Husband is silent when I most desperately need reassurance and acknowledgment

[Anonymous]

I think many DHs are like OP's. What can they do when you are raving and ranting and having a panic attack? He is also as scared as you.

He got you ice and ibuprofen. There is nothing much he can do. Your own behavior is not reassuring because in the face of a problem, you fold up and have a panic attack. You also mix the mundane (house is trashed with small kids!! DUH!!!) with profound (we don't have family support and we have 2 very small kids and if something happens to one of us, we feel we are up shitz' creek). So you actually bombard him with more panic...

I would suggest the following - PRIORTIZE. Your priorties are -
1) You all should remain alive, healthy and COVID free.
2) Your house should remain standing
3) You should have the basics covered - every one fed and warm - and kids safe from harm.
4) You both need to remain employed but ask for leave if you need medical leave. Because if you become disabled or sick (See Priority 1) - you will not be able to hold on to Proority 1 and 3.

Every single person's house is forever trashed every single hour and day. Accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been there and also find this frustrating. My DH is also very silent and can freeze up when I’m upset. We are still working on it, and we’ve had lots of conversations about what we both need in terms of support and how to give it to each other. I will say that I’ve accepted my DH will never be the kind of person to easily offer physical consoling or verbal encouragement. I have learned to ask for physical reassurance when I need it (can I have a hug?) and to accept that his silence is not a judgment when I am struggling. Sometimes I can tell him what my needs are, and he can come back after 20-30 minutes and offer some reassurance, once he’s had time to think about what to say.

Something that helps us finding a therapist I can talk to when I’m struggling to get some of the support I can’t get from my DH. He’s very supportive of this because he knows he can’t provide the emotional support I need. So in a way my therapy feels like a way my DH can offer support, because he helps facilitate it by making sure we have childcare during my appointments and encouraging me to go.

Op here. Thank you. Good suggestions.

What is the reason for the silence? Honestly I would prefer he say the wrong thing than sit there in silence.

Is it selective mutism? Is it a kind of autism? Is it lack of intelligence??

Do you really lack this much insight? You just described a history of telling your husband that he doesn't respond in the way you want and then you say that you would prefer he say the wrong thing than nothing? If you want to resolve this, you really have to be more honest with yourself, rather than try to pathologize him.

I'm going to try and say this kindly, but you have some pathologies yourself. Please seek therapy for anxiety and panic disorder.

Also, if you think your life seems impossibly hard, it probably is. A new job with two kids under K age is hard for anyone and if you don't have family around you need to be paying for some of the following -- aftercare, a babysitter who provides after aftercare or after care pickup, a house cleaner, someone who does some grocery shopping and cooking or a meal in a box service, a babysitter so you can have evenings out together or time to yourself, a gym with childcare, etc.

And, you need an attitude adjustment re work. If you are injured, you absolutely need to take time off to follow up on that. Do you have sick days? Use them. You are not indispensable at work, and it's your boss's or HR's job to help you figure out how to shift your responsibilities when you need to use sick leave.

Your DH may be silent because there is really nothing he can say that is going to fix a panic attack or make you take sick leave and go to the urgent care for your injury. In that moment of panic, you are beyond reason. (I know because my DD has panic attacks. Once she agreed to go to therapy, she could benefit from my talking her through how to calm down. Before therapy, she was unreachable.)

[Anonymous]

Awwww...sweetie! This is a tough stage of life.
Ok, let me acknowledge - life will be shitty until kids are grown and it is bloody hard.
Reassurance - this will pass. This is not the worse thing but it is tough and it will get better. It is ok to feel bad and sorry for yourself. But, please don't break what is not broken. Being pissed at DH and kids is not going to make anything better. Ok? so, first...do no harm. Being mad at DH is not your big problem right now.

Here are the steps you need to follow -
- Get medical attention
- Call office and take leave for tomorrow. Call right now.
- Tell your DH to feed the kids PB&J sandwich and start one load of dishwasher. Let the kids skip the bath. Tell him to do one load of laundry, and when it is dried you fold it while sitting on the bed.
- Get the kids to snuggle with you on the bed and couch and read them a story or watch TV.
- Take another Ibuprofen.

[Anonymous]

Is everyone aware that this was a zombie thread revived from 2020, near the bottom of page 4?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is everyone aware that this was a zombie thread revived from 2020, near the bottom of page 4?

Lol I was going to say, “gosh this sounds really familiar, I swear someone on DCUM had a similar problem a few years ago” and then I saw this and yep, zombie thread.

[Anonymous]

OP it is a hard few years when the kids are small. you'll be ok. I'm so impressed he got you ibuprofen. My Dh would have just looked at me and said "what do you want me to do about it?" I shit you not. And not because he is a cold hearted ass, but because he is probably very much on the spectrum and didn't grow up in a family where comfort and kindness was dished out.

Give him a break. It's almost like you're blaming the fall on him. You'll be ok.

[Anonymous]

This thread is 1.5 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night I took a bad fall in the bathroom and things seem pretty bad. I can sort of walk/hobble, but just barely. I’m in a lot of pain.

When this happened I was freaking out. I am 6 months in to a new job, and we have a 1 yo and a 4 yo, both boys, both extremely large and active, one with significant special needs.

I was telling DH, I’m so worried, what will we do, even on the very best of days our life feels impossibly hard. Our house is trashed always, we are constantly harried and frazzled. I am permanently overwhelmed. I know I need to rest and see a doctor, but I don’t feel I can take work off right now, and certainly not for multiple days. We have no family to help (not just no local family, I mean no family that we can rely on for anything).

What I needed (and I even expressed this in the moment to him), was reassurance, and validation, and acknowledgement. DH is not capable of those things.

I know he loves me, I know he was trying to help (ice, ibuprofen, etc). But what I needed was help with the rage/despair/panic. I was in horrible pain and then having a panic attack layered on top of it, and he just sat there in complete silence.

How do you deal if you’ve faced this before?

He sounds emotionally stunted and probably developmentally stunted if he’s voluntarily or involuntarily meaning you shoulder so much.

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what reassurance looks like. I don't have any real understanding of "acknowledgment and validation." I mean, I can come up with something like dictionary definitions, but I fundamentally can't imagine my emotional state getting any better because someone says "I acknowledge that you feel this way," "your feelings are valid," or other words which aren't so literal but attempt to express the same sentiment.

I'm going to feel the way I feel regardless of what someone else says. So, even if I have an intellectual understanding that some people have a different need, I'm really flying blind trying to give my wife or someone else what they need in this respect.

This is me too. PPs have generalized this apparent lack of empathy as something men have, but I’m a woman and I often react the way OP’s husband does. Top it off with my DH complaining at the moment that Ben doesn’t want me to fix the problem but instead just listen and validate. Well you know what, I can’t really relate in the heat of the moment when he is venting or complaining. I just have to be silent because by then I’ve already trie fix-it more, DH is annoyed by that, I feel I’ve failed him once again for lack of empathy and then I’m mad myself for not meeting his needs. And also mad at DH for being so needy. I come from a suck it up and fix it family. So I stay silent after again walking into the same trap. I’m disappointed in myself and I know what will come next. DH will ask why I always make it about me when he’s the one experiencing the problem. I also agree with the other PP that all those platitudes like oh, it’ll get better etc. are empty reassurances because I’m knee deep in the middle of the same problems and don’t see an end in sight either.

You are me. Made worse by the fact that if I try to venture what is needed, it's somehow not the right thing and DH shouts "God you suck at empathy!" If I ask what is needed, he shouts "any normal person would know!"

Needless to say it's not exactly encouraging me to speak up.

I would love to meet this husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

Your husband is thinking one or more of the following:
1) What is she ranting about now?
2) Is this really Lebron's 10th finals appearance and how will he do against Miami?
3) I'm probably not going to get some tonight if she's in this type of mood
4) Am I supposed to nod yes to what she is saying? Keep completely still and maybe she will stop and walk away
5) I wish my wife had some girlfriends to yap at about these things

If he’s in the autism spectrum, even high functioning, he’s actually thinking NOTHING. He has shut Down, he doesn’t do feelings or consoling or talking. He’s thinking nothing, he’s blocking out everything and hoping she shuts up because he doesn’t know what to do or what to say.

The reality is a normal husband would have given her a hug, the ice and into, and taken her to Urgimed for an X-ray. Either immediately or waited a few hours to see if a sprain or strain..

Aspies only know what they know (aka what they themselves have done before). You can talk to them until you’re blue in the face about physical pain, or a beautiful waterfall, or a terrible boss — they cannot relate on any level, unless they did it themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you telling us that while you were venting to him, he just stood there silent and pretended not to hear you? Or did he say things, but not what you needed?
If you are talking to someone and he is ignoring you, sure he is an ass. If he is saying things, but not what you want to hear, what is he a sorting hat from Hogwarts that can read you thoughts?

Op here. I’m talking silence. Looking at me but completely silent. This has happened lots of other times, and not just when I’m upset. Total silence.

What were you saying when he was staring at you like a dumb sheep? I can see if you were yelling or kind of lost it. Were you yelling at him? If you were just saying how you are tired and fed up and he jsut stood there like some moron, well, that is really weird. As in, he is not normal at all.
"I hate life, I hate the mess, I hate how crappy eerything is...."
He just stares at you?
I am just trying to imagine this situation, it is so odd that you are in tears and he is just starting at you like ...well can't imagine it really. Either he is so clueless with emotions, like a robot, or he is fed up with your drama? What an odd situation. Does he lack normal human reactions usually?

This is the entire HFA ASD family we know. They stare at you in wonderment or assume you are crazy. Crazy to be talking, crazy to have feelings or emotions, crazy to be doing anything or wanting anything.
They just stand there and never bring it up ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is 1.5 years old.

I hope she’s divorced by now. That would drop the stress and neglect level.

[Anonymous]

He is probably tired of you being so frazzled all the time! (Sorry!)