People thinking I am “not divorced enough”...

[Anonymous]

If you have anger over infidelity you need to get some professional counseling before getting into the dating world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been divorced for over a year, and was separated for two years before that. I am completely “over” my ex and ready to start dating. I am looking for an LTR with the right person (also in their 50s).

I’ve been getting quizzed a lot about “where I am” and “what I’m looking for”. A lot of times when I’ve been chatting for a while and things seem to be going well, the temperature drops sharply when I say I’ve been divorced for “only” a year. I get it, they want to make sure I’m not still entangled with my ex. But what am I supposed to do, have a bunch of short-term flings before “they” decide I’m ready for an LTR? Am I only going to get dates with other “not divorced long enough” people?

Perhaps stop using the word "only". Also, instead of stating you've been divorced for a year say you've been divorced for three years. It is common to include the years of separation. Three sounds much longer than one. And...don't use "only".

Do not lie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been divorced for over a year, and was separated for two years before that. I am completely “over” my ex and ready to start dating. I am looking for an LTR with the right person (also in their 50s).

I’ve been getting quizzed a lot about “where I am” and “what I’m looking for”. A lot of times when I’ve been chatting for a while and things seem to be going well, the temperature drops sharply when I say I’ve been divorced for “only” a year. I get it, they want to make sure I’m not still entangled with my ex. But what am I supposed to do, have a bunch of short-term flings before “they” decide I’m ready for an LTR? Am I only going to get dates with other “not divorced long enough” people?

Understand with on line dating there is very low barriers to entry. Married today. Divorced tomorrow. Dating profile day after tomorrow.

The same holds true with boyfriends and girlfriends. Many people get back with former boyfriends and girlfriends after you've invested 6 months or so in the relationship.

Do not waste your time "chatting for awhile". You have three texts back and forth. If guy does not ask you out for coffee after 3 texts move on. Don't waste your time chatting indefinitely with some random dude.

[Anonymous]

Also area you saying you are looking for a LTR? In these texts?

Way too much pressure.

Dating is about meeting a lot of people.

The right guy will want to be in a LTR with you.

Dating should be low pressure.

Saying right up front that you want a LTR should be avoided. It adds a lot of pressure before you have even met the guy.

Throwing out all of these requirements during these lengthy texting sessions will screen you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

Ha, my marriage actually ended in a December 2015, but I sure don’t want to get into that right away.

Other PP, I put “only” in quotes because other people seem to think one year isn’t long enough.

As someone who is divorced and dates divorced people - the fact that you have an exact date things ended (sounds like there was an incident?) and that you “don’t want to get into it” would be a red flag for me. That indicates you’re not totally over it. Do you tell them anything else about your divorce?

Do I really have to tell someone in the initial text chats that I found out about infidelity in December 2015? That would make it seem like I’m still in a rage about it, and really, I’m not. All I think I need to say about the divorce initially is, yes I am legally divorced, and we are amicable 50/50 coparents who don’t talk about anything other than kid logistics.

You should be willing to be very transparent about the dates of separation, divorce, and when you started living in different places. I ask those direct questions before meeting divorced guys. If a guy was evasive I’d not go out with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been divorced for over a year, and was separated for two years before that. I am completely “over” my ex and ready to start dating. I am looking for an LTR with the right person (also in their 50s).

I’ve been getting quizzed a lot about “where I am” and “what I’m looking for”. A lot of times when I’ve been chatting for a while and things seem to be going well, the temperature drops sharply when I say I’ve been divorced for “only” a year. I get it, they want to make sure I’m not still entangled with my ex. But what am I supposed to do, have a bunch of short-term flings before “they” decide I’m ready for an LTR? Am I only going to get dates with other “not divorced long enough” people?

If asked what you are looking for respond you are looking to get out and meet people.

If asked where you are (DO NOT GIVE CAUSE OF DIVORCE, DO NOT SAY INFIDELITY), respond very simply.

Specifying LTR early on adds way too much pressure. It reads clingly and desperate. The right guy will want to be in a LTR with you.

Dating is meeting a lot of people. Go out. Have a nice evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

Ha, my marriage actually ended in a December 2015, but I sure don’t want to get into that right away.

Other PP, I put “only” in quotes because other people seem to think one year isn’t long enough.

As someone who is divorced and dates divorced people - the fact that you have an exact date things ended (sounds like there was an incident?) and that you “don’t want to get into it” would be a red flag for me. That indicates you’re not totally over it. Do you tell them anything else about your divorce?

Do I really have to tell someone in the initial text chats that I found out about infidelity in December 2015? That would make it seem like I’m still in a rage about it, and really, I’m not. All I think I need to say about the divorce initially is, yes I am legally divorced, and we are amicable 50/50 coparents who don’t talk about anything other than kid logistics.

You should be willing to be very transparent about the dates of separation, divorce, and when you started living in different places. I ask those direct questions before meeting divorced guys. If a guy was evasive I’d not go out with him.

This. It's not really about the length of time, it's about him being forthright about it. To me, "separated" and "marriage ended" means the date you starting living in different homes and stopped having any physical touching. Both of those things. If "separated" or "marriage ended" to you means the date that you decided you want out, but you kept on living with her and having sex for two more years, it will seem like you're disingenuously trying to overstate the length of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

Ha, my marriage actually ended in a December 2015, but I sure don’t want to get into that right away.

Other PP, I put “only” in quotes because other people seem to think one year isn’t long enough.

As someone who is divorced and dates divorced people - the fact that you have an exact date things ended (sounds like there was an incident?) and that you “don’t want to get into it” would be a red flag for me. That indicates you’re not totally over it. Do you tell them anything else about your divorce?

Do I really have to tell someone in the initial text chats that I found out about infidelity in December 2015? That would make it seem like I’m still in a rage about it, and really, I’m not. All I think I need to say about the divorce initially is, yes I am legally divorced, and we are amicable 50/50 coparents who don’t talk about anything other than kid logistics.

No, but the fact that you have kids 50/50 and are looking for a LTR might be off putting to someone who isn't ready to introduce a partner to their children, or who doesn't know if they want to be a step-parent.

It's OK that you don't want a fling, but you might want to move more slowly on looking for a LTR because your kids may not be ready to meet a new partner after the divorce was only final for a year. And, its hard to keep a partner away from your kids for more than 6 months or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these chats online, before you meet in person? If so, that’s the problem. It’s not the divorce. You need to stop chatting online with people you haven’t met. Just exchange 1-3 messages to schedule coffee or a drink (or a 6ft+ park bench meeting) sometime soon and close by. Messaging people before meeting them is a waste of time.

THis. this. this. 1 - 3 messages before meetup. Anything else is a giant waste of time. IF guy does not ask you out after 3 messages move on.

So true

[Anonymous]

Looking for a LTR too soon makes you seem like you aren't doing well on your own and want a wife to manage your household and cook and clean. That's probably what is putting people off.

[Anonymous]

I can't tell if you're male or female. I'm female, and here's what I learned dating post-divorce:

1. If you mention that you're newly divorced in text/app messages/phone/etc, a LOT of people will pass on you.

2. If you wait until an actual date, people don't care. When I stopped blabbing on dating apps and waited until we had actually met, nobody cared even when I was only separated. But, that means you have to be strict about setting up an actual date quickly, rather than texting forever.

Same with kids. Don't mention them beforehand, wait until an actual date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell if you're male or female. I'm female, and here's what I learned dating post-divorce:

1. If you mention that you're newly divorced in text/app messages/phone/etc, a LOT of people will pass on you.

2. If you wait until an actual date, people don't care. When I stopped blabbing on dating apps and waited until we had actually met, nobody cared even when I was only separated. But, that means you have to be strict about setting up an actual date quickly, rather than texting forever.

Same with kids. Don't mention them beforehand, wait until an actual date.

I completely disagree. I am a woman. Early 40s.

1. Everyone I had a first date with could care less that I am recently divorced. (But my marriage was over YEARS ago.)

2. People know I have kids upfront. It would be wrong to hide it before meeting.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the other person and I’d say the barriers will Be lower for a guy ! Some women wanted a piece paper from the court and some listened to my story and could understand there was no way ex could be an issue. I’m glad I didn’t have to wait 3 years !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell if you're male or female. I'm female, and here's what I learned dating post-divorce:

1. If you mention that you're newly divorced in text/app messages/phone/etc, a LOT of people will pass on you.

2. If you wait until an actual date, people don't care. When I stopped blabbing on dating apps and waited until we had actually met, nobody cared even when I was only separated. But, that means you have to be strict about setting up an actual date quickly, rather than texting forever.

Same with kids. Don't mention them beforehand, wait until an actual date.

Oooh, maybe men don’t care about this so much from their end, but as a woman: NEVER date someone who is only (and yes, I say only, sorry) separated. I met so many men online who would list “divorced” on their profile and yet they were not yet divorced and in some cases so very entangled or even still living with their “ex” and had all variety of excuses.

Really, you cannot blame people (male or female, doesn’t matter!) for being wary of anyone’s situation when it involves separation and/or divorce. I bet you there are so many others who have been similarly burned like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell if you're male or female. I'm female, and here's what I learned dating post-divorce:

1. If you mention that you're newly divorced in text/app messages/phone/etc, a LOT of people will pass on you.

2. If you wait until an actual date, people don't care. When I stopped blabbing on dating apps and waited until we had actually met, nobody cared even when I was only separated. But, that means you have to be strict about setting up an actual date quickly, rather than texting forever.

Same with kids. Don't mention them beforehand, wait until an actual date.

Oooh, maybe men don’t care about this so much from their end, but as a woman: NEVER date someone who is only (and yes, I say only, sorry) separated. I met so many men online who would list “divorced” on their profile and yet they were not yet divorced and in some cases so very entangled or even still living with their “ex” and had all variety of excuses.

Really, you cannot blame people (male or female, doesn’t matter!) for being wary of anyone’s situation when it involves separation and/or divorce. I bet you there are so many others who have been similarly burned like me.

And also PP, if you waited until a date to tell a man that you are separated but yet presented yourself as divorced or truly single before meeting up, that’s deceitful and I wouldn’t speak to you again. Maybe they “didn’t care” because they just wanted a fling, but no way am I giving someone a chance who can’t even tell me something that basic before meeting up.

In most of this area there is no legal separation, so if you are not yet divorced you are still married.