People thinking I am “not divorced enough”...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been divorced for over a year, and was separated for two years before that. I am completely “over” my ex and ready to start dating. I am looking for an LTR with the right person (also in their 50s).

I’ve been getting quizzed a lot about “where I am” and “what I’m looking for”. A lot of times when I’ve been chatting for a while and things seem to be going well, the temperature drops sharply when I say I’ve been divorced for “only” a year. I get it, they want to make sure I’m not still entangled with my ex. But what am I supposed to do, have a bunch of short-term flings before “they” decide I’m ready for an LTR? Am I only going to get dates with other “not divorced long enough” people?

Understand with on line dating there is very low barriers to entry. Married today. Divorced tomorrow. Dating profile day after tomorrow.

The same holds true with boyfriends and girlfriends. Many people get back with former boyfriends and girlfriends after you've invested 6 months or so in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say, "We separated in 2015 and our divorce was finalized a year ago."

This is perfect.

It sounds like for OP the marriage died in Dec 2015 but there wasn’t an actual separation until three years ago (2017). I’d say you separated three years ago and the divorce papers were finalized a year ago.

OP here, yes, this is correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these chats online, before you meet in person? If so, that’s the problem. It’s not the divorce. You need to stop chatting online with people you haven’t met. Just exchange 1-3 messages to schedule coffee or a drink (or a 6ft+ park bench meeting) sometime soon and close by. Messaging people before meeting them is a waste of time.

THis. this. this. 1 - 3 messages before meetup. Anything else is a giant waste of time. IF guy does not ask you out after 3 messages move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say, "We separated in 2015 and our divorce was finalized a year ago."

This is perfect.

THis is good. Use this. Don't lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

Ha, my marriage actually ended in a December 2015, but I sure don’t want to get into that right away.

Other PP, I put “only” in quotes because other people seem to think one year isn’t long enough.

As someone who is divorced and dates divorced people - the fact that you have an exact date things ended (sounds like there was an incident?) and that you “don’t want to get into it” would be a red flag for me. That indicates you’re not totally over it. Do you tell them anything else about your divorce?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

Ha, my marriage actually ended in a December 2015, but I sure don’t want to get into that right away.

Other PP, I put “only” in quotes because other people seem to think one year isn’t long enough.

As someone who is divorced and dates divorced people - the fact that you have an exact date things ended (sounds like there was an incident?) and that you “don’t want to get into it” would be a red flag for me. That indicates you’re not totally over it. Do you tell them anything else about your divorce?

Do I really have to tell someone in the initial text chats that I found out about infidelity in December 2015? That would make it seem like I’m still in a rage about it, and really, I’m not. All I think I need to say about the divorce initially is, yes I am legally divorced, and we are amicable 50/50 coparents who don’t talk about anything other than kid logistics.

[Anonymous]

With all due respect - you can’t blame people for being curious and/or concerned. I have met many men who claimed they were over their ex but were still incredibly entangled. If you have kids, some of that is inevitable - but no one wants drama in their 50s. Show people a little compassion and hopefully they will show the same back to you.

[Anonymous]

Also, frankly, the fact that you are separated for much longer than necessary will alert people to the fact that yes, it wasn’t necessarily easy or amicable and maybe there are red flag-type circumstances. I’m not saying that’s the case, but just trying to let you know from an outsider perspective how you may be perceived.

[Anonymous]

Saying "the marriage ended" is too vague. Disgruntled men secretly declare their marriage "ended" so that they can feel okay about cheating, but they're still living together. So it seems like an evasion.

Say that you moved into in separate homes in [year] and divorced in [month, year].

[Anonymous]

Interesting as from the man's perspective, I've found it to be more than women are EXTREMELY wary of any man who is recently divorced, as if he's still hung up on his ex and they might get back together.

Signed, guy whose actual divorce is four months old, separated 3 years and the marriage died 8 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying "the marriage ended" is too vague. Disgruntled men secretly declare their marriage "ended" so that they can feel okay about cheating, but they're still living together. So it seems like an evasion.

Say that you moved into in separate homes in [year] and divorced in [month, year].

I am divorced. That level of detail is not relevant. Maybe the year. Maybe.

I am a woman.

When people ask me, legally the divorce was finalized earlier this year, the divorce itself took years, and the marriage was over many years ago.

No one needs any more details than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

Ha, my marriage actually ended in a December 2015, but I sure don’t want to get into that right away.

Other PP, I put “only” in quotes because other people seem to think one year isn’t long enough.

As someone who is divorced and dates divorced people - the fact that you have an exact date things ended (sounds like there was an incident?) and that you “don’t want to get into it” would be a red flag for me. That indicates you’re not totally over it. Do you tell them anything else about your divorce?

Do I really have to tell someone in the initial text chats that I found out about infidelity in December 2015? That would make it seem like I’m still in a rage about it, and really, I’m not. All I think I need to say about the divorce initially is, yes I am legally divorced, and we are amicable 50/50 coparents who don’t talk about anything other than kid logistics.

No, all you have to say is that you are divorced. That is it. If they ask, you have kids half the time. No more details need to be shared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

Ha, my marriage actually ended in a December 2015, but I sure don’t want to get into that right away.

Other PP, I put “only” in quotes because other people seem to think one year isn’t long enough.

As someone who is divorced and dates divorced people - the fact that you have an exact date things ended (sounds like there was an incident?) and that you “don’t want to get into it” would be a red flag for me. That indicates you’re not totally over it. Do you tell them anything else about your divorce?

Do I really have to tell someone in the initial text chats that I found out about infidelity in December 2015? That would make it seem like I’m still in a rage about it, and really, I’m not. All I think I need to say about the divorce initially is, yes I am legally divorced, and we are amicable 50/50 coparents who don’t talk about anything other than kid logistics.

No, No, No, do not mention about infidelity while texting with a stranger. That means you are not over your marriage. People want to date pulled together people. After you have been dating face to face for 3 months or more if it comes up you can mention the infidelity.

Mentioning it now means you are an angry woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying "the marriage ended" is too vague. Disgruntled men secretly declare their marriage "ended" so that they can feel okay about cheating, but they're still living together. So it seems like an evasion.

Say that you moved into in separate homes in [year] and divorced in [month, year].

Way to much information. Just say separated ________. Divorce _______ (only give year.)

[Anonymous]

Ya'll are giving way to much info to random strangers.
Specify year separated and year divorced.

No need to get into your marital trash or reason for divorce.

After dating face to face for 6 months to a year that can come out.

People want to date pulled together people. Going on about cause of divorce or infidelity just makes you seem like an angry man or angry woman who is not over their divorce.