People thinking I am “not divorced enough”...

[Anonymous]

I’ve been divorced for over a year, and was separated for two years before that. I am completely “over” my ex and ready to start dating. I am looking for an LTR with the right person (also in their 50s).

I’ve been getting quizzed a lot about “where I am” and “what I’m looking for”. A lot of times when I’ve been chatting for a while and things seem to be going well, the temperature drops sharply when I say I’ve been divorced for “only” a year. I get it, they want to make sure I’m not still entangled with my ex. But what am I supposed to do, have a bunch of short-term flings before “they” decide I’m ready for an LTR? Am I only going to get dates with other “not divorced long enough” people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been divorced for over a year, and was separated for two years before that. I am completely “over” my ex and ready to start dating. I am looking for an LTR with the right person (also in their 50s).

I’ve been getting quizzed a lot about “where I am” and “what I’m looking for”. A lot of times when I’ve been chatting for a while and things seem to be going well, the temperature drops sharply when I say I’ve been divorced for “only” a year. I get it, they want to make sure I’m not still entangled with my ex. But what am I supposed to do, have a bunch of short-term flings before “they” decide I’m ready for an LTR? Am I only going to get dates with other “not divorced long enough” people?

Perhaps stop using the word "only". Also, instead of stating you've been divorced for a year say you've been divorced for three years. It is common to include the years of separation. Three sounds much longer than one. And...don't use "only".

[Anonymous]

Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

Ha, my marriage actually ended in a December 2015, but I sure don’t want to get into that right away.

Other PP, I put “only” in quotes because other people seem to think one year isn’t long enough.

[Anonymous]

Are these chats online, before you meet in person? If so, that’s the problem. It’s not the divorce. You need to stop chatting online with people you haven’t met. Just exchange 1-3 messages to schedule coffee or a drink (or a 6ft+ park bench meeting) sometime soon and close by. Messaging people before meeting them is a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these chats online, before you meet in person? If so, that’s the problem. It’s not the divorce. You need to stop chatting online with people you haven’t met. Just exchange 1-3 messages to schedule coffee or a drink (or a 6ft+ park bench meeting) sometime soon and close by. Messaging people before meeting them is a waste of time.

Yes. They want this information before we meet in person. Agree that text chat before meeting in person needs to be brief.

[Anonymous]

People have the right to decide they'd rather their dates have been divorced for a longer period of time. It just means these people aren't right for you right now. That's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of agree with PP -- say "my marriage ended 3 years ago" -- don't lie and say you've been divorced 3 years. Lying is bad mmkay.

Ha, my marriage actually ended in a December 2015, but I sure don’t want to get into that right away.

Other PP, I put “only” in quotes because other people seem to think one year isn’t long enough.

As someone who is divorced and dates divorced people - the fact that you have an exact date things ended (sounds like there was an incident?) and that you “don’t want to get into it” would be a red flag for me. That indicates you’re not totally over it. Do you tell them anything else about your divorce?

[Anonymous]

Maybe say, "We separated in 2015 and our divorce was finalized a year ago."

[Anonymous]

Agree with the others. Say, my marriage ended...whatever Years ago. Then be quiet. Let them ask if you're divorced. Yes, finally legally divorced a year ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say, "We separated in 2015 and our divorce was finalized a year ago."

This is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say, "We separated in 2015 and our divorce was finalized a year ago."

This is perfect.

It sounds like for OP the marriage died in Dec 2015 but there wasn’t an actual separation until three years ago (2017). I’d say you separated three years ago and the divorce papers were finalized a year ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say, "We separated in 2015 and our divorce was finalized a year ago."

m

Won’t make a difference - just seems more desperate

OP - next year you will look back and understand why. People don’t think you are hung up on your ex at all but you aren’t adapting well either since you are uncomfortable being single and looking to get into a serious relationship quickly. No one wants to be the rebound even in their 50’s

Calm down. You will be ok and you won’t dissolve because you are single. Get yourself together first.

[Anonymous]

I have found that women in the first 1-2 years after divorce whore around a lot, and even if they say they want to be in a long-term relationship, they really don't. So they are typically a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say, "We separated in 2015 and our divorce was finalized a year ago."

m

Won’t make a difference - just seems more desperate

OP - next year you will look back and understand why. People don’t think you are hung up on your ex at all but you aren’t adapting well either since you are uncomfortable being single and looking to get into a serious relationship quickly. No one wants to be the rebound even in their 50’s

Calm down. You will be ok and you won’t dissolve because you are single. Get yourself together first.

I disagree. It is reframing it for the other person. By saying "only" OP is indicating that she doesn't think it is a long time. And if that is the case, OP, you should take a little break or just date casually. But if OP feels her marriage really is over, then framing the situation as "we've been separated since 2017 and the divorce was finalized a year ago" she's set up that she's 3 years out from the trauma.