Why doesn’t MIL help SIL who has cancer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH is NOT being "compelled" to "be her driver." He is an adult, he can say no. That said, it's really sad how little sense of family some people have. You have no obligation to help siblings? All these people talking in other threads about how important it is to "give your child a sibling" and it turns out that many people don't care about their siblings at all. If your sister has cancer, you don't think you'll feel like you should help out in any way?

I do want to help. When she actually needs help and no for some stupid show off.
Now she can take an Uber, but if cancer progresses she will need actual help.

And why should everyone’s life get disrupted if MIL is free and available to help?
It’s not about actual help, is it? It’s about some superficial display to show that you care.

So offer to help the way you can and let that be enough. For instance, you could plan that once a month your DH will drive to her on a weekend (perhaps staying overnight if that makes sense) to bring a bunch of freezer meals and help her with any errands or household tasks she needs.

[Anonymous]

Why are any of you helping? Cancer patients should not be exposed to outside germs. She's not young, doesn't need help with kids. Just buy meals and cleaning services to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are any of you helping? Cancer patients should not be exposed to outside germs. She's not young, doesn't need help with kids. Just buy meals and cleaning services to help.

This. Everyone is risking getting Covid. If you are close and really want to help in person, then do it. There should be no pressure or guilt trips for those who prefer to help in their own way. Stop trying to control everyone else and worry about you and how you can help. I personally would be sending meals, offering to pay for a housekeeper and doing FaceTime support, but I am not willing to risk my own death and leaving my own kids motherless or risk killing my husband. So selfish of me I know I have been through my own illnesses and never expected people to move mountains before Covid. I accepted people did what they could handle and was grateful for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I cannot believe some of the responses that OP is getting her validating her callous disregard for a family member in need. It is sick. And the person going on and on about how the SIL should take an Uber after getting chemo... I try not to wish bad things on people but her continual posting about it is really challenging me in this regard.

It is funny. I posted elsewhere on this thread and the content of my post stood out to a friend. When we were talking about it today she said that (hypothetically) if one of our friends was going through the same challenge, needing to travel one day a week to help the sick family member, that the rest of us would probably not only do a food train to cover that one night when she would be gone but also cook foods for her to take and put in her SIL's freezer. That's how members of a community act when one member of the community needs help and support.

Food train? Are you going to cover one day a week at their office? Pay their mortgage after they lose their job?

If you seriously think people out of state should be summoned to go with you to every chemo, you’re nuts.

You sound like a SAM who has nothing to do with her life. Other than food trains.

I don't know what your problem is PP but count me in as a person who definitely would take FMLA one day a week to take a sick relative to chemo. And I definitely would do a food train to help the SIL so that she had some yummy meals in her freezer that she could use whenever she needed. And I definitely would contribute money or even pay her mortgage if the SIL lost her job because of her cancer.

Here's the kicker, I would even do these things for you if you had cancer and were going through chemo, and I'm being honest when I say that I have an extremely negative opinion of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't know what your problem is PP but count me in as a person who definitely would take FMLA one day a week to take a sick relative to chemo. And I definitely would do a food train to help the SIL so that she had some yummy meals in her freezer that she could use whenever she needed. And I definitely would contribute money or even pay her mortgage if the SIL lost her job because of her cancer.

Here's the kicker, I would even do these things for you if you had cancer and were going through chemo, and I'm being honest when I say that I have an extremely negative opinion of you.

You realize that cancer can last for years, right?

So are you actually willing to put your career on back burner and take personal leave once a week for months at a time?
And pay her mortgage?

I honestly don’t see any SILs doing it for me.
I see maybe doing this for my own sister, but not SIL.

And again, MIL has all the time in the world to cook meals every day and drive her around, so why is her mother not stepping up? But some distant relatives should?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I cannot believe some of the responses that OP is getting her validating her callous disregard for a family member in need. It is sick. And the person going on and on about how the SIL should take an Uber after getting chemo... I try not to wish bad things on people but her continual posting about it is really challenging me in this regard.

It is funny. I posted elsewhere on this thread and the content of my post stood out to a friend. When we were talking about it today she said that (hypothetically) if one of our friends was going through the same challenge, needing to travel one day a week to help the sick family member, that the rest of us would probably not only do a food train to cover that one night when she would be gone but also cook foods for her to take and put in her SIL's freezer. That's how members of a community act when one member of the community needs help and support.

Food train? Are you going to cover one day a week at their office? Pay their mortgage after they lose their job?

If you seriously think people out of state should be summoned to go with you to every chemo, you’re nuts.

You sound like a SAM who has nothing to do with her life. Other than food trains.

I don't know what your problem is PP but count me in as a person who definitely would take FMLA one day a week to take a sick relative to chemo. And I definitely would do a food train to help the SIL so that she had some yummy meals in her freezer that she could use whenever she needed. And I definitely would contribute money or even pay her mortgage if the SIL lost her job because of her cancer.

Here's the kicker, I would even do these things for you if you had cancer and were going through chemo, and I'm being honest when I say that I have an extremely negative opinion of you.

I have news for you. You would likely7 get fired. Employers rarely are willing to put up with this unless it your spouse or parent and even so, too often they look for an excuse to fire you that makes them look good and that won't hold up if you claim discriminiation based on taking family leave. It must feel great to boast about what a saint you would be in a hypothetical situation. The most impressive people are those who do kind things without guilt tripping others and without bragging. Modesty and humility are beautiful traits. Judgement I believe is only the place of God. You and OP need to think about it. Do your part and let go of controlling others.