Why doesn’t MIL help SIL who has cancer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

Why does she need a break?

SIL is OK. She’s not on her death bed.
She just needs rides to the hospital and back and gets tired after procedures. Between that she still works and does stuff.

If your SIL doesn't need that much care, then she doesn't need anyone staying with her for weeks at a time. She can uber back and forth to the hospital and order in food when she's tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices, she is a huge COVID risk to your older MIL, yes?

Hello, OP? Has this even crossed your mind?

Nah, MIL trots around town and even goes to her huge church service so Covid is not very concerning to her.

Is that really someone you think should be caring for a cancer patient? Are you trying to kill your SIL?

[Anonymous]

So what’s the actual story, OP? If the patient’s own mother and sons aren’t figuring it out and the sisters are hitting up a SIL, what’s going on in this family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

Why does she need a break?

SIL is OK. She’s not on her death bed.
She just needs rides to the hospital and back and gets tired after procedures. Between that she still works and does stuff.

This statement makes me think you have no idea what really caregiving entails. It’s exhausting and depressing and hard. And you sound fully unappreciative of the effort she has already made, which was likely exhausting for her because she’s old and stuff like being out of your own space is hard on older people, in addition to the caretaking element. If you can’t help, don’t. But don’t volunteer other people’s time or judge them for giving only what they think they can. Which is exactly what you are doing.

+1. Caregiving for a sick parent or child is exhausting mentally and usually physically. BTDT

[Anonymous]

This is me

I would drop everything I had going on in my life, work out a home schedule, pack my bags for the long haul and go take care of my SIL even though she doesn't like me. I would be with her until the end meaning whichever way it goes. Nothing, absolutely nothing could stop me from taking care of her.

There comes a time in life, for some many times, where you need to be the one to step up. Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Imagine no one caring about you. This should not be a hard decision. If you can't be there at least make sure some burdens are lifted. You do what you can. No one should suffer alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, gently, you might want to reread your post with fresh eyes. It REALLY does not sound nice. How are you possibly making this about you? A little compassion will go a loooong way.

I thought this too

[Anonymous]

I'm still struggling to understand why OP thinks she can opine on how someone else uses their time. This isn't OP's mother, it's not OP's sister. This is her DH's family and he has an issue with how things are done in his family of origin, it's up to him to address it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me

I would drop everything I had going on in my life, work out a home schedule, pack my bags for the long haul and go take care of my SIL even though she doesn't like me. I would be with her until the end meaning whichever way it goes. Nothing, absolutely nothing could stop me from taking care of her.

There comes a time in life, for some many times, where you need to be the one to step up. Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Imagine no one caring about you. This should not be a hard decision. If you can't be there at least make sure some burdens are lifted. You do what you can. No one should suffer alone.

You’re nuts. The woman is not gravely ill.
I certainly would not expect her to drop everything and come if I got sick. We’re not that close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still struggling to understand why OP thinks she can opine on how someone else uses their time. This isn't OP's mother, it's not OP's sister. This is her DH's family and he has an issue with how things are done in his family of origin, it's up to him to address it.

Because I’m involved in this. We ere asked to come. I sent DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

Why does she need a break?

SIL is OK. She’s not on her death bed.
She just needs rides to the hospital and back and gets tired after procedures. Between that she still works and does stuff.

If your SIL doesn't need that much care, then she doesn't need anyone staying with her for weeks at a time. She can uber back and forth to the hospital and order in food when she's tired.

Exactly.

OP here. The situation is bizarre.

SIL with cancer us still working full time out of home. She lives with her 16 year old DD. He ex also lives with them, so he could have driven her.

The whole thing was orchestrated by another SIL who decided that everyone should show up to show support. So she sent out a sign up “which day do you want to come?”

DH drove 4 hours there, drove his sister for a procedure, sat in the hospital for several hours trying to work and do meetings and then drove her back home and drove 4 hours home. All while she could have driven herself or taken an Uber or have her ex drive her.

Is it not odd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me

I would drop everything I had going on in my life, work out a home schedule, pack my bags for the long haul and go take care of my SIL even though she doesn't like me. I would be with her until the end meaning whichever way it goes. Nothing, absolutely nothing could stop me from taking care of her.

There comes a time in life, for some many times, where you need to be the one to step up. Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Imagine no one caring about you. This should not be a hard decision. If you can't be there at least make sure some burdens are lifted. You do what you can. No one should suffer alone.

Same. Even if it was a fiftieth cousin ninety-nine times removed. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't help. I don't see why OP is getting so upset about the small asks like driving her to appointments and such. I think it is horrible to expect someone who just had chemo or radiation to take a taxi home. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

Why does she need a break?

SIL is OK. She’s not on her death bed.
She just needs rides to the hospital and back and gets tired after procedures. Between that she still works and does stuff.

If your SIL doesn't need that much care, then she doesn't need anyone staying with her for weeks at a time. She can uber back and forth to the hospital and order in food when she's tired.

Exactly.

OP here. The situation is bizarre.

SIL with cancer us still working full time out of home. She lives with her 16 year old DD. He ex also lives with them, so he could have driven her.

The whole thing was orchestrated by another SIL who decided that everyone should show up to show support. So she sent out a sign up “which day do you want to come?”

DH drove 4 hours there, drove his sister for a procedure, sat in the hospital for several hours trying to work and do meetings and then drove her back home and drove 4 hours home. All while she could have driven herself or taken an Uber or have her ex drive her.

Is it not odd?

No, your DH did exactly what I would expect my husband to do for his siblings if he had any. And because he doesn't, it is exactly what he will do for my siblings and their spouses as well as my parents. I find your response shockingly odd and extremely disheartening.

You really think your SIL should Uber home after having a cancer procedure? That's sick.

[Anonymous]

Leave it to your DH to decide. You are watching the kids and that’s why you can’t be involved (and shouldn’t be). That’s your excuse if they want to drag you in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is me

I would drop everything I had going on in my life, work out a home schedule, pack my bags for the long haul and go take care of my SIL even though she doesn't like me. I would be with her until the end meaning whichever way it goes. Nothing, absolutely nothing could stop me from taking care of her.

There comes a time in life, for some many times, where you need to be the one to step up. Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Imagine no one caring about you. This should not be a hard decision. If you can't be there at least make sure some burdens are lifted. You do what you can. No one should suffer alone.

Same. Even if it was a fiftieth cousin ninety-nine times removed. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't help. I don't see why OP is getting so upset about the small asks like driving her to appointments and such. I think it is horrible to expect someone who just had chemo or radiation to take a taxi home. Yikes.

A small ask? To ask someone drive from another state to go to one of dozens of medical procedures?

So you’re saying if your SIL in another state gets sick you will quit your job, ditch your kids and stay with her for months or years of support?

I’m sensing bs.

[Anonymous]

How old is your MIL? She may not be physically capable of helping that much.