Husband Wants Me To Stop Co-Sleeping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Marital bed is a nice phrase for sex. They can have sex elsewhere. If it is about intimacy thats a separate issue. Also not all successful couples share beds.

+1

Your husband is jealous, and wants to tell himself that his son is 'fine' and that he (your DH) 'needs you more' ! Your husband is a grown man who is not as emotionally mature as he thinks he is. He's had however many years to learn to self-soothe and he still can't? You're not his teddy bear. You are his wife and you're also your and his son's mother. This is how all the corrosive man-up & competitive stuff starts.

You can have sex elsewhere. but why should you, when the bedroom is a perfectly reasonable place.

I also challenge the idea that marital bed is all about sex, some of my best, most vulnerable, and deepest conversations have occurred at bedtime.

OP has said her son does not need the cosleeping, she does it because she feels guilty about not breastfeeding, that to me is a toxic motherhood.

Her husband also deserves to sleep in his own bed. I would be annoyed to have to sleep in the guest room for years on end. I like my bed and bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your son is ready for his own bed and you are being very selfish. You need to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody who has a spouse should be sleeping in the same bed with their kid. Nobody. I know a couple who let the kids into their bed when they were little. The husband confided in me later that their 10 and 12 year old son and daughter were sleeping in the parent's room on the floor because they couldn't stand to sleep in their own rooms and were unhealthily attached to their mother's presence. Pathetic situation, although I do realize it's extreme.

It is BAD for kids to sleep with a parent in the same bed. Spouses should sleep together, especially if they actually want to, and kids need to learn how to sleep in their own bed.

This is bullshit. Many, many other countries and cultures have family beds. It's not as weird as you think it is. That said, OP needs to let her husband back in the room.

[Anonymous]

It’s so sad how anti instinctive this society is and how it validates the selfish desires of man children.

[Anonymous]

GIRL- it’s time. I say this with my 4 year old
Laying in bed between me and my husband bc she came downstairs “scared”

I’m a nurturer too, these periods don’t last forever. But look, you’ve got to get him on track soon for
Upcoming milestones. Toddler bed, potty training, loving his own room and a better nighttime routine. I promise, he will be coming back down around 3.5-4.5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so sad how anti instinctive this society is and how it validates the selfish desires of man children.

You’re ridiculous. It’s not normal to go to bed at 8, have zero alone time with your husband (nor apparently want any. Wtf) and have your child not even need you to co sleep! Like that is batshit. And you want a second child? Please.

Do you also think the mom should bear the brunt of child care? Because you can’t have it both ways. If you want an equal partnership you can’t act like all decisions are unilaterally yours because you are mom

[Anonymous]

OP lives here. Sounds like she is American born and raised. Who cares what is the norm somewhere else in the world? It is not just about sex, talking at night, having the plans for the next day, falling asleep, having a partner. Not to mention htat OP admitted that she is doing this for herself.
She needs to ask herself why is she using her 1 year old for emotional support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so sad how anti instinctive this society is and how it validates the selfish desires of man children.

You’re ridiculous. It’s not normal to go to bed at 8, have zero alone time with your husband (nor apparently want any. Wtf) and have your child not even need you to co sleep! Like that is batshit. And you want a second child? Please.

Do you also think the mom should bear the brunt of child care? Because you can’t have it both ways. If you want an equal partnership you can’t act like all decisions are unilaterally yours because you are mom

This also just isn't about the husband. Doing all this cosleeping prevents OP from doing anything for herself. She's making motherhood her entire identity. Not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I admit that co-sleeping is about me. My son can sleep on his own and he has. I wasn’t able to breastfeed and wanted that close bond tahr I didn’t through breastfeeding. My husband has been very supportive and understanding. He has said many times lately we need to move our son to his own room if we want to have a second child. He is not going to feel like a speak donor. He’s very affectionate and loves to cuddle. He has not been getting that.

I’ve been afraid to leave my son in my bed alone so I go to bed with him at 8 when he does. That doesn’t leave much time with my husband. He said he does not want a second child if this will happen again.

I’m going to move our son into his bed tonight. It’s right next door to ours. I realize I have been selfish. We have only been together for 3 years and we are older ( 38 and 40) which is why we want to try for a second child now.

There is more to it than that, I bet. It is about you thinking that you might not have another kid, getting old, but you are afraid to leave your son in your bed alone? He does not have a crib? Are there rails on that bed?

[Anonymous]

Therapy

[Anonymous]

OP I like the idea of getting your son early in the morning from his own room and THEN bringing him into your bed for some cuddles. Seems like the best of both worlds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The anti- cosleeping is an American thing. I am from another country and co-sleeping is the norm. We still have sex with our husbands, but often don’t sleep together. My DH and I have not slept in the same bed much since our first was born. We have sex plenty(at least 3 times a week) and we have 3 kids. Once the baby stops waking up at night (usually around 2), we will move him with his Sisters so he is not sleeping alone. We always co-slept for as long as our kids wanted/needed it (right around 2/2,5). It not an issue in our relationship at all. I feel horrible for the kids that are left alone to cry. THAT is not acceptable where I come from.

So OP... if the issue is the lack of sex then HAVE sex with your DH before bed... if it’s a better or principle (which I really don’t get), then try to change your husband perspective. Kids are not meant to sleep alone!!!! Why should a grown man not want to sleep alone, but a baby yes?!?! Makes absolutely no sense to me...

You do know that most kids who don’t cosleep are not “left alone to cry” right? The current recommendation is room sharing. Baby in bassinet or crib, parents in the bed.

OP, you’ve already gotten a lot of advice. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry you feel that you couldn’t bond due to not breastfeeding. I also wasn’t able to breast feed, and I know the relentless pressure and shitty comments that come with that. The good news is that it’s bs. At this point your bond is established also.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if OP had some undiagnosed post partum anxiety. So much attention is paid to depression and not enough to anxiety. That can lead to behavior like never being alone from the baby.

[Anonymous]

It's also clearly established that infants in a parent's bed are more likely to die. One NIH study showed 70% of kids who died of SIDS were bedsharing when they died.

My cousin lost her baby boy this way and screams it from the rooftops not to make the same mistake. Bed sharing isn't just bad for you mentally it's dangerous for the baby. There's a reason pediatricians tell you to put the baby in a bassinet or crib. They've seen what happens when bedsharing goes wrong.

Obviously we're talking young babies here, but OP wants a second kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP had some undiagnosed post partum anxiety. So much attention is paid to depression and not enough to anxiety. That can lead to behavior like never being alone from the baby.

I agree. I was thinking she should explore getting healthy metal health wise before considering having another.