Why doesn’t MIL help SIL who has cancer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you OP. MIL should help her.

Is SIL not married? Why can't her sons help more? Especially if they're adults.

She is divorced, but living with her ex and daughter. She has two adult sons. One is young adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband is a cancer survivor, and we received NO help (as in none at all, not once, not even sitting with him during a single chemo session or visiting him in the hospital) from his family, including his sister who lived in DC at the time. His mom, who was retired but still fairly young, did not even offer to help. A number of friends just... stopped calling and never came back.

I do not forgive these people and never will, but what I have realized is that some people get scared and frozen in the face of bad news, and are completely unequipped to help out. They just disappear. Sounds like this might be what is going on with the MIL.

As a wife, I wouldn’t expect other people to help my husband? It’s my obligation and mine alone. Why would he need other people to sit with him when I should be the one doing that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you OP. MIL should help her.

Is SIL not married? Why can't her sons help more? Especially if they're adults.

She is divorced, but living with her ex and daughter. She has two adult sons. One is young adult.

A son is a son until he gets a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is MIL? It may be expecting too much to dump all the care on her, especially as she is likely fearful she may lose her daughter. The family taking turns is reasonable - you are indeed failing to step up to help your husband with plans to take turns. You all are part of the family, you should make it a priority to show up to help when there is a need. Could be you or your husband next turn. Sounds Ike you just want an elderly mom to have to handle everything so you are not disturbed.

SIL is a grown woman who is not bed ridden.
She works full time and does activities with her teenage daughter.

It looks like she doesn’t really need help. It was all orchestrated by another SIL to show support. Which is still stupid.

OP, if you’ve never asked this sick SIL for anything in the past like childcare, then I would agree you have no obligation to help. She’s a sibling, not a parent so I get your resentment that DH is being compelled to be her driver etc.

DH is NOT being "compelled" to "be her driver." He is an adult, he can say no. That said, it's really sad how little sense of family some people have. You have no obligation to help siblings? All these people talking in other threads about how important it is to "give your child a sibling" and it turns out that many people don't care about their siblings at all. If your sister has cancer, you don't think you'll feel like you should help out in any way?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you butt out? It's not your sister (and you obviously don't care much about her). And you haven't had to go. So shut up and stop being so judgmental. Honestly, you sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is MIL? It may be expecting too much to dump all the care on her, especially as she is likely fearful she may lose her daughter. The family taking turns is reasonable - you are indeed failing to step up to help your husband with plans to take turns. You all are part of the family, you should make it a priority to show up to help when there is a need. Could be you or your husband next turn. Sounds Ike you just want an elderly mom to have to handle everything so you are not disturbed.

SIL is a grown woman who is not bed ridden.
She works full time and does activities with her teenage daughter.

It looks like she doesn’t really need help. It was all orchestrated by another SIL to show support. Which is still stupid.

OP, if you’ve never asked this sick SIL for anything in the past like childcare, then I would agree you have no obligation to help. She’s a sibling, not a parent so I get your resentment that DH is being compelled to be her driver etc.

DH is NOT being "compelled" to "be her driver." He is an adult, he can say no. That said, it's really sad how little sense of family some people have. You have no obligation to help siblings? All these people talking in other threads about how important it is to "give your child a sibling" and it turns out that many people don't care about their siblings at all. If your sister has cancer, you don't think you'll feel like you should help out in any way?

I didn’t choose to have siblings so I wouldn’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH is NOT being "compelled" to "be her driver." He is an adult, he can say no. That said, it's really sad how little sense of family some people have. You have no obligation to help siblings? All these people talking in other threads about how important it is to "give your child a sibling" and it turns out that many people don't care about their siblings at all. If your sister has cancer, you don't think you'll feel like you should help out in any way?

I do want to help. When she actually needs help and no for some stupid show off.
Now she can take an Uber, but if cancer progresses she will need actual help.

And why should everyone’s life get disrupted if MIL is free and available to help?
It’s not about actual help, is it? It’s about some superficial display to show that you care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you butt out? It's not your sister (and you obviously don't care much about her). And you haven't had to go. So shut up and stop being so judgmental. Honestly, you sound awful.

+100. You sound so horrid and your responses just affirm that. Get out of their business. If your husband wants to be a dock to his family, let him. If he wants to help, let him. And please do some self reflection.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a real B. Your MIL already went for a week and will probably go back. Just move in for a month? YOU move in for a month. But then you say she’s not that sick to being with. If she’s not that sick, why are you mad at your MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH is NOT being "compelled" to "be her driver." He is an adult, he can say no. That said, it's really sad how little sense of family some people have. You have no obligation to help siblings? All these people talking in other threads about how important it is to "give your child a sibling" and it turns out that many people don't care about their siblings at all. If your sister has cancer, you don't think you'll feel like you should help out in any way?

I do want to help. When she actually needs help and no for some stupid show off.
Now she can take an Uber, but if cancer progresses she will need actual help.

And why should everyone’s life get disrupted if MIL is free and available to help?
It’s not about actual help, is it? It’s about some superficial display to show that you care.

Are you kidding me with the Uber? You really think someone who just got a chemo treatment should take an Uber home? That is one of the most heartless things I've heard in a long time. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband is a cancer survivor, and we received NO help (as in none at all, not once, not even sitting with him during a single chemo session or visiting him in the hospital) from his family, including his sister who lived in DC at the time. His mom, who was retired but still fairly young, did not even offer to help. A number of friends just... stopped calling and never came back.

I do not forgive these people and never will, but what I have realized is that some people get scared and frozen in the face of bad news, and are completely unequipped to help out. They just disappear. Sounds like this might be what is going on with the MIL.

I am so sorry you and your husband went through his cancer on your own. I would not be able to forgive and forget, either.

I cannot believe some of the responses that OP is getting her validating her callous disregard for a family member in need. It is sick. And the person going on and on about how the SIL should take an Uber after getting chemo... I try not to wish bad things on people but her continual posting about it is really challenging me in this regard.

It is funny. I posted elsewhere on this thread and the content of my post stood out to a friend. When we were talking about it today she said that (hypothetically) if one of our friends was going through the same challenge, needing to travel one day a week to help the sick family member, that the rest of us would probably not only do a food train to cover that one night when she would be gone but also cook foods for her to take and put in her SIL's freezer. That's how members of a community act when one member of the community needs help and support.

[Anonymous]

My mother hates me. No reason, always has. She claims I was a colicky baby, she has hated me as far back as I can remember. I have absolutely been in desperate need of her help and she's able and has means but never helps me. Helps my siblings, definitely. Fortunately I have several Aunts that I am close with so the mother wound doesn't sting as bad.

Help SIL as much as you can. Don't expect MIL to help at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a real B. Your MIL already went for a week and will probably go back. Just move in for a month? YOU move in for a month. But then you say she’s not that sick to being with. If she’s not that sick, why are you mad at your MIL?

Maybe since chemo and radiation involves in our if a medical center or hospital and MIL is old, she’s worried about COVID. Also, does MIL have to fly there? If she’s in her 70s is it a long drive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I cannot believe some of the responses that OP is getting her validating her callous disregard for a family member in need. It is sick. And the person going on and on about how the SIL should take an Uber after getting chemo... I try not to wish bad things on people but her continual posting about it is really challenging me in this regard.

It is funny. I posted elsewhere on this thread and the content of my post stood out to a friend. When we were talking about it today she said that (hypothetically) if one of our friends was going through the same challenge, needing to travel one day a week to help the sick family member, that the rest of us would probably not only do a food train to cover that one night when she would be gone but also cook foods for her to take and put in her SIL's freezer. That's how members of a community act when one member of the community needs help and support.

Food train? Are you going to cover one day a week at their office? Pay their mortgage after they lose their job?

If you seriously think people out of state should be summoned to go with you to every chemo, you’re nuts.

You sound like a SAM who has nothing to do with her life. Other than food trains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH is NOT being "compelled" to "be her driver." He is an adult, he can say no. That said, it's really sad how little sense of family some people have. You have no obligation to help siblings? All these people talking in other threads about how important it is to "give your child a sibling" and it turns out that many people don't care about their siblings at all. If your sister has cancer, you don't think you'll feel like you should help out in any way?

I do want to help. When she actually needs help and no for some stupid show off.
Now she can take an Uber, but if cancer progresses she will need actual help.

And why should everyone’s life get disrupted if MIL is free and available to help?
It’s not about actual help, is it? It’s about some superficial display to show that you care.

Wouldn’t MIL’s life be disrupted too?