Wife had Affair with Coworker

[Anonymous]

OP, I assume your wife and the OM still work together, correct? A risk in telling the other spouse - and I saw it play it in my office - is that she calls the employer and gets them involved and then all bets are off, with termination being a possibility. Depending on your financial situation, consider this and the other ways in which you lose control of things once you involve the other spouse. I’ve also seen a spouse shame her husband and the OW by name on social media. Lots to think about and sorry you are in this spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reverse the sexes and people here would be calling the husband scum, and telling the wife to take him for everything. No one would be asking if she was a good wife, etc.

She’s a cheater, always will be. Have some dignity and leave.

As a woman, I agree.

With the perspective you stated above would you tell the affair partners spouse about the infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?

Yes she seems remorseful. The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago. I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking. Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional. Yes she had considered leaving. I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.

Oh the affair wasn’t even physical?? Ugh never mind. I think the emotional affair thing is so murky.

It was physical too

Oh okay gotcha.

So... you’re committed (for now) to trying to work things out. Start thinking about your boundaries and requirements. As bad as this sucks, you do have the upper hand right now. You’re laying down the new rules. I do think her finding a new job ASAP is a must.

[Anonymous]

I would want to know. Please email the wife.

[Anonymous]

Please inform the other spouse. She has a right to know what's happening in her life and marriage. Any fallout for your wife and OM is a consequence of their actions and none of your concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I assume your wife and the OM still work together, correct? A risk in telling the other spouse - and I saw it play it in my office - is that she calls the employer and gets them involved and then all bets are off, with termination being a possibility. Depending on your financial situation, consider this and the other ways in which you lose control of things once you involve the other spouse. I’ve also seen a spouse shame her husband and the OW by name on social media. Lots to think about and sorry you are in this spot.

They do still work together. I had similar thoughts and conversations with her about how this could affect her career. Luckily, we are financially stable and live within our means where a loss of job would not be a huge burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reverse the sexes and people here would be calling the husband scum, and telling the wife to take him for everything. No one would be asking if she was a good wife, etc.

She’s a cheater, always will be. Have some dignity and leave.

As a woman, I agree.

+1

[Anonymous]

survivinginfidelity.com has several forums with great advice for people in your position. Definitely tell the other person’s wife - she deserves to know what’s going on in her marriage, exposure makes the affair less attractive, and having another set of eyes on things helps.

[Anonymous]

You are a better man than I am. I couldn’t possibly stay with a person I cannot trust. That’s far worse than sexless life in my view. Should you tell the other person? I don’t see why not. She needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good marriage counselor who can help keep your family together.

. She has agreed to come to therapy with me which is a huge positive. We have our first session next week.

Yay! About how old are your children?

8-12

Ok, good age to see how marriage IS hard, but you keep working on it. Hopefully, your wife will see the light. Your children desperately need two functioning parents under one roof. I know this.

Garden variety marriage is hard. Cheating is betrayal and deception. Children don’t NEED to see one parent stay in a dysfunctional situation. I know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I get that it may seem spiteful to tell the offending partners spouse about the affair, but I keep coming back to putting myself in the position if I were the unaware spouse, I would want to know.

But it won’t do you any good except for creating more problems for yourself so why bother?

[Anonymous]

Inform the head of HR. That will end it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. This will never work in the long run.

I am not there yet. I refuse to give up on my family and my wife. That does not mean that it is not a possibility in the future, just one I am hoping to avoid.

Why? She gave up on you, for years.

[Anonymous]

I hate survivinginfidelity.com. I liked ChumpLady much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?

Yes she seems remorseful. The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago. I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking. Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional. Yes she had considered leaving. I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.

So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work. Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices.

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask?