Husband is silent when I most desperately need reassurance and acknowledgment

[Anonymous]

Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

[Anonymous]

He brough you ice, ibuprofen, etc, he loves you. How is he supposed to help you with rage and despair? How does a person recognize that you are in rage and despair? Were you screaming? Because that is what rage means to me. If someone close to me was in rage, I'd just leave that situation.
You sound like an emotional abuser.

[Anonymous]

He’s doing what he knows how - bringing you ice and ibuprofen. It’s his way of caring for you. He probably just doesn’t know what to do or say in the presence of your anxiety or panic - he doesn’t know how to “fix it.” How does he usually express his own feelings when he’s upset it worried?

You need to sit down with him outside of the heat of the moment and tell him what you need. Check in with him, too, to see how he would feel best supported by you.

It would be more concerning if he didn’t respond to your pain at all, but it sounds like he’s trying.

[Anonymous]

Most likely it is lack of emotional intelligence. And very common among men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most likely it is lack of emotional intelligence. And very common among men.

If by emotional intelligence you mean coddling the most absurd overreactions, then I guess, yeah. I mean, OP is not elderly, so why the horrible fall in the bathroom and then the "rage and despair" as a result? Good god. The PP who said "toughen up" is right. This isn't cancer, or a bad car accident. Ice and ibuprofen is a totally appropriate reaction. Rage and despair is not.

[Anonymous]

He is silent because you are complaining. There is no solution to that that he can provide. So he does what many good men do, he doesn't say anything when there is no good thing to say. What do you want him to say? Suck it up, stop complaining and do your job? This is life. You had a bad day. Keep it moving honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is silent because you are complaining. There is no solution to that that he can provide. So he does what many good men do, he doesn't say anything when there is no good thing to say. What do you want him to say? Suck it up, stop complaining and do your job? This is life. You had a bad day. Keep it moving honey.

Man here. Exactly this. If you want help, tell him specifically and I bet he'll do it. Just ask him to do X,Y,Z.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night I took a bad fall in the bathroom and things seem pretty bad. I can sort of walk/hobble, but just barely. I’m in a lot of pain.

When this happened I was freaking out. I am 6 months in to a new job, and we have a 1 yo and a 4 yo, both boys, both extremely large and active, one with significant special needs.

I was telling DH, I’m so worried, what will we do, even on the very best of days our life feels impossibly hard. Our house is trashed always, we are constantly harried and frazzled. I am permanently overwhelmed. I know I need to rest and see a doctor, but I don’t feel I can take work off right now, and certainly not for multiple days. We have no family to help (not just no local family, I mean no family that we can rely on for anything).

What I needed (and I even expressed this in the moment to him), was reassurance, and validation, and acknowledgement. DH is not capable of those things.

I know he loves me, I know he was trying to help (ice, ibuprofen, etc). But what I needed was help with the rage/despair/panic. I was in horrible pain and then having a panic attack layered on top of it, and he just sat there in complete silence.

How do you deal if you’ve faced this before?

I'm kind of taken aback that you behaved badly and this is somehow his fault.

You admit to "rage/despair/panic" and instead of recognizing that these are inappropriate reactions to the situation at hand, you're blaming him?

If this is a common thing for you, see a mental health professional. This is not normal. I don't blame him for freezing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What I needed (and I even expressed this in the moment to him), was reassurance, and validation, and acknowledgement.

You are fragile, needy, and tiresome. Toughen up!

You are not fragile and tiresome. I totally believe that you are doing a lot of difficult things and doing them well. That said, the one thing you can do better than anyone else is take care of your emotional needs. Maybe your husband can help, but you need to take the lead. And that doesn't mean "train him to do what you refuse to do for yourself." As others have said, a good therapist can help you learn to take responsibility for your emotional health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what reassurance looks like. I don't have any real understanding of "acknowledgment and validation." I mean, I can come up with something like dictionary definitions, but I fundamentally can't imagine my emotional state getting any better because someone says "I acknowledge that you feel this way," "your feelings are valid," or other words which aren't so literal but attempt to express the same sentiment.

I'm going to feel the way I feel regardless of what someone else says. So, even if I have an intellectual understanding that some people have a different need, I'm really flying blind trying to give my wife or someone else what they need in this respect.

This is me too. PPs have generalized this apparent lack of empathy as something men have, but I’m a woman and I often react the way OP’s husband does. Top it off with my DH complaining at the moment that Ben doesn’t want me to fix the problem but instead just listen and validate. Well you know what, I can’t really relate in the heat of the moment when he is venting or complaining. I just have to be silent because by then I’ve already trie fix-it more, DH is annoyed by that, I feel I’ve failed him once again for lack of empathy and then I’m mad myself for not meeting his needs. And also mad at DH for being so needy. I come from a suck it up and fix it family. So I stay silent after again walking into the same trap. I’m disappointed in myself and I know what will come next. DH will ask why I always make it about me when he’s the one experiencing the problem. I also agree with the other PP that all those platitudes like oh, it’ll get better etc. are empty reassurances because I’m knee deep in the middle of the same problems and don’t see an end in sight either.

You are me. Made worse by the fact that if I try to venture what is needed, it's somehow not the right thing and DH shouts "God you suck at empathy!" If I ask what is needed, he shouts "any normal person would know!"

Needless to say it's not exactly encouraging me to speak up.

[Anonymous]

"we are constantly harried and frazzled"

We as in us as in he's probably stressed and struggling with anxieties too which means his head is probably just as tangled up as yours with all kinds of doubts just like you which means he's probably too mixed up his damn self to play friggin mind reader and magically sense that you need comfort.

OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH LADY!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What I needed (and I even expressed this in the moment to him), was reassurance, and validation, and acknowledgement.

You are fragile, needy, and tiresome. Toughen up!

You are not fragile and tiresome. I totally believe that you are doing a lot of difficult things and doing them well. That said, the one thing you can do better than anyone else is take care of your emotional needs. Maybe your husband can help, but you need to take the lead. And that doesn't mean "train him to do what you refuse to do for yourself." As others have said, a good therapist can help you learn to take responsibility for your emotional health.

It sounds like OP has some pretty extreme anxiety. That can be difficult for people to interact with if they don't know how. Shutting down out of fear of aggravating their anxiety is a common response. This remains her problem, not his. Her reaction was completely out-of-proportion for the circumstances. Your underlying point is valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

[Anonymous]

What do you want him to say? And why won't you say that to yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

Your husband is thinking one or more of the following:
1) What is she ranting about now?
2) Is this really Lebron's 10th finals appearance and how will he do against Miami?
3) I'm probably not going to get some tonight if she's in this type of mood
4) Am I supposed to nod yes to what she is saying? Keep completely still and maybe she will stop and walk away
5) I wish my wife had some girlfriends to yap at about these things