Husband is silent when I most desperately need reassurance and acknowledgment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

Your husband is thinking one or more of the following:
1) What is she ranting about now?
2) Is this really Lebron's 10th finals appearance and how will he do against Miami?
3) I'm probably not going to get some tonight if she's in this type of mood
4) Am I supposed to nod yes to what she is saying? Keep completely still and maybe she will stop and walk away
5) I wish my wife had some girlfriends to yap at about these things

I bet without your wife you would utterly fall apart. Men are the neediest little shits I've ever met. That's why as soon as they divorce or are widowed, they glom onto another woman. Depending on their age, they need a pussy or a nurse. The worst need both simultaneously. That's why the term "manbaby" exists.

Lol. The other reason to read DCUM, responses like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want him to say? And why won't you say that to yourself?

Op here. So some of the things I was freaking out about were that DH works an opposite schedule to me so I’m often alone with the children in the evenings. I was telling him I don’t know how Im going to do that if I can’t walk/can’t pick up our one year old. DH also has travel scheduled next week, and I’m going to be possibly needing surgery for my ankle (didn’t know that at the time but I was afraid it might be the case) and it is not something that can be cancelled easily.

What would have helped at the time is if he could have said something like “you know, you’re right, those things are going to be challenging and we are going to have to figure them out.” That’s what I mean by acknowledging/validating.

But had he said that you would have accused him of patronizing you. Or needled him about a plan.

[Anonymous]

He's probably feeling hust as overwhelmed as you, but falling apart is not an acceptable response for a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

Your husband is thinking one or more of the following:
1) What is she ranting about now?
2) Is this really Lebron's 10th finals appearance and how will he do against Miami?
3) I'm probably not going to get some tonight if she's in this type of mood
4) Am I supposed to nod yes to what she is saying? Keep completely still and maybe she will stop and walk away
5) I wish my wife had some girlfriends to yap at about these things

I bet without your wife you would utterly fall apart. Men are the neediest little shits I've ever met. That's why as soon as they divorce or are widowed, they glom onto another woman. Depending on their age, they need a pussy or a nurse. The worst need both simultaneously. That's why the term "manbaby" exists.

Lol. The other reason to read DCUM, responses like this

I know, right? This lady is so wound up. She's right about men needing some punani. But she's wrong about men falling apart and needing a woman. When a man and a woman divorce, women fare worse than men. Men typically have more financial stability which they use to buy the fruit of choice (this is a want, not a need), which is mainly punani. Plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband is thinking one or more of the following:
1) What is she ranting about now?
2) Is this really Lebron's 10th finals appearance and how will he do against Miami?
3) I'm probably not going to get some tonight if she's in this type of mood
4) Am I supposed to nod yes to what she is saying? Keep completely still and maybe she will stop and walk away
5) I wish my wife had some girlfriends to yap at about these things

So, she is an utter ass?

You forgot to add an "s"

Fixed that for ya!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I know the issue you are referring to OP. For me it was solved by communication. Instead of expecting DH to know what to say, I had to tell him what I needed to hear or do. It’s not as sexy as a man just knowing what to do, but over time he will get the hang of it. You just have to vulnerable and say honey I need you right now, I could really use a hug. Or can you please tell me that everything will be alright. DH loves you, but he is still learning you. Just share how you work with him, without a lot of pressure, and let him know you appreciate him. Good luck!

I have found it surprisingly satisfying to ask for what I want. The expectation that someone else should just know what I want when I'm upset came from a belief that I didn't deserve to be cared for. I do deserve that and so do you but you still have to say how. In a time of disaster do you want to be told that everything is going to be all right? Or do you want him to agree that everything is a disaster? Do you want him to say he'll take care of everything when you both know that's impossible? There are no right answers which is why silence seems like a good strategy. So, again, tell him what you want.

This. I learned this when I was preparing for labor, and the doula asked me how I managed pain, and what I found helpful when I was dealing with pain. It was the first time anyone had ever asked me that, and also I realized that different people find different things helpful -- some people want to be told that everything will be okay, that they are almost done, etc. I don't -- I want to be told how far along I am and how much longer it will be, for example. And then I realized that was true of other things, like stress and anxiety. What I find helpful is not what everyone would find helpful, and there is no way to know that about someone unless they tell you. We have somehow internalized this idea that your partner should just know, but they don't. You have to tell them. "Honey, I am freaking out because X, Y, and Z. I need to know that you and I will figure it out together." I would not really want to hear what OP wanted to hear. You have to say what you need. You did not marry a mind reader, and it's not like all women are the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go.

Op here. Thank you. Good suggestions.

What is the reason for the silence? Honestly I would prefer he say the wrong thing than sit there in silence.

Is it selective mutism? Is it a kind of autism? Is it lack of intelligence??

I don't think this is true. I think when a DH gives the wrong response it just adds to the irritation and they learn to walk on eggshells. My DH is from the men don't show emotion school. It has taken years of a steady drip of letting him know I want a response, giving him time to give a response, then being helpful if it isn't a good response. Basically, it is like parenting, teaching the skill that was not only not learned in childhood, but was discouraged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

Your husband is thinking one or more of the following:
1) What is she ranting about now?
2) Is this really Lebron's 10th finals appearance and how will he do against Miami?
3) I'm probably not going to get some tonight if she's in this type of mood
4) Am I supposed to nod yes to what she is saying? Keep completely still and maybe she will stop and walk away
5) I wish my wife had some girlfriends to yap at about these things

I bet without your wife you would utterly fall apart. Men are the neediest little shits I've ever met. That's why as soon as they divorce or are widowed, they glom onto another woman. Depending on their age, they need a pussy or a nurse. The worst need both simultaneously. That's why the term "manbaby" exists.

Lol. The other reason to read DCUM, responses like this

I know, right? This lady is so wound up. She's right about men needing some punani. But she's wrong about men falling apart and needing a woman. When a man and a woman divorce, women fare worse than men. Men typically have more financial stability which they use to buy the fruit of choice (this is a want, not a need), which is mainly punani. Plain and simple.

PP here. I thought the response was actually really funny and true - about men needing a pussy or a nurse or both after divorce. Definitely agree that men fall apart. Many women don't re-marry after divorce but studies show that it's often out of choice- they don't want to re-marry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go.

Op here. Thank you. Good suggestions.

What is the reason for the silence? Honestly I would prefer he say the wrong thing than sit there in silence.

Is it selective mutism? Is it a kind of autism? Is it lack of intelligence??

I don't think this is true. I think when a DH gives the wrong response it just adds to the irritation and they learn to walk on eggshells. My DH is from the men don't show emotion school. It has taken years of a steady drip of letting him know I want a response, giving him time to give a response, then being helpful if it isn't a good response. Basically, it is like parenting, teaching the skill that was not only not learned in childhood, but was discouraged.

I agree. I bet if he said the wrong thing, she'd be upset. Which is not unusual or strange, but if you'd be mad if he said the wrong thing, he's not going to say anything. People say that, but they almost never really mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go.

Op here. Thank you. Good suggestions.

What is the reason for the silence? Honestly I would prefer he say the wrong thing than sit there in silence.

Is it selective mutism? Is it a kind of autism? Is it lack of intelligence??

Do you ever snap at him for saying/doing the wrong thing in such a situation? It's a lot of pressure to put on someone to demand comfort and worse if they feel like they're walking through a minefield trying to find the right things to say.

You should also realize that your DH is feeling the same stress you are -- with kids, pandemic, no help. You are asking him to take on your stress on top of his. Some people can handle that and some can't. That is why it is easier for a therapist or friend to provide support -- they are not in the trenches with you!

There are some really good insights here.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the replies, I did apologize to him for how I treated him last night.

It turns out my ankle is broken and I’m in a boot/knee scooter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the replies, I did apologize to him for how I treated him last night.

It turns out my ankle is broken and I’m in a boot/knee scooter.

Oh, poor you, OP. I've been through that and it was not fun. You have a tough and tiring couple months ahead of you, and I remember feeling it would never end. But of course it did, and now it's just a memory. You'll get there too. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you broke your ankle. That explains your lashing out at your husband. Pain makes us all react in different ways. When I get hurt, I get quiet and need to just withdraw while I deal with pain. My husband always swoops in immediately to ask me to explain my pain and tries to instruct me (walk it off, rub it, take ibuprofen immediately, etc). He means well but it’s infuriating. I’m always like “shut up! Leave me alone! Give me a minute.” We just deal with injury situations differently.

OP, advice—clean up your freaking house. Get some order. Order will bring you some peace. I say that as a recovering slob.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, these responses are horrifying. If your love language is words of affirmation and your partner doesn't/can't do that, then he's either going to have to learn how to show you he loves you in the way you need, or you'll have to accept that you're with the wrong person. I need a man who can comfort me with words and physical touch, just like you, There are plenty of emotionally literate men just as there are plenty of emotionally illiterate men. It comes down to compatibility. The people here telling you that you're overreacting clearly have different love languages and needs and simply can't understand you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What I needed (and I even expressed this in the moment to him), was reassurance, and validation, and acknowledgement.

You are fragile, needy, and tiresome. Toughen up!

You are emotionally stunted and childlike. Grow up!