Coming to terms with paying so much for an unmotivated student who hates college?
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Anonymous
We did not "hoist" or force him to go to college. He loves the freedom, loves he was able to get out of our home and out of town. He is disinterested in everything college about college; the work, the library, clubs, making connections. He's sort of just there, chugging along in lower rigor courses. He has a social life and friends but we worry how serious they take him or if he's just Good Time Charlie nobody will associate with after they graduate and go in different directions. That's perhaps cynical, but it's a real concern of mine. 
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Anonymous
Why not? Because that probably won't result in a kid who has intrinsic motivation, which is what OP says is her goal. In order to have intrinsic motivation the kid needs to be in charge of his own life and find what means something to him. I think it's reasonable if OP sets a floor below which she won't pay for college, though I'd probably make it a c average (because, as someone said, Cs get degrees). But she can't then also control what kid does next - kid might decide to stay in college town and wait tables, you know? Or become a ski bum. I would have. And having left school without a degree will leave her son in a less secure place than if she had sucked up her pride and paid for her son to have his college experience however he had it, and to graduate with a degree. What she will be unable to do is control who he becomes, what he loves, and what he is motivated to do. Those things are his alone. |
Anonymous
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If you want to support the chugging along, that is fine, but what is your child majoring in? What are their plans for after graduation? What skills will they offer to a prospective employer? Sounds like they would be great for sales - good social skills etc, but sales in what? Being social is awesome, but they should at least begin to understand that at some point, they will need to stand on their own two feet, and college is the time to fully prepare for that.
*unless you are planning on supporting them indefinitely. |
Anonymous
OP here. The bottom quartile at large top 100 universities is not terribly impressive. He had mostly As, mid 20s ACT score, and we're full pay (which I honestly think helps). He knows peers who also were admitted into top 100 universities with both lower GPAs and slightly lower ACT scores. Unless we were on top of him in high school, he would do bare minimum, cut corners, and weasel out of work and studying. He has not really changed.
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Anonymous
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Love your son. He'll be fine. He's not failing. You don't have to like it but it could be much worse so it is best to accept it and gently guide. Some kids are late bloomers and many C students end up very successful. We all know many families who have it so much worse with kids with depression, suicidal ideation, or drug addiction. Keep proper perspective.
This day of all, the anniversary of when so many lost so much, let's remember what is most important, and that life is a marathon not a sprint. As someone pointed our earlier, toughlove never works with something like this. You can't make a person want something. He'll be fine. |
Anonymous
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What year is he? Is he in the wrong major, is this a lack of maturity on his part, does he have any work experience?
I know that I was a hard worker in HS but when I went away to college, academics to a back seat to the social aspects (dating/partying/go out) and new found freedoms (staying up late, sleeping in, blowing off class, eating what I wanted when I wanted). College was very, very fun for me. I had an absolute blast. But I was not a serious student and I don't think I took advantage of any of the academic/professional networking opportunities offered by my school....I fell into some things largely because of my course advisor. But even those things I didn't take very seriously. It wasn't until I was working a 40+ hour grind of a low pay, full time job and attending community at night that I fully appreciated what I had pissed away. At the same time, I have some great memories of college and I grew as a person in a way that wouldn't have happened had I not gone away to school. |
Anonymous
| ^attending community college |
Anonymous
| I'd vote for letting him get the degree with the low GPA.. Insist he work in some capacity in the summer - either an internship, or just a regular labor job (construction, waiting tables, working at a camp etc.). He needs to meet people and get himself out there. Does he have a good personality? It goes a long way. Demonstrating work ethic and reliability and a pleasant disposition goes a long way. Don't give up yet! |
Anonymous
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He sounds, ok. Just ok. Which is fine. He also doesn't sound like a student who was really a candidate for a "top 100" university but he fulfilled his parents expectations and did this for them. Sounds like he plans to graduate to please them as well.
The only thing I would do is encourage him to figure out what kind of job he wants after graduation so he can continue to have his freedom, which sounds like one of the few things he enjoys. |
Anonymous
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Your story reminds me of this new article from NYT: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/09/10/magazine/college-admissions-paul-tough.html
How much are you actually paying per year? |
Anonymous
I kind of have similar worries for a kid who is only 13, but what I bolded really stood out to me. I mean I get how that could be a concern, but he's now an adult, legally at least. How he handles relationships isn't really what you care about when you spend all this money on college, is it? Isn't you goal to have raised a self sufficient adult? So I think your concern is will he be able to get a job, pay his bills, and live an independent life? I think you need to start talking to him about what happens after college, and set some expectations. Are you ok with him moving back home without a job or a motivation to find a good job? I mean in a couple of years are you going ot be on here posting you're worried he doesn't have any friends and he's just playing video games and living off the allowance you give him? I have no advice on HOW to do this, but it seems ot me that you need to shift from thinking about his self esteem to thinking about how you can raise him to be an independent adult in the world. |
Anonymous
+1 He needs to learn how to figure out what he wants to do and how to network to make it happen. Explain to him that he will be responsible for earning his own money after school so he needs to go to the career center and work with them now rather than later. The GPA? That's less important than figuring this job stuff out. |
Anonymous
Just getting the degree will at least meet the minimum requirements for many jobs. You've done well to get him to that point and through college. I'm not surprised he hasn't changed, personalities tend to be static. Slackers looking for shortcuts are often great innovators, maybe there's hope. |
Anonymous
| As a former college professor, there are plenty of students like him and for the most part they do just fine. A student with advantages, a network, and a family safety net can slide into a well-paid job that isn't too taxing. Does he work over the summer and/or during the school year? That experience will be extremely valuable even if it's just about showing up on time, doing the basics, and making nice with people. He should also be paying for something that he considers essential so he has motivation to stick with a job (phone, car insurance, gas, beer money). It sounds like he is really social and that will be really helpful in the long run. |
Anonymous
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Maybe he just hasn't found his passion yet. Or an idea of what he wants to do. As long as he's not failing, he'll still graduate.
I had a 2.5 average for the first two years and a 3.6 for the last two. I wish I had settled in sooner and had been more excited about the school part of school from the beginning, but better late than never. |