Why doesn’t MIL help SIL who has cancer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shame on you. Why don't YOU go help her. It's none of your business -you don't know the dynamics of their relationship! Maybe the cancer relative ASKED MIL not to come back. Maybe MIL is allergic to something in her house. Maybe five thousand other reasons.

She’s not allergic to anything.
What are the reasons not to help your own child if you have nothing else to do with your time?

I can’t go because one of us has to stay at home and watch the kids.

DP. You and your husband need to take separate shifts to help her. That's what families do. It doesn't matter to me if I'm related by blood or not to the person. If they are part of the family then I'm there regardless. Same for my husband. Instead of trash-talking your MIL you need to trash-talk yourself for not pitching in.

Can you read?

I can’t go now because DH is traveling and one of us has to watch the kids.

Also, I’m in the midst of switching jobs.. and pandemic. So let me drop everything and pitch in while MIL sits on the couch in front of TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shame on you. Why don't YOU go help her. It's none of your business -you don't know the dynamics of their relationship! Maybe the cancer relative ASKED MIL not to come back. Maybe MIL is allergic to something in her house. Maybe five thousand other reasons.

She’s not allergic to anything.
What are the reasons not to help your own child if you have nothing else to do with your time?

I can’t go because one of us has to stay at home and watch the kids.

So really, this issue is that you want your MIL to do everything so you can be guilt-free about doing nothing.

The issue is she should be doing most of it because
a) she has no job, no obligations, nothing to do
b) it’s her daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume your husband has asked his mother about this?
At least one SIL is on the ball, thank goodness.

No, he hasn’t asked.

So... why not start there, instead of venting on DCUM?

He’s not going to ask. It’s awkward for him.

[Anonymous]

If your DH can’t ask his mom what the deal is, that kind of tells you the whole story, doesn’t it? She is not a helpful person.

[Anonymous]

OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

Why does she need a break?

SIL is OK. She’s not on her death bed.
She just needs rides to the hospital and back and gets tired after procedures. Between that she still works and does stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

One week. She went there for just one week.

[Anonymous]

If SIL is in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices, she is a huge COVID risk to your older MIL, yes?

[Anonymous]

I think it is the immediate family’s responsibility to help (not take over) when a family member is ill. If the spouse of the family member wants to help, that’s wonderful and I am sure will be appreciated. To the OP, what is your DH doing to help?

This scenario is especially important with sick parents. The men do not get a pass because they don’t “ do” bodily functions.

[Anonymous]

Probably because she doesn’t want to. You don’t owe anyone anything. My mom is pretty selfish most of the time, but I know if one of her kids really needed her (like in this scenario) she would drop everything at a moment’s notice and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just say no. They can’t force you to help (although they’ll be entitled to their own feelings about it).

Realistically, even if your MIL went there to help, she’d need other people to give her a break once in a while because caregiver fatigue is very real. So even if she moved there, there would still be a schedule for others to help out too.

Why does she need a break?

SIL is OK. She’s not on her death bed.
She just needs rides to the hospital and back and gets tired after procedures. Between that she still works and does stuff.

This statement makes me think you have no idea what really caregiving entails. It’s exhausting and depressing and hard. And you sound fully unappreciative of the effort she has already made, which was likely exhausting for her because she’s old and stuff like being out of your own space is hard on older people, in addition to the caretaking element. If you can’t help, don’t. But don’t volunteer other people’s time or judge them for giving only what they think they can. Which is exactly what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices, she is a huge COVID risk to your older MIL, yes?

Hello, OP? Has this even crossed your mind?

[Anonymous]

Does SIL want MIL there to help? Maybe MIL drives SIL around the bend, and having MIL there full time might be more stressful than helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices, she is a huge COVID risk to your older MIL, yes?

Hello, OP? Has this even crossed your mind?

Nah, MIL trots around town and even goes to her huge church service so Covid is not very concerning to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is in and out of hospitals and doctor's offices, she is a huge COVID risk to your older MIL, yes?

Hello, OP? Has this even crossed your mind?

Nah, MIL trots around town and even goes to her huge church service so Covid is not very concerning to her.

Hmm. And what state does she allegedly live in?