Husband is silent when I most desperately need reassurance and acknowledgment

[Anonymous]

Last night I took a bad fall in the bathroom and things seem pretty bad. I can sort of walk/hobble, but just barely. I’m in a lot of pain.

When this happened I was freaking out. I am 6 months in to a new job, and we have a 1 yo and a 4 yo, both boys, both extremely large and active, one with significant special needs.

I was telling DH, I’m so worried, what will we do, even on the very best of days our life feels impossibly hard. Our house is trashed always, we are constantly harried and frazzled. I am permanently overwhelmed. I know I need to rest and see a doctor, but I don’t feel I can take work off right now, and certainly not for multiple days. We have no family to help (not just no local family, I mean no family that we can rely on for anything).

What I needed (and I even expressed this in the moment to him), was reassurance, and validation, and acknowledgement. DH is not capable of those things.

I know he loves me, I know he was trying to help (ice, ibuprofen, etc). But what I needed was help with the rage/despair/panic. I was in horrible pain and then having a panic attack layered on top of it, and he just sat there in complete silence.

How do you deal if you’ve faced this before?

[Anonymous]

Why do you expect someone else to do what you won't do for yourself? If you cannot convince yourself to calm down or go see a doctor why do you think someone else should be able to do this? Is there an on/off switch for your rage/despair/panic? If so, why don't you turn it off?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. What I’ve learned is that I want to share my thoughts and feelings with my DH but then can’t expect the outcome I want too. But I do feel he is responsible for listening to me!

[Anonymous]

Men are generally problem solvers. You are upset about something, his response is likely to be to come up with a solution. If you truly just want a pat on the shoulder, you will have to say that.

Also, go to the doctor. Something could be broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night I took a bad fall in the bathroom and things seem pretty bad. I can sort of walk/hobble, but just barely. I’m in a lot of pain.

When this happened I was freaking out. I am 6 months in to a new job, and we have a 1 yo and a 4 yo, both boys, both extremely large and active, one with significant special needs.

I was telling DH, I’m so worried, what will we do, even on the very best of days our life feels impossibly hard. Our house is trashed always, we are constantly harried and frazzled. I am permanently overwhelmed. I know I need to rest and see a doctor, but I don’t feel I can take work off right now, and certainly not for multiple days. We have no family to help (not just no local family, I mean no family that we can rely on for anything).

What I needed (and I even expressed this in the moment to him), was reassurance, and validation, and acknowledgement. DH is not capable of those things.

I know he loves me, I know he was trying to help (ice, ibuprofen, etc). But what I needed was help with the rage/despair/panic. I was in horrible pain and then having a panic attack layered on top of it, and he just sat there in complete silence.

How do you deal if you’ve faced this before?

I realize this isn’t that helpful, but the scenario you described is so familiar to me, as my normally loving and caring DH is exactly the same way. Something about fear and need just shut him down. It is a real weakness on his part. I think that when he is in a similar situation, he doesn’t need reassurance and support in the same way, so it’s just not something that he knows how to give when I do need it. When things are a little better, talk to him about this when you can be calm and rational, rather than needy. Not saying that you don’t have a reason to be needy. Also OP, take a deep breath, you’ll get through this, many of us are struggling or in similar situations, so you’re not alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go.

[Anonymous]

He is not empathic nor emotional supportive, hopefully he is physically supportive and providing massages and more kid care and housecare while you recover!

Make some good girlfriends or try therapy to download emotions to. Perhaps couples counseling so you both learn back and forth conversations.

My spouse grew up in a household that didn’t talk about anything, much less how one was feelings. He even said once “feelings are weakness!” Well that’s all Bs and now our kids are in private schools learning all about how to conversation on tough subjects or feelings. But I still have to talk with my family or my friends if I want an actual response, not my husband. He avoids talks, can’t resolve conflicts, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go.

Op here. Thank you. Good suggestions.

What is the reason for the silence? Honestly I would prefer he say the wrong thing than sit there in silence.

Is it selective mutism? Is it a kind of autism? Is it lack of intelligence??

[Anonymous]

This describes my DH as well. His natural response to strong emotion is to shut it down ("fix" the problem) or walk away. Like you, what I really need is him to just be present with me when I'm hurt, panicked, frustrated. I've tried to tell him this, but it's hard to break ingrained habits--and I'm not always calm when I ask, which I know contributes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go.

Op here. Thank you. Good suggestions.

What is the reason for the silence? Honestly I would prefer he say the wrong thing than sit there in silence.

Is it selective mutism? Is it a kind of autism? Is it lack of intelligence??

Do you ever snap at him for saying/doing the wrong thing in such a situation? It's a lot of pressure to put on someone to demand comfort and worse if they feel like they're walking through a minefield trying to find the right things to say.

You should also realize that your DH is feeling the same stress you are -- with kids, pandemic, no help. You are asking him to take on your stress on top of his. Some people can handle that and some can't. That is why it is easier for a therapist or friend to provide support -- they are not in the trenches with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go.

Op here. Thank you. Good suggestions.

What is the reason for the silence? Honestly I would prefer he say the wrong thing than sit there in silence.

Is it selective mutism? Is it a kind of autism? Is it lack of intelligence??

PP here. I can only speak to my DH, but I think he was raised with some screwed up ideas about feelings and masculinity. His dad was very silent and also quick to anger, and I think his mom did not think to talk to him about feelings because he was a boy and she considered that "girl" stuff. I know the phrase "toxic masculinity" is very en vogue right now, but it's real.

Which reminds me of something that I do think is helping over time -- we also have young kids, and I have really worked hard with them on emotional regulation thanks to some wonderful parenting advice I got when my oldest was starting to have meltdowns. The whole family is involved with it and we talk a lot about acknowledging and validating feelings, and then finding productive ways to calm ourselves and regulate our emotions. Even though it's not something my DH would have come up with on his own, he's very committed to making sure our kids learn healthy ways to regulate their emotions. Talking about this as a family and doing some of the practices for helping our kids when they are dealing with big emotions has really boosted DH's vocabulary and awareness of emotional issues. He's still not great at it, but I think he at least sees how valuable it is because he's seen how much it's helped our kids. I think that's one of the reasons he's been so supportive of my therapy -- he realizes this is just a normal human need and not me just being demanding or difficult.

[Anonymous]

I know what reassurance looks like. I don't have any real understanding of "acknowledgment and validation." I mean, I can come up with something like dictionary definitions, but I fundamentally can't imagine my emotional state getting any better because someone says "I acknowledge that you feel this way," "your feelings are valid," or other words which aren't so literal but attempt to express the same sentiment.

I'm going to feel the way I feel regardless of what someone else says. So, even if I have an intellectual understanding that some people have a different need, I'm really flying blind trying to give my wife or someone else what they need in this respect.

[Anonymous]

Many men don't reassure. They see it as a pointless waste of time and words. They prefer to solve issues, you wanted him to lie? How does he know anything will be ok?
I dislike needy people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know what reassurance looks like. I don't have any real understanding of "acknowledgment and validation." I mean, I can come up with something like dictionary definitions, but I fundamentally can't imagine my emotional state getting any better because someone says "I acknowledge that you feel this way," "your feelings are valid," or other words which aren't so literal but attempt to express the same sentiment.

I'm going to feel the way I feel regardless of what someone else says. So, even if I have an intellectual understanding that some people have a different need, I'm really flying blind trying to give my wife or someone else what they need in this respect.

This is me too. PPs have generalized this apparent lack of empathy as something men have, but I’m a woman and I often react the way OP’s husband does. Top it off with my DH complaining at the moment that Ben doesn’t want me to fix the problem but instead just listen and validate. Well you know what, I can’t really relate in the heat of the moment when he is venting or complaining. I just have to be silent because by then I’ve already trie fix-it more, DH is annoyed by that, I feel I’ve failed him once again for lack of empathy and then I’m mad myself for not meeting his needs. And also mad at DH for being so needy. I come from a suck it up and fix it family. So I stay silent after again walking into the same trap. I’m disappointed in myself and I know what will come next. DH will ask why I always make it about me when he’s the one experiencing the problem. I also agree with the other PP that all those platitudes like oh, it’ll get better etc. are empty reassurances because I’m knee deep in the middle of the same problems and don’t see an end in sight either.

[Anonymous]

What I needed (and I even expressed this in the moment to him), was reassurance, and validation, and acknowledgement.

You are fragile, needy, and tiresome. Toughen up!