Reply to Husband is silent when I most desperately need reassurance and acknowledgment

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. What I mean when I say validate/acknowledge is more basic. I just want him to be like “oh no! Oh wow Honey, You really did yourself in,  well this sucks” and then when I tell him “I’m worried how I’ll do nights with the kids alone if I can’t walk” he could say something like “yeah that’s going to be hard. We’re going to have to figure something out for that, but let’s first see how you are in the morning and what the doc says”.

I’m not expecting that he endlessly sit there while I whine and bitch and complain. But we have a shared household and life and children together, and I just want him to be in it with me.

The silence does make me feel alone/crazy/confused/worse.[/quote]

I get it, OP. Here is how I think about it with my own DH, who struggles with the same stuff.

If you were at work, and a problem came up, would you (1) ignore the problem, hope it goes away, (2) jump right to throwing out solutions for the problem, or (3) take a moment to understand what the problem so that you can come up with a solution that makes sense?

The correct answer is clearly (3). Ignoring the problem is avoidance, and childish to boot. At work, this might work sometimes but will almost come back and bite you. And (2), being reactionary without taking the time to understand, will often result in poorly thought-out solutions that don't fix anything and often exacerbate the problem.

So suggest that your husband think about conversations with you in this analytical way. Instead of being silent, or alternatively trying to fix everything right away, explain that trying to understand is the most rational response and the one most likely to result in a smart solution. "Trying to understand" can come in the form of listening, asking relevant questions about the issue, and looking for ways to understand it by thinking of similar situations or times he has had similar problems. These techniques could also be described as "acknowledging", "validating", and "having empathy." But those words sometimes don't make sense to someone who is uncomfortable with feelings. But if he thinks of himself as a rational problem-solver, you can explain to him that trying to understand the problem is an essential step in problem-solving, and the most productive way for him to assist you in situations like this.

People have a lot of defense mechanisms to avoid doing some basic emotional labor with loved ones. One of them is to treat emotions as irrational or unknowable. But what you are describing (feeling stress, anxiety, and overwhelm after a physical injury that could impact your ability to perform your work and family duties) is rational and knowable. Feeling panicked
 or crying is a normal, typical response. See if your husband can use rational problem-solving to get past his discomfort with emotion.[/quote]

God, such a good response. This is why I read DCUM. A lot of junk responses but every now and then really intelligent insight. [/quote]

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