Husband Wants Me To Stop Co-Sleeping.

[Anonymous]

Something similar happpened to me. I never wanted a second child but Stbx gave me all kinds of ultimatums about cosleeping and breastfeeding (past one year).
I had to give in but I never forgave him. It wasn’t the only or even the main issue why we decided to separate, but it hurt me deeply along with the other things he did, and our relationship never recovered (he harbored his own resentment and hurt and anger too).
Basically I slept with him but I hated him for making me do it. Call me crazy, it is what it is. I even tried individual therapy (he wouldn’t go) and it only increased my desire to have nothing to do with him (but he wasn’t the best husband and father tbh).
Make of it what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an amazing 1 year old son. He’s the best little guy and has made our lives so much better. My husband
is an amazing dad. I would love to start trying for a second but my husband said not until I change my current situation.

Our son has always been a great sleeper. We started with The Snoo and then co-sleeping. I had issues with breastfeeding and used co-sleeping as a way to get that bond that I missed out on with breastfeeding. Our son has slept 8-7 since 3/4 months old and doesn’t need to eat during the night. He is able to sleep by himself and has many times. He doesn’t have any of the issues like breastfeeding all night or not sleeping that most women experience and end up co-sleeping.

My husband is a very deep sleeper and was not comfortable sleeping in the bed with my me and the baby. He has been sleeping in the guest room for six months. Our relationship has suffered because of it. He’s a very affectionate person and has told me he feels like I’m not putting enough attention into our relationship. He told me he is not wiling to start trying for another child until I stop co-sleeping. I understand where he is coming from but I love the co-sleeping. I’m upset that he is giving me an ultimatum. I’m very hurt and feel like he isn’t taking my feelings into consideration. I don’t know if I should give up co-sleeping. What would you do?

Also I want to add with the underlined that cosleeping is judged heavily in the West. It is the norm in a lot of other places/countries/cultures. Babies are not meant to be separated from their mother for extended periods of time. I think that breastfeeding issues and frequent wakings make it easier for women to cosleep because it allows them a reason besides just wanting to be close to their children. If you work full-time and baby goes to sleep from 8-7, you have 4 hours tops with your kid on top of cleaning, dinner, errands, etc.

My son just started back at part-time playschool after 6 months of being with us at home. He has expressed lots of sadness about missing mommy and daddy and our dog and his grandma (who lives with us) and was exceptionally needy for the first week or so. He had previously been sleeping in his own bed but asked to sleep in our bed. We allowed it and within a week or so, he went back to his own bed. He just needed to reconnection.

On the same point, your husband needs connection too. Im not sure why it has to happen at night but you all should explore that together.

Kids in cultures where co-sleeping is common don’t necessarily co-sleep with the parents after infancy. These cultures also tend to have multigenerational households The toddler would sleep with grandma so mom and dad could get time together.

[Anonymous]

PP here: to add, it was important for me to co sleep and BF for as long as possible because I knew I wouldn’t be having another child so I wanted to experience the closeness to the max.
I don’t see any issues in my son now, he is a typical preteen, actually fairly independent and he was never overly attached.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your husband is being unreasonable at all.
This isn't a debate about cosleeping or not so that really isn't relevent to the discussion.
Your husband has already compromised , you have been cosleeping with your son for a year, and your husband even went so far as to move into another room for 6 months so you could continue sleeping with the baby, instead of insisting you put him in a crib at 6 months.

You admit your son does not need you to sleep with you.

You admit youe marriage has sufferd.

I think it's your turn to change your behavior to make things work for the family. Your DH has already done this.

[Anonymous]

Now's a good time to transion the baby into his own bed.

It will be much harder to do at 18 mons on 2 years, whenever baby number 2 comes around unless you plan on cosleeping with your toddler and newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re avoiding something op. Really dig deep—this isn’t about your son’s needs.

Op thinks she's failed as a mom because of the breastfeeding issues. So she thinks sleeping with him every night will somehow make up for it. The reality is OP didn't fail and not breastfeeding will.have zero impact on her kid and their health or bond to her.

Very astute. This is the issue OP needs to deal with. She didn't fail. She has nothing to make up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had issues with breastfeeding and used co-sleeping as a way to get that bond that I missed out on with breastfeeding.

This is one of the most bizarre statements I've read on this board.

[Anonymous]

At the very least put the baby in a crib near your bed. Nobody here is even addressing the serious issue of babies dying when parents suffocate them while co-sleeping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DH and I co-slept with DD until she was 3.
I find it very immature of your husband to sleep elsewhere and find co-sleeping unnecessary and weird, and I'm very glad my husband was perfectly fine with co-sleeping.

Personally, I wouldn't want to space my kids so close anyway. Enjoy the time you have with this one first. Then, when you're both ready, transition him gently to his room, and think about another.

Her husband is a deep sleeper and it is at safe for all of them to be in the same bed. He is doing what’s best for his child’s safety. That’s not immature. OP said he is a great sleeper and can sleep on his own so he doesn’t need any gentle transitions. OP is selfish.

PP you replied to.

The baby does not need to be on DH's side of the bed, there are many ways to do this, including putting a co-sleeper or crib right up close to OP's side. Whatever works.

And OP has a right to think about her happiness! If this is what makes her happy, then that's what she should do. Why do some men place their needs above their child's and expect their wives to agree? Misogyny, that's what it is.

What the what???
I’m a happily married lesbian who breastfed and co-slept with both kids. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read here in a long time.

Team DH.

[Anonymous]

You are sacrificing your bond with DH to strengthen your bond with your son.

The thing is, there isn't anything you need to do to strengthen your bond with your son. Your son will be bonded to you whether you sleep together or not.

But marital bonds can be easily broken, especially during infant/toddler years. You have to pay more attention to the marital bonds. Those need to be nurtured daily. And your DH is telling you he is feeling like the bonds are starting to break.

Keep in mind, you only have 18 years with your child, but will have 30+ years with your husband. And broken marital bonds can be hard to repair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DH and I co-slept with DD until she was 3.
I find it very immature of your husband to sleep elsewhere and find co-sleeping unnecessary and weird, and I'm very glad my husband was perfectly fine with co-sleeping.

Personally, I wouldn't want to space my kids so close anyway. Enjoy the time you have with this one first. Then, when you're both ready, transition him gently to his room, and think about another.

Her husband is a deep sleeper and it is at safe for all of them to be in the same bed. He is doing what’s best for his child’s safety. That’s not immature. OP said he is a great sleeper and can sleep on his own so he doesn’t need any gentle transitions. OP is selfish.

PP you replied to.

The baby does not need to be on DH's side of the bed, there are many ways to do this, including putting a co-sleeper or crib right up close to OP's side. Whatever works.

And OP has a right to think about her happiness! If this is what makes her happy, then that's what she should do. Why do some men place their needs above their child's and expect their wives to agree? Misogyny, that's what it is.

What!. The baby is fine, by OP's own words the baby does not need cosleeping. Her DH has been very flexible in all of this, even moved to another room for the last 6months so that OP could keep up the cosleeping.

No one individuals happiness should come before the family as a whole and that is what OP is doing.

[Anonymous]

You are thinking about your short term happiness. Think long term. If you marriage does not make it are you okay with only seeing your child only 50 % of the time.

[Anonymous]

Stop cosleeping OP.

[Anonymous]

Would you rather have a second kid or a husband? It’s all in your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you rather have a second kid or a husband? It’s all in your hands.

How does one expect to get a second kid if husband's always sleeping somewhere else anyway?