Why doesn’t MIL help SIL who has cancer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is me

I would drop everything I had going on in my life, work out a home schedule, pack my bags for the long haul and go take care of my SIL even though she doesn't like me. I would be with her until the end meaning whichever way it goes. Nothing, absolutely nothing could stop me from taking care of her.

There comes a time in life, for some many times, where you need to be the one to step up. Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Imagine no one caring about you. This should not be a hard decision. If you can't be there at least make sure some burdens are lifted. You do what you can. No one should suffer alone.

Same. Even if it was a fiftieth cousin ninety-nine times removed. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't help. I don't see why OP is getting so upset about the small asks like driving her to appointments and such. I think it is horrible to expect someone who just had chemo or radiation to take a taxi home. Yikes.

A small ask? To ask someone drive from another state to go to one of dozens of medical procedures?

So you’re saying if your SIL in another state gets sick you will quit your job, ditch your kids and stay with her for months or years of support?

I’m sensing bs.

Now you're making stuff up. Where did I say "quit my job"??? But taking one day every week or every two weeks to drive four hours and help out a sick inlaw? That is something I would do easily and without any concern or regret for months or years. Jeez, some of you really sound depraved that you think this is such an imposition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices, she is a huge COVID risk to your older MIL, yes?

Good point. An old person is not a good person to help someone with cancer right now due to covid risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your MIL? She may not be physically capable of helping that much.

This is a very good point. Or she may not be able to go near a hospital with all the virus stuff happening right now. None of my parents or inlaws have seen their doctors F2F since January or February. Their doctors have actually TOLD them to only come to the hospital if it is an emergency and to avoid the hospital for things like PT or well-patient visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, your DH did exactly what I would expect my husband to do for his siblings if he had any. And because he doesn't, it is exactly what he will do for my siblings and their spouses as well as my parents. I find your response shockingly odd and extremely disheartening.

You really think your SIL should Uber home after having a cancer procedure? That's sick.

I’m more pragmatic I guess. Cancer can take years and months of treatment so I wouldn’t waste people’s time and resources on unnecessary things and save their good will for the time when it’s really needed.

I find it very selfish of disrupting others’ lives when there will absolutely be a time of need in the future. It just hasn’t happened yet.

And still, why can’t MIL drive to appointments? She has all the time in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your MIL? She may not be physically capable of helping that much.

“That much?” To drive her to hospital and back? MIL is 80 but she drives around town every day.

[Anonymous]

Cancer is not a death sentence for everyone. Op, *you say* she needs help -- how do you know? Do you know SIL wants all this companionship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now you're making stuff up. Where did I say "quit my job"??? But taking one day every week or every two weeks to drive four hours and help out a sick inlaw? That is something I would do easily and without any concern or regret for months or years. Jeez, some of you really sound depraved that you think this is such an imposition.

4 hours one way on your workdays. You would do it every week, really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now you're making stuff up. Where did I say "quit my job"??? But taking one day every week or every two weeks to drive four hours and help out a sick inlaw? That is something I would do easily and without any concern or regret for months or years. Jeez, some of you really sound depraved that you think this is such an imposition.

4 hours one way on your workdays. You would do it every week, really?

Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices, she is a huge COVID risk to your older MIL, yes?

Good point. An old person is not a good person to help someone with cancer right now due to covid risk.

But DH is fine to risk getting Covid. He’s only in late 50s. With a family who depends on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now you're making stuff up. Where did I say "quit my job"??? But taking one day every week or every two weeks to drive four hours and help out a sick inlaw? That is something I would do easily and without any concern or regret for months or years. Jeez, some of you really sound depraved that you think this is such an imposition.

4 hours one way on your workdays. You would do it every week, really?

Absolutely.

Do you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No, your DH did exactly what I would expect my husband to do for his siblings if he had any. And because he doesn't, it is exactly what he will do for my siblings and their spouses as well as my parents. I find your response shockingly odd and extremely disheartening.

You really think your SIL should Uber home after having a cancer procedure? That's sick.

I’m more pragmatic I guess. Cancer can take years and months of treatment so I wouldn’t waste people’s time and resources on unnecessary things and save their good will for the time when it’s really needed.

I find it very selfish of disrupting others’ lives when there will absolutely be a time of need in the future. It just hasn’t happened yet.

And still, why can’t MIL drive to appointments? She has all the time in the world.

Let me get this straight... If she had a disease with a shorter duration, you would help? But because she has a disease that has a long duration, you won't help? That's even sicker than the first time I responded to you. I am sooooooooo blessed that I don't know you. I feel very sorry for your SIL on many levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancer is not a death sentence for everyone. Op, *you say* she needs help -- how do you know? Do you know SIL wants all this companionship?

That’s the thing. She doesn’t need help as it turns out.
But another SIL decided that every family should show support and visit. So her house has been like a revolving door. I don’t know how she feels about that. Like, I said, she works full time and does activities with he daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now you're making stuff up. Where did I say "quit my job"??? But taking one day every week or every two weeks to drive four hours and help out a sick inlaw? That is something I would do easily and without any concern or regret for months or years. Jeez, some of you really sound depraved that you think this is such an imposition.

4 hours one way on your workdays. You would do it every week, really?

Absolutely.

Do you work?

Yes, and I have 7 children, and we have 3 elderly family members living with us. I guess some of us are just more capable than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Let me get this straight... If she had a disease with a shorter duration, you would help? But because she has a disease that has a long duration, you won't help? That's even sicker than the first time I responded to you. I am sooooooooo blessed that I don't know you. I feel very sorry for your SIL on many levels.

I would help if a person really needed help. If you ask me to be an Uber you’re wasting my time and resources.
It’s stupid to ask people to drive from another state to take someone to a procedure. Stupid and wasteful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

Why does she need a break?

SIL is OK. She’s not on her death bed.
She just needs rides to the hospital and back and gets tired after procedures. Between that she still works and does stuff.

If your SIL doesn't need that much care, then she doesn't need anyone staying with her for weeks at a time. She can uber back and forth to the hospital and order in food when she's tired.

Exactly.

OP here. The situation is bizarre.

SIL with cancer us still working full time out of home. She lives with her 16 year old DD. He ex also lives with them, so he could have driven her.

The whole thing was orchestrated by another SIL who decided that everyone should show up to show support. So she sent out a sign up “which day do you want to come?”

DH drove 4 hours there, drove his sister for a procedure, sat in the hospital for several hours trying to work and do meetings and then drove her back home and drove 4 hours home. All while she could have driven herself or taken an Uber or have her ex drive her.

Is it not odd?

Your issue is with your other SIL demanding care, not your MIL. You don't think your SIL with cancer needs that much hand-holding, which sounds accurate. So I don't understand why you're upset with your MIL. Maybe MIL helped out for a week and realized her daughter didn't need that much help. Sounds like MIL is drawing boundaries.