, they “cost” you quite a bit in terms of time, family load, etc.

The two of you definitely need to talk about your financial aspirations (retirement, kids’ college, vacations, etc) and *both* should be contributing to those. When paychecks come in, it should be set up where bills are paid and money goes directly to savings and each of you has a “fun money” amount each month.  If there is extra (many of us aren’t spending as much during Covid), you agree where that will go. For example, we are putting more money towards future vacations to take a really nice trip when all of this is over.

Good luck. Come back and tell us how these conversations go. And don’t discuss this in the heat of the moment. Make a plan to discuss when you are both well rested and have time to concentrate. [/quote]

Thank you so much for this very thoughtful response. I appreciate it.

You are spot on. He does not contribute to savings. He transfers the exact amount needed for household expenses and adjusts as necessary. The rest is his fun money. When we go on vacation we split the cost, and he usually picks up a few extra shifts for quick cash if he needs it. Everything follows this pattern and I've honestly never thought through it this much because his schedule, while still annoying, was more manageable when we had childcare that wasn't COVID affected.

Thanks again for the advice.

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