Reply to Feeling hopeless about my marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So if I'm understanding this correctly, you want him to help out more around the house and in life, and he tells you "adjust your expectations, I won't lift a finger".

DTMFA. There are guys out there who truly do try every single day their best to be a full partner and lighten your load. Who actually care about your wellbeing. I'm married to one of those guys and I'm nothing special. 
[/quote]
Pretty much. I say I need more help, he says he will help more and try harder. That usually involves a couple extra things that he does for a couple weeks, then he goes back to his usual load. For example he will take the kids to the park a couple hours one Saturday and then will feed the dogs one morning or evening or take out the garbage a couple times. We have done this over and over, every 6-8 mos, for several years. Certainly since we had two kids which is 6 years.

I have a strong hunch he has ADHD (not simply because of the division of duties), but maybe I am just hoping he does so there is a “reason” he doesn’t help me when I am overwhelmed. Otherwise it would just feel like him not being a real partner.

He keeps talking about  my “full potential” and I keep telling him I have absolutely no bandwidth to do things for myself to reach my “full potential” because I spend so much time doing everything else that needs to get done. He will say he supports me doing things on my own/for myself but when I ask for concrete things like “pick up the kids every Wednesday routinely” so I can stay for a late meeting or be on a board or volunteer or something he won’t commit. It’s just a terrible cycle and I’m so tired of/from it. [/quote]

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....[/quote]

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