Coming to terms with paying so much for an unmotivated student who hates college?

[Anonymous]

You can try to motivate him by telling that the gravy train is over once he graduates. Maybe he will have a summer to live with you, but after that, he is expected to get a job and an apartment and roommates and support himself like an adult.

What is ihis major? What kind of career would he like? I can't imagine a GPA of 2.5 or less would put his resume at the top of the list.

[Anonymous]

Lots of great and thoughtful advice here, OP, especially 11:35. I have one at an expensive top 25. He thought he wanted to PhD. But after chugging along at barely a 3.0 he finally realized the research grind wasn’t for him. He adjusted his goals and we had to adjust our expectations (and candidly, our disappointment). But it’s been okay! Once we all settled into his new reality we all felt better. Now he’s actively scanning job posting sites, working with the (completely awesome) career center, and thinking about what he wants to do. It was a healthy exhale. I hope you and your son can come to that same place. Sometimes college is just checking the sheepskin box and little else. Still a good result as having a college degree has meaning.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Granted this was decades ok when a C was a better grade, but I have a relative who graduated with a C average and became CEO of a Fortune 500 company. He’s worth about fifty million dollars.

I hope you’re not giving him very much spending money. Pay for his dorm, meal plan, and books. Don’t bankroll him much otherwise. Make clear that he is going to have to have a job and support himself once he graduates and that the gravy train stops after four years of college. Don’t let him boomerang back.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I went through this with our son, it's indeed frustrating especially when you know the potential is there.

Our approach was to sit him down at the end of his freshman year in order to discuss where his head was at, map out the pros and cons of college in terms of what he wanted out of life, where we thought he was under-performing and what we viewed as realistic and acceptable grade targets based off of his past performance as a student. This ultimately led to an agreed upon target for mid and end of sophomore year GPA performance. He clearly understood that if the mark was missed mom and dad were out of the college money game as he would have clearly indicated that he had other interests. His choices would be move back home, get a job and pay a reasonable room and board while learning a trade or take the leap and venture into the world by living on his own, joining the Military etc.

He made progress sophomore year but unfortunately didn’t achieve the agreed upon end of year goal so we upheld our end of the deal and we stopped the gravy train. He came home that summer, started framing houses, paying us rent (which we set aside for him) and after a rough half a year of swinging a hammer, not getting paid due to weather or limited work and being constantly annoyed by his teenage sister that while being a carpenter is a great profession for some, college was more his thing.

He made the decision to return to school, buckled down, upped his game and did very well his final 2 years. He’s now a Park Ranger out west and loving life with plans to pursue a Master’s soon.

Long winded but at least lets you know others live with this and it is definitely a solvable situation that can have a good ending with some conversation, guidance, support and a sprinkle of tough love.... good luck!

[Anonymous]

If he's happy, passing his classes and on course to graduate on time he's fine. Consider yourself lucky you don't have real problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not lay down the gauntlet?

He needs X GPA next semester or he’s coming home and doing a semester at community college. Then he needs to have CC gpa of at least 3.5 before you will agree to pay for college again. He can keep trying at community college for a year. After that he needs a job and pays rent orgets kicked out.

A Gentleman’s C is fine. Look at Pres GW Bush
He may change later may not. As long as he is passing and inching along to graduation fine. My grades weren’t great my 1st 2 years but once I got into my major As and Deans List. Give him time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not lay down the gauntlet?

He needs X GPA next semester or he’s coming home and doing a semester at community college. Then he needs to have CC gpa of at least 3.5 before you will agree to pay for college again. He can keep trying at community college for a year. After that he needs a job and pays rent orgets kicked out.

A Gentleman’s C is fine. Look at Pres GW Bush
He may change later may not. As long as he is passing and inching along to graduation fine. My grades weren’t great my 1st 2 years but once I got into my major As and Deans List. Give him time.

Cs at Yale in the late 60s while heir to one of the most prolific political and financial dynasties in America != UMC teen at a top 100 university in 2019 getting Cs

[Anonymous]

Also, Bush had an elite Andover credential and was cheerleader and Skull & Bones. Minor details.

[Anonymous]

He is fine! Be impressed that he is passing, plenty of kids flunk out of schools way below top 100. Don’t hold his hand through the getting a job process and let him sink or swim in that so he is forced to live with the consequences good or bad. But he will always have the degree and that is something. He is doing just fine and you did great!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is common for this generation. Life has been an endless treadmill of hovering, overprotective parents and preparation.

He probably sees college as something that is hoisted on him rather than feeling blessed that he is getting a good education paid for.

We did not "hoist" or force him to go to college. He loves the freedom, loves he was able to get out of our home and out of town. He is disinterested in everything college about college; the work, the library, clubs, making connections. He's sort of just there, chugging along in lower rigor courses. He has a social life and friends but we worry how serious they take him or if he's just Good Time Charlie nobody will associate with after they graduate and go in different directions. That's perhaps cynical, but it's a real concern of mine.

This statement seems extremely judgmental. Many people don't keep up with college friends, or they do for a while and then they don't. If he has the capacity to make friends now, why would that go away after college? He'll make friends wherever he goes, it sounds like. He's a chill kid. That's how he's going to face his life. People spend years of adulthood trying to become that way, with mindfulness practice, therapy, etc. I empathize with you OP because I tend to worry about things FOR my kid, but that's a me problem, not a him problem. If he is handling independence, making friends, enjoying himself in the ways he's found to enjoy himself, not having mental health problems, passing his classes...I'd say he's doing pretty well. He's engaging the social part of life and developing that, which is arguably the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

I feel so differently than the other posters. I would be entirely supportive of someone who was getting C's despite trying their best. This kid though...No. He is exploiting you guys. He literally is doing the minimum to give him continued access to the college social scene/parties/girls, whatever. You and your spouse did not work hard all of these years to underwrite an all expense paid trip to extended adolescence.

Where are all of the posters who say these students are adults? I feel like college is a contract between parents and children: I will fork over TONS of money that I could have spent on other things, IF you take your job there seriously.

You are enabling someone who sounds very immature and selfish. THe sooner you stop, the sooner he will get his act together. (Do you want him to freeload on his wife also? His co-workers? He needs to be held accountable)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so differently than the other posters. I would be entirely supportive of someone who was getting C's despite trying their best. This kid though...No. He is exploiting you guys. He literally is doing the minimum to give him continued access to the college social scene/parties/girls, whatever. You and your spouse did not work hard all of these years to underwrite an all expense paid trip to extended adolescence.

Where are all of the posters who say these students are adults? I feel like college is a contract between parents and children: I will fork over TONS of money that I could have spent on other things, IF you take your job there seriously.

You are enabling someone who sounds very immature and selfish. THe sooner you stop, the sooner he will get his act together. (Do you want him to freeload on his wife also? His co-workers? He needs to be held accountable)

ITA. A lot depends on what year this kid is in. If he is very close to graduation he might as well finish up his degree. If he's a third year sophomore that's a different story.

Is he making real progress towards his degree or is he just playing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so differently than the other posters. I would be entirely supportive of someone who was getting C's despite trying their best. This kid though...No. He is exploiting you guys. He literally is doing the minimum to give him continued access to the college social scene/parties/girls, whatever. You and your spouse did not work hard all of these years to underwrite an all expense paid trip to extended adolescence.

Where are all of the posters who say these students are adults? I feel like college is a contract between parents and children: I will fork over TONS of money that I could have spent on other things, IF you take your job there seriously.

You are enabling someone who sounds very immature and selfish. THe sooner you stop, the sooner he will get his act together. (Do you want him to freeload on his wife also? His co-workers? He needs to be held accountable)

I just don't understand what you are hoping to gain. So, you make the kid leave college and then what? Now he's not qualified to do anything much for forever. How is that helpful? Why do you assume he'll get his act together? He may never, or not for years, years that are wasted. That will inevitably make YOUR life worse because they will need help at some time or another and you will not be heartless if you can provide the help, especially if it will affect your (future) grandchildren. This is classic cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[Anonymous]

The biggest concern is whether this slacker attitude towards college will translate into a slacker attitude towards life, including his post-collegiate career. What does he envision doing after he graduates college? Real life is not easy. It is very, very hard, as we all know.

The difficulty with using someone like Bush Jr or a cousin who received Cs in college but became a CEO is that they would have been proactive and eager in other areas of their life, demonstrating the ability to go and do things. Bush was a poor student but socially vibrant and active and engaging with people around him. He knew all about networking and boosterism. I know plenty of people who were C-averages in college but went into sales and blossomed but I could sense that even when they were college students.

It may be worthwhile to tell him he should withdraw for a year and spend that year working to get a taste of what the real world requires in terms of discipline if he ever wants to amount to something more than a retail clerk. Sometimes that can serve as a wake up call.

[Anonymous]

You have pegged your DS as a slacker from age 13-17, but somehow you expected things to be different in college? Doesn't seem reasonable. What year is your son? And major? At this point, I would explain your expectations of him going forward: 1) Summer job/jobs--must work 40 hours each week and 2) Can return to your home after graduation for ONE month. He then needs to be up and out. You will not be paying for phone, health or car insurance following graduation. Only require what you are willing to follow through. Your scenario isn't doomed, but you and your DH must be firm.