Tweens dropping one friend from the group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In less there was a good reason I would be very upset with my child for treating someone like that.

Yes, this. unless there is a good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the gender secrecy?

Ask your son or daughter if he/she has issues with the excluded kid. That should be a good indicator of the direction you (and DC) should take.

If your kid doesn’t have a problem with the excluded kid, this could be a teachable moment about going along with the pack vs individual opinion. I’m not saying you should tell your kid to take the moral high ground at the risk of social ostracism, but it could be a good conversation starter.

If your kid still likes the excluded kid, maybe suggest he/she make plans just the 2 of them.

If it turns out there are reasons the group is distancing themselves from the other kid, have a conversation about diplomacy and being sensitive to other people’s feelings (even when that person is being crappy).

Either way, I think being totally hands-off isn’t the answer. You don’t have to helicopter, but you can guide your kid to be socially sensitive. Have a dialogue about handling difficult people, or how to tactfully distance yourself from difficult people (even adults have to deal with this). Or, if it’s a mean girl (boy) situation, have a dialogue about social pressure and the whole queen bee thing, and standing up when your friends aren’t being decent.

This. I wouldn't get involved directly, but I would absolutely talk to my kid. Why are they excluding this person? Does she agree with others that the person should be excluded, or is she just going along? Does she like this person? How does she feel when she lies to this person? How would she feel if she were on the receiving end of the lies and exclusion? Is she proud of her behavior?

If the person is being dropped because they are mean, that's one thing. If they are being dropped for not being cool enough, that's quite another. This is a chance to articulate your values to your kid. She doesn't have to be best friends with the target, but she ought to think hard about whether what she is doing is kind, is fair, and is reflective of the kind of person she wants to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh I'm guessing this is about OPs 'daughter'. This sounds very sad for the excluded child. As a parent I think OP should encourage her child to invite the other child over occasionally, remain friendly at least - unless there is a serious reason why not (unlikely).
I have two teen boys and nothing like this has ever happened, there has been no friend problems at all - and there have been a lot of teen boys coming and going over the years. They all seem very laid back. All still friends.

It happens to boys too. Chances are your boys have faded someone, but since there is typically less drama, you didn't know about it.

[Anonymous]

I'd talk to your child, and find out why the other child is being excluded, and how to address the issue with the other child appropriately.

When I was in 9th grade, my group of friends decided that we didn't want to hang out with a girl who was really, really difficult to make conversation with - she would just reply briefly to direct questions, and never say anything else.

We avoided her and lied about needing to do other things at lunch. I wish we had spoken to her directly about what was bothering us, and given her a chance to change. I think she probably was incapable of doing so, but it would have been the kind thing to do, and at least she would have understood what was bothering us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh I'm guessing this is about OPs 'daughter'. This sounds very sad for the excluded child. As a parent I think OP should encourage her child to invite the other child over occasionally, remain friendly at least - unless there is a serious reason why not (unlikely).
I have two teen boys and nothing like this has ever happened, there has been no friend problems at all - and there have been a lot of teen boys coming and going over the years. They all seem very laid back. All still friends.

It happens to boys too. Chances are your boys have faded someone, but since there is typically less drama, you didn't know about it.

Actually a middle school teacher told me that with boys it is referred to as "culling from the pack."

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a child who had this happen to them, I resent some of the responses here. It is totally okay for friends and friend groups to shift, and unfortunately that means some kids will be pushed out of a group. However, to act as if it is always “caused” by the kid who is pushed out is to ignore the reality that is middle school aged kids can just be mean and seek to exclude someone for something as simple as they don’t have as much money, they are not physically maturing as quickly, they have a learning disability and are not as “fast” intellectually, they are not as athletic, whatever.

I agree that middle school kids can be mean, and drop friends for cruel reasons. At the same time, friend groups can change as interests and personalities change. My son was very upset that a group of boys that he used to be friendly with dropped him, but those boys got very into watching and playing hockey and DS has no interest in hockey. I don't really feel those boys did anything wrong - they didn't tease DS, and they weren't rude to him, but they just stopped inviting him to hang out. The dropping was "caused" by DS in the sense that he had divergent interests, but not in the sense that he did anything wrong.

Luckily DS also has other friend groups, so he wasn't alone at school and still had other kids to socialize with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a child who had this happen to them, I resent some of the responses here. It is totally okay for friends and friend groups to shift, and unfortunately that means some kids will be pushed out of a group. However, to act as if it is always “caused” by the kid who is pushed out is to ignore the reality that is middle school aged kids can just be mean and seek to exclude someone for something as simple as they don’t have as much money, they are not physically maturing as quickly, they have a learning disability and are not as “fast” intellectually, they are not as athletic, whatever.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting it’s always the kid who stops getting invites fault at all. I’m sorry that happened to your child. It does happen the other way too, though, and that can also be stressful on the kids doing the leaving, particularly if teachers/guidance counselors, the other kid’s parents assume they are being cruel or bullying. The details make a big difference in how op should respond.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised at the number of people who seem to think "being kind" means you can't also be honest. Think of the number of adults you know who don't understand casual sliding back of friendships. And you expect 11 year olds to understand "I'm busy tonight" really means "our friendship is over"?

Teaching your children to disengage in a kind yet honest way is an invaluable skill. Especially for girls, who I think still struggle with establishing and maintaining meaningful boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I would encourage my child not to have a "friend group" to be honest. It's not necessary to have hermetically sealed "friend groups" that include and exclude people. She can just have friends. You should try to assess whether your daughter actually has an issue with the ostracized girl. If not, you should encourage her to spend time with her 1:1, and also broaden your daughter's activities beyond this exclusionary "friend group."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised at the number of people who seem to think "being kind" means you can't also be honest. Think of the number of adults you know who don't understand casual sliding back of friendships. And you expect 11 year olds to understand "I'm busy tonight" really means "our friendship is over"?

Teaching your children to disengage in a kind yet honest way is an invaluable skill. Especially for girls, who I think still struggle with establishing and maintaining meaningful boundaries.

Well sure, but it sounds like the group could be deciding en masse to ostracize one girl, and pressuring others to go along with it. That's very different from an "honest" feeling of the friendship back sliding. As a parent, it's OP's job to figure out what the scenario is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage my child not to have a "friend group" to be honest. It's not necessary to have hermetically sealed "friend groups" that include and exclude people. She can just have friends. You should try to assess whether your daughter actually has an issue with the ostracized girl. If not, you should encourage her to spend time with her 1:1, and also broaden your daughter's activities beyond this exclusionary "friend group."

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a child who had this happen to them, I resent some of the responses here. It is totally okay for friends and friend groups to shift, and unfortunately that means some kids will be pushed out of a group. However, to act as if it is always “caused” by the kid who is pushed out is to ignore the reality that is middle school aged kids can just be mean and seek to exclude someone for something as simple as they don’t have as much money, they are not physically maturing as quickly, they have a learning disability and are not as “fast” intellectually, they are not as athletic, whatever.

No one has said it is always the fault of the kid pushed out. You are triggered by your own child’s experience. Hopefully, your child has a nice group of friends again, but you might want to talk to someone yourself.

nice. No wonder kids push others out of groups. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the gender secrecy?

Ask your son or daughter if he/she has issues with the excluded kid. That should be a good indicator of the direction you (and DC) should take.

If your kid doesn’t have a problem with the excluded kid, this could be a teachable moment about going along with the pack vs individual opinion. I’m not saying you should tell your kid to take the moral high ground at the risk of social ostracism, but it could be a good conversation starter.

If your kid still likes the excluded kid, maybe suggest he/she make plans just the 2 of them.

If it turns out there are reasons the group is distancing themselves from the other kid, have a conversation about diplomacy and being sensitive to other people’s feelings (even when that person is being crappy).

Either way, I think being totally hands-off isn’t the answer. You don’t have to helicopter, but you can guide your kid to be socially sensitive. Have a dialogue about handling difficult people, or how to tactfully distance yourself from difficult people (even adults have to deal with this). Or, if it’s a mean girl (boy) situation, have a dialogue about social pressure and the whole queen bee thing, and standing up when your friends aren’t being decent.

This. I wouldn't get involved directly, but I would absolutely talk to my kid. Why are they excluding this person? Does she agree with others that the person should be excluded, or is she just going along? Does she like this person? How does she feel when she lies to this person? How would she feel if she were on the receiving end of the lies and exclusion? Is she proud of her behavior?

If the person is being dropped because they are mean, that's one thing. If they are being dropped for not being cool enough, that's quite another. This is a chance to articulate your values to your kid. She doesn't have to be best friends with the target, but she ought to think hard about whether what she is doing is kind, is fair, and is reflective of the kind of person she wants to be.

If you are very lucky, your child will tell you why the other child is being avoided. However, my child who normally tells me everything freaking came out of the closet as a lesbian six months before I learned that the excluded friend was cyberbullying my child and other girls. It was excruciating for her to talk about how she felt about the former friend. The friend was very popular with adults and had a lot of admirers among less popular kids. She didn’t bully these kids, only her own inner circle with helpful texts about their weight, clothing, hair, whose parents should get rid of their old car, whose parents were cool and let you watch R movies. The kids were terrified to challenge her or to ask an adult for help. My daughter was also worried that the adults would try to fix things and she would be forced to forgive the other girl, then be trapped with a fake friend.

[Anonymous]

If the person is being dropped because they are mean, that's one thing. If they are being dropped for not being cool enough, that's quite another. This is a chance to articulate your values to your kid. She doesn't have to be best friends with the target, but she ought to think hard about whether what she is doing is kind, is fair, and is reflective of the kind of person she wants to be.

I think there's probably a lot in between being dropped because they are mean and being dropped because they are not cool enough. I remember feeling very frustrated and exasperated with a friend when I was in junior high school, but at the time, I couldn't really say why. Now that I'm an adult, I recognize that it was because the friend talked about herself all of the time and didn't seem to care about what was going on with me. But I don't think I could have identified that as the problem when I was 13.

Still, I agree that it is important to reflect on treating the other person kindly and fairly - even if that means doing so as you pull back from a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the gender secrecy?

Ask your son or daughter if he/she has issues with the excluded kid. That should be a good indicator of the direction you (and DC) should take.

If your kid doesn’t have a problem with the excluded kid, this could be a teachable moment about going along with the pack vs individual opinion. I’m not saying you should tell your kid to take the moral high ground at the risk of social ostracism, but it could be a good conversation starter.

If your kid still likes the excluded kid, maybe suggest he/she make plans just the 2 of them.

If it turns out there are reasons the group is distancing themselves from the other kid, have a conversation about diplomacy and being sensitive to other people’s feelings (even when that person is being crappy).

Either way, I think being totally hands-off isn’t the answer. You don’t have to helicopter, but you can guide your kid to be socially sensitive. Have a dialogue about handling difficult people, or how to tactfully distance yourself from difficult people (even adults have to deal with this). Or, if it’s a mean girl (boy) situation, have a dialogue about social pressure and the whole queen bee thing, and standing up when your friends aren’t being decent.

This. I wouldn't get involved directly, but I would absolutely talk to my kid. Why are they excluding this person? Does she agree with others that the person should be excluded, or is she just going along? Does she like this person? How does she feel when she lies to this person? How would she feel if she were on the receiving end of the lies and exclusion? Is she proud of her behavior?

If the person is being dropped because they are mean, that's one thing. If they are being dropped for not being cool enough, that's quite another. This is a chance to articulate your values to your kid. She doesn't have to be best friends with the target, but she ought to think hard about whether what she is doing is kind, is fair, and is reflective of the kind of person she wants to be.

If you are very lucky, your child will tell you why the other child is being avoided. However, my child who normally tells me everything freaking came out of the closet as a lesbian six months before I learned that the excluded friend was cyberbullying my child and other girls. It was excruciating for her to talk about how she felt about the former friend. The friend was very popular with adults and had a lot of admirers among less popular kids. She didn’t bully these kids, only her own inner circle with helpful texts about their weight, clothing, hair, whose parents should get rid of their old car, whose parents were cool and let you watch R movies. The kids were terrified to challenge her or to ask an adult for help. My daughter was also worried that the adults would try to fix things and she would be forced to forgive the other girl, then be trapped with a fake friend.

There's just something off about how you describe this whole thing. She had a "lot of admirers among less popular kids"? Really? Your daughter was scared to report cyberbullying?

I have no issue if someone wants to cut off a friendship. I just get very suspicious when it's a "group" decision. Barring really bad conduct (which it doesn't sound like you're describing really), the normal course of events is that some people in the group may dislike a person a lot, some a little, some neutral, some are OK with them. There's no need to do a dramatic group ostracism ... unless the point is that "the group" is showing its muscle.