Husband is silent when I most desperately need reassurance and acknowledgment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want him to say? And why won't you say that to yourself?

Op here. So some of the things I was freaking out about were that DH works an opposite schedule to me so I’m often alone with the children in the evenings. I was telling him I don’t know how Im going to do that if I can’t walk/can’t pick up our one year old. DH also has travel scheduled next week, and I’m going to be possibly needing surgery for my ankle (didn’t know that at the time but I was afraid it might be the case) and it is not something that can be cancelled easily.

What would have helped at the time is if he could have said something like “you know, you’re right, those things are going to be challenging and we are going to have to figure them out.” That’s what I mean by acknowledging/validating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want him to say? And why won't you say that to yourself?

Look, all he wants is to be left alone to do his office work or watch tv. He’ll pop by when convenient to briefly talk to you or play with the kids.
Probably just like his father did.

[Anonymous]

Validation is important. A marriage counselor could be super helpful in explaining what that means and how it works.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he was just to tired and worn down to do those things. Or has too much past resentment to feel like it.

Similar to the people here who don't want to have sex with their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Op here. What I mean when I say validate/acknowledge is more basic. I just want him to be like “oh no! Oh wow Honey, You really did yourself in, well this sucks” and then when I tell him “I’m worried how I’ll do nights with the kids alone if I can’t walk” he could say something like “yeah that’s going to be hard. We’re going to have to figure something out for that, but let’s first see how you are in the morning and what the doc says”.

I’m not expecting that he endlessly sit there while I whine and bitch and complain. But we have a shared household and life and children together, and I just want him to be in it with me.

The silence does make me feel alone/crazy/confused/worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want him to say? And why won't you say that to yourself?

Op here. So some of the things I was freaking out about were that DH works an opposite schedule to me so I’m often alone with the children in the evenings. I was telling him I don’t know how Im going to do that if I can’t walk/can’t pick up our one year old. DH also has travel scheduled next week, and I’m going to be possibly needing surgery for my ankle (didn’t know that at the time but I was afraid it might be the case) and it is not something that can be cancelled easily.

What would have helped at the time is if he could have said something like “you know, you’re right, those things are going to be challenging and we are going to have to figure them out.” That’s what I mean by acknowledging/validating.

I know the issue you are referring to OP. For me it was solved by communication. Instead of expecting DH to know what to say, I had to tell him what I needed to hear or do. It’s not as sexy as a man just knowing what to do, but over time he will get the hang of it. You just have to vulnerable and say honey I need you right now, I could really use a hug. Or can you please tell me that everything will be alright. DH loves you, but he is still learning you. Just share how you work with him, without a lot of pressure, and let him know you appreciate him. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

What were you saying when he was staring at you like a dumb sheep? I can see if you were yelling or kind of lost it. Were you yelling at him? If you were just saying how you are tired and fed up and he jsut stood there like some moron, well, that is really weird. As in, he is not normal at all.
"I hate life, I hate the mess, I hate how crappy eerything is...."
He just stares at you?
I am just trying to imagine this situation, it is so odd that you are in tears and he is just starting at you like ...well can't imagine it really. Either he is so clueless with emotions, like a robot, or he is fed up with your drama? What an odd situation. Does he lack normal human reactions usually?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

Your husband is thinking one or more of the following:
1) What is she ranting about now?
2) Is this really Lebron's 10th finals appearance and how will he do against Miami?
3) I'm probably not going to get some tonight if she's in this type of mood
4) Am I supposed to nod yes to what she is saying? Keep completely still and maybe she will stop and walk away
5) I wish my wife had some girlfriends to yap at about these things

So, he is an utter ass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want him to say? And why won't you say that to yourself?

Op here. So some of the things I was freaking out about were that DH works an opposite schedule to me so I’m often alone with the children in the evenings. I was telling him I don’t know how Im going to do that if I can’t walk/can’t pick up our one year old. DH also has travel scheduled next week, and I’m going to be possibly needing surgery for my ankle (didn’t know that at the time but I was afraid it might be the case) and it is not something that can be cancelled easily.

What would have helped at the time is if he could have said something like “you know, you’re right, those things are going to be challenging and we are going to have to figure them out.” That’s what I mean by acknowledging/validating.

You married some utter emotionless drone. That much is clear. Does he have caring parents or is there some disfunction there in his family of origin? He is not acting like a normal person. Not diagnosing him though. He just sounds like a total jerk, and like he was more put off with your falling and what that means to him. A selfish person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. What I mean when I say validate/acknowledge is more basic. I just want him to be like “oh no! Oh wow Honey, You really did yourself in, well this sucks” and then when I tell him “I’m worried how I’ll do nights with the kids alone if I can’t walk” he could say something like “yeah that’s going to be hard. We’re going to have to figure something out for that, but let’s first see how you are in the morning and what the doc says”.

I’m not expecting that he endlessly sit there while I whine and bitch and complain. But we have a shared household and life and children together, and I just want him to be in it with me.

The silence does make me feel alone/crazy/confused/worse.

I get it, OP. Here is how I think about it with my own DH, who struggles with the same stuff.

If you were at work, and a problem came up, would you (1) ignore the problem, hope it goes away, (2) jump right to throwing out solutions for the problem, or (3) take a moment to understand what the problem so that you can come up with a solution that makes sense?

The correct answer is clearly (3). Ignoring the problem is avoidance, and childish to boot. At work, this might work sometimes but will almost come back and bite you. And (2), being reactionary without taking the time to understand, will often result in poorly thought-out solutions that don't fix anything and often exacerbate the problem.

So suggest that your husband think about conversations with you in this analytical way. Instead of being silent, or alternatively trying to fix everything right away, explain that trying to understand is the most rational response and the one most likely to result in a smart solution. "Trying to understand" can come in the form of listening, asking relevant questions about the issue, and looking for ways to understand it by thinking of similar situations or times he has had similar problems. These techniques could also be described as "acknowledging", "validating", and "having empathy." But those words sometimes don't make sense to someone who is uncomfortable with feelings. But if he thinks of himself as a rational problem-solver, you can explain to him that trying to understand the problem is an essential step in problem-solving, and the most productive way for him to assist you in situations like this.

People have a lot of defense mechanisms to avoid doing some basic emotional labor with loved ones. One of them is to treat emotions as irrational or unknowable. But what you are describing (feeling stress, anxiety, and overwhelm after a physical injury that could impact your ability to perform your work and family duties) is rational and knowable. Feeling panicked or crying is a normal, typical response. See if your husband can use rational problem-solving to get past his discomfort with emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want him to say? And why won't you say that to yourself?

Op here. So some of the things I was freaking out about were that DH works an opposite schedule to me so I’m often alone with the children in the evenings. I was telling him I don’t know how Im going to do that if I can’t walk/can’t pick up our one year old. DH also has travel scheduled next week, and I’m going to be possibly needing surgery for my ankle (didn’t know that at the time but I was afraid it might be the case) and it is not something that can be cancelled easily.

What would have helped at the time is if he could have said something like “you know, you’re right, those things are going to be challenging and we are going to have to figure them out.” That’s what I mean by acknowledging/validating.

I know the issue you are referring to OP. For me it was solved by communication. Instead of expecting DH to know what to say, I had to tell him what I needed to hear or do. It’s not as sexy as a man just knowing what to do, but over time he will get the hang of it. You just have to vulnerable and say honey I need you right now, I could really use a hug. Or can you please tell me that everything will be alright. DH loves you, but he is still learning you. Just share how you work with him, without a lot of pressure, and let him know you appreciate him. Good luck!

Agree, and you may have to prompt him...so what do you think, feel about it? Unless he's a dum dum, he must have some thought process, just not vocal about it.

[Anonymous]

You are at your breaking point - overwhelmed, drowning, in significant pain, anticipating the exponentially increased strain and impossibility , etc...

He is probably feeling overwhelmed, incapable, lost, unsure, inept, unable to make things right, paralyzed with all of the previous emotions, etc...

See if you have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) included in your health insurance benefits OP. Call them. Use them to vent and also to help problem solve. There are solutions for childcare/medical support etc... THere are counselors who can help with marital communication issues. There are ways to tease apart the multiple challenges and address at least some of them. And there are ways to find your way back to each other as allies and a team.

I work on a lot of similar stuff in my work with a therapist. I can't change my husband (who reacts in many ways like what you're describing) but I can change my expectations, the way I communicate what I ask for, and I can VASTLY improve my own awareness of what I need and what makes me panic. The more of all of that I do, the more able my husband is to respond more helpfully.

Also, something my therapist said to me a month or two ago has really stuck with me. I was venting, kind of along the lines of what you've written here, and the therapist said to me "Imagine what your husband must not have been given as a child to be so incapable of giving you X. Maybe he can't give it to you because he never received it or saw anyone provide it."

Hang in there OP. These are extraordinarily challenging times but you will find your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

Your husband is thinking one or more of the following:
1) What is she ranting about now?
2) Is this really Lebron's 10th finals appearance and how will he do against Miami?
3) I'm probably not going to get some tonight if she's in this type of mood
4) Am I supposed to nod yes to what she is saying? Keep completely still and maybe she will stop and walk away
5) I wish my wife had some girlfriends to yap at about these things

I bet without your wife you would utterly fall apart. Men are the neediest little shits I've ever met. That's why as soon as they divorce or are widowed, they glom onto another woman. Depending on their age, they need a pussy or a nurse. The worst need both simultaneously. That's why the term "manbaby" exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I know the issue you are referring to OP. For me it was solved by communication. Instead of expecting DH to know what to say, I had to tell him what I needed to hear or do. It’s not as sexy as a man just knowing what to do, but over time he will get the hang of it. You just have to vulnerable and say honey I need you right now, I could really use a hug. Or can you please tell me that everything will be alright. DH loves you, but he is still learning you. Just share how you work with him, without a lot of pressure, and let him know you appreciate him. Good luck!

I have found it surprisingly satisfying to ask for what I want. The expectation that someone else should just know what I want when I'm upset came from a belief that I didn't deserve to be cared for. I do deserve that and so do you but you still have to say how. In a time of disaster do you want to be told that everything is going to be all right? Or do you want him to agree that everything is a disaster? Do you want him to say he'll take care of everything when you both know that's impossible? There are no right answers which is why silence seems like a good strategy. So, again, tell him what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. What I mean when I say validate/acknowledge is more basic. I just want him to be like “oh no! Oh wow Honey, You really did yourself in, well this sucks” and then when I tell him “I’m worried how I’ll do nights with the kids alone if I can’t walk” he could say something like “yeah that’s going to be hard. We’re going to have to figure something out for that, but let’s first see how you are in the morning and what the doc says”.

I’m not expecting that he endlessly sit there while I whine and bitch and complain. But we have a shared household and life and children together, and I just want him to be in it with me.

The silence does make me feel alone/crazy/confused/worse.

I get it, OP. Here is how I think about it with my own DH, who struggles with the same stuff.

If you were at work, and a problem came up, would you (1) ignore the problem, hope it goes away, (2) jump right to throwing out solutions for the problem, or (3) take a moment to understand what the problem so that you can come up with a solution that makes sense?

The correct answer is clearly (3). Ignoring the problem is avoidance, and childish to boot. At work, this might work sometimes but will almost come back and bite you. And (2), being reactionary without taking the time to understand, will often result in poorly thought-out solutions that don't fix anything and often exacerbate the problem.

So suggest that your husband think about conversations with you in this analytical way. Instead of being silent, or alternatively trying to fix everything right away, explain that trying to understand is the most rational response and the one most likely to result in a smart solution. "Trying to understand" can come in the form of listening, asking relevant questions about the issue, and looking for ways to understand it by thinking of similar situations or times he has had similar problems. These techniques could also be described as "acknowledging", "validating", and "having empathy." But those words sometimes don't make sense to someone who is uncomfortable with feelings. But if he thinks of himself as a rational problem-solver, you can explain to him that trying to understand the problem is an essential step in problem-solving, and the most productive way for him to assist you in situations like this.

People have a lot of defense mechanisms to avoid doing some basic emotional labor with loved ones. One of them is to treat emotions as irrational or unknowable. But what you are describing (feeling stress, anxiety, and overwhelm after a physical injury that could impact your ability to perform your work and family duties) is rational and knowable. Feeling panicked
or crying is a normal, typical response. See if your husband can use rational problem-solving to get past his discomfort with emotion.

God, such a good response. This is why I read DCUM. A lot of junk responses but every now and then really intelligent insight.