Why doesn’t MIL help SIL who has cancer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, and I have 7 children, and we have 3 elderly family members living with us. I guess some of us are just more capable than others.

You work and have 7 children? what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Your issue is with your other SIL demanding care, not your MIL. You don't think your SIL with cancer needs that much hand-holding, which sounds accurate. So I don't understand why you're upset with your MIL. Maybe MIL helped out for a week and realized her daughter didn't need that much help. Sounds like MIL is drawing boundaries.

You are right. It’s the other SIL that’s pushing boundaries. Maybe MIL already figured help is not needed just like we figured it after the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now you're making stuff up. Where did I say "quit my job"??? But taking one day every week or every two weeks to drive four hours and help out a sick inlaw? That is something I would do easily and without any concern or regret for months or years. Jeez, some of you really sound depraved that you think this is such an imposition.

4 hours one way on your workdays. You would do it every week, really?

Absolutely.

Do you work?

Yes, and I have 7 children, and we have 3 elderly family members living with us. I guess some of us are just more capable than others.

And more sanctimonious than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Your issue is with your other SIL demanding care, not your MIL. You don't think your SIL with cancer needs that much hand-holding, which sounds accurate. So I don't understand why you're upset with your MIL. Maybe MIL helped out for a week and realized her daughter didn't need that much help. Sounds like MIL is drawing boundaries.

You are right. It’s the other SIL that’s pushing boundaries. Maybe MIL already figured help is not needed just like we figured it after the visit.

Sorry, that’s difficult to navigate. We have encountered that dynamic in my family as well.

[Anonymous]

Some people arent great caregivers. Perhaps she we t a d realized that. Also its hard to see you baby go through some3like thst no matter how old they are. Stop judging, help if you want to otherwise be quiet about it.

[Anonymous]

How old is MIL? It may be expecting too much to dump all the care on her, especially as she is likely fearful she may lose her daughter. The family taking turns is reasonable - you are indeed failing to step up to help your husband with plans to take turns. You all are part of the family, you should make it a priority to show up to help when there is a need. Could be you or your husband next turn. Sounds Ike you just want an elderly mom to have to handle everything so you are not disturbed.

[Anonymous]

Please, pick up the phone and speak to sick SIL. What kind of help does she need right now? Is she able to drive? Does the 16 year old child or Ex DH help out at all? Maybe she doesn’t need people sitting around looking at her? The other SIL seems to be taking charge— is that typical of her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is MIL? It may be expecting too much to dump all the care on her, especially as she is likely fearful she may lose her daughter. The family taking turns is reasonable - you are indeed failing to step up to help your husband with plans to take turns. You all are part of the family, you should make it a priority to show up to help when there is a need. Could be you or your husband next turn. Sounds Ike you just want an elderly mom to have to handle everything so you are not disturbed.

She said in a previous post that MIL is 80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is MIL? It may be expecting too much to dump all the care on her, especially as she is likely fearful she may lose her daughter. The family taking turns is reasonable - you are indeed failing to step up to help your husband with plans to take turns. You all are part of the family, you should make it a priority to show up to help when there is a need. Could be you or your husband next turn. Sounds Ike you just want an elderly mom to have to handle everything so you are not disturbed.

SIL is a grown woman who is not bed ridden.
She works full time and does activities with her teenage daughter.

It looks like she doesn’t really need help. It was all orchestrated by another SIL to show support. Which is still stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Let me get this straight... If she had a disease with a shorter duration, you would help? But because she has a disease that has a long duration, you won't help? That's even sicker than the first time I responded to you. I am sooooooooo blessed that I don't know you. I feel very sorry for your SIL on many levels.

I would help if a person really needed help. If you ask me to be an Uber you’re wasting my time and resources.
It’s stupid to ask people to drive from another state to take someone to a procedure. Stupid and wasteful.

Wait. "Procedure"? She means chemo. You want someone who just had chemo to get into an Uber to get home? That is pretty cold. Jeez you suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is MIL? It may be expecting too much to dump all the care on her, especially as she is likely fearful she may lose her daughter. The family taking turns is reasonable - you are indeed failing to step up to help your husband with plans to take turns. You all are part of the family, you should make it a priority to show up to help when there is a need. Could be you or your husband next turn. Sounds Ike you just want an elderly mom to have to handle everything so you are not disturbed.

SIL is a grown woman who is not bed ridden.
She works full time and does activities with her teenage daughter.

It looks like she doesn’t really need help. It was all orchestrated by another SIL to show support. Which is still stupid.

OP, if you’ve never asked this sick SIL for anything in the past like childcare, then I would agree you have no obligation to help. She’s a sibling, not a parent so I get your resentment that DH is being compelled to be her driver etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

Why does she need a break?

SIL is OK. She’s not on her death bed.
She just needs rides to the hospital and back and gets tired after procedures. Between that she still works and does stuff.

If your SIL doesn't need that much care, then she doesn't need anyone staying with her for weeks at a time. She can uber back and forth to the hospital and order in food when she's tired.

Exactly.

OP here. The situation is bizarre.

SIL with cancer us still working full time out of home. She lives with her 16 year old DD. He ex also lives with them, so he could have driven her.

The whole thing was orchestrated by another SIL who decided that everyone should show up to show support. So she sent out a sign up “which day do you want to come?”

DH drove 4 hours there, drove his sister for a procedure, sat in the hospital for several hours trying to work and do meetings and then drove her back home and drove 4 hours home. All while she could have driven herself or taken an Uber or have her ex drive her.

Is it not odd?

So why would the MIL need to move in with the SIL (and her daughter, and her ex) if the ex could drive her?

Maybe MIL didn't move in because SIL doesn't actually need someone to move in, and the other SIL just took it upon herself to organize an unnecessary schedule?

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP. MIL should help her.

Is SIL not married? Why can't her sons help more? Especially if they're adults.

We had this issue arise. Everyone needed to go help and stay for a week... but this relative drove us all out. She didn't have cable or internet and refused to turn the AC on (when it's 90+). We were already paying all of her bills and she still wouldn't allow any of it. It just meant that none of her children could telework, but no one had a lot of leave. DH and I went for a week. She went to bed at 6pm and you weren't allowed to turn the TV on (it only played DVDs, not even local news) afterwards. We cleaned and cleaned and repaired things, but it was hard in the heat. Sometimes it just isn't easy to help people and I think people get more stubborn the older they get.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband is a cancer survivor, and we received NO help (as in none at all, not once, not even sitting with him during a single chemo session or visiting him in the hospital) from his family, including his sister who lived in DC at the time. His mom, who was retired but still fairly young, did not even offer to help. A number of friends just... stopped calling and never came back.

I do not forgive these people and never will, but what I have realized is that some people get scared and frozen in the face of bad news, and are completely unequipped to help out. They just disappear. Sounds like this might be what is going on with the MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Let me get this straight... If she had a disease with a shorter duration, you would help? But because she has a disease that has a long duration, you won't help? That's even sicker than the first time I responded to you. I am sooooooooo blessed that I don't know you. I feel very sorry for your SIL on many levels.

I would help if a person really needed help. If you ask me to be an Uber you’re wasting my time and resources.
It’s stupid to ask people to drive from another state to take someone to a procedure. Stupid and wasteful.

Wait. "Procedure"? She means chemo. You want someone who just had chemo to get into an Uber to get home? That is pretty cold. Jeez you suck.

So if you have to go to chemo you will summon your out of state relatives to go with you?
Because this is something I would not do.