Tweens dropping one friend from the group

[Anonymous]

Your job as aparent is to know what’s going on in your daughters life and the reason she drop the friend. Often children are not forthcoming right when the event happens but will disclose after a few days or weeks if you’re receptive Please realize how cruel this is to that one child and encourage your child to morally and ethically stand by someone who is shunned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Your job as aparent is to know what’s going on in your daughters life and the reason she drop the friend. Often children are not forthcoming right when the event happens but will disclose after a few days or weeks if you’re receptive Please realize how cruel this is to that one child and encourage your child to morally and ethically stand by someone who is shunned

What if the ethical thing is to not stand with the child being shunned because the shunned child is a bully? Would you want your child to stand with the child who is drawing swastikas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

The DD who sent the mean texts had very hurt feelings and it is sad that the adults (moms) chose to shame her in that way.

Both parents were equally wrong in shaming that girl. When the original texts happened, those parents should have reached out to that mom and mom should have addressed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

The DD who sent the mean texts had very hurt feelings and it is sad that the adults (moms) chose to shame her in that way.

Uh, no. The girl had sent mean texts for two years before the party. She sent them as the Queen Bee to establish the norms she wanted in their group. She decided that everyone should blow-dry their hair straight. My DD and another girl had long thick biracial or AA curly hair that we the moms would allow them to straighten. So she texted our girls that they looked messy. She also sent texts about parents having old cars and how embarrassing it would be to arrive at school in them so only her mom should drive carpool. She made fun of the accents of two dads and told another girl that a “fat future” was ahead of her based on her stocky older sister.

I don’t approve of what the other moms did, but the mean girl’s mom criticized several children on FB for not coming to a party. She could have approached the parents privately in a group or individual texts. She set out to shame them and then learned some unpleasant facts about her own child.

If you are all carpooling why didn't you let the other mom know what was going on and what the issue was. It sounds like all the parents created a huge mess and no one taught the kids how to deal with these things as they come up. Usually when kids act like this there is more to the story and often they are treated this way by others or their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

The DD who sent the mean texts had very hurt feelings and it is sad that the adults (moms) chose to shame her in that way.

Both parents were equally wrong in shaming that girl. When the original texts happened, those parents should have reached out to that mom and mom should have addressed it.

My understanding is that neither of those two moms knew about the horrible texts until after the FB post. I completely agree that they should have contacted the mom offline. However, a part of me is relieved it all came out into the open. My child coped with a lot of pressure from adults who were upset that she stopped being the mean girl’s friend. One mom told me daughter that they (including the mean girl’s mom) had prayed for her at church. It doesn’t surprise me a bit that the other girls were too terrified to stop being the mean girl’s friend. They hung in there another year watching what happened to my DD, realizing they could be next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

The DD who sent the mean texts had very hurt feelings and it is sad that the adults (moms) chose to shame her in that way.

Uh, no. The girl had sent mean texts for two years before the party. She sent them as the Queen Bee to establish the norms she wanted in their group. She decided that everyone should blow-dry their hair straight. My DD and another girl had long thick biracial or AA curly hair that we the moms would allow them to straighten. So she texted our girls that they looked messy. She also sent texts about parents having old cars and how embarrassing it would be to arrive at school in them so only her mom should drive carpool. She made fun of the accents of two dads and told another girl that a “fat future” was ahead of her based on her stocky older sister.

I don’t approve of what the other moms did, but the mean girl’s mom criticized several children on FB for not coming to a party. She could have approached the parents privately in a group or individual texts. She set out to shame them and then learned some unpleasant facts about her own child.

If you are all carpooling why didn't you let the other mom know what was going on and what the issue was. It sounds like all the parents created a huge mess and no one taught the kids how to deal with these things as they come up. Usually when kids act like this there is more to the story and often they are treated this way by others or their family.

None of the bullied girls’ parents knew until the FB post. My DD asked to stop carpooling and I said OK. I didn’t know she left the friend group until she had a new group of friends. She seemed happy except for the pressure from adults telling her it was a shame to throw away a long friendship. I chalked the switch up to puberty and changing interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was the victim of being excluded from a friend group in 6th grade, reading the responses here gives me hope. No way the parents of those girls knew what they did to me right before we started middle school and how it affected me all through grade school. And still does. Please encourage your child not to do this.

In what way does it still affect you?

I’m the PP - It has always held me back when meeting new people. No matter what, the thought that the person wants nothing to do with me is always in the back of my mind. I rarely get close to people because of what happened back then. And it’s been 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was the victim of being excluded from a friend group in 6th grade, reading the responses here gives me hope. No way the parents of those girls knew what they did to me right before we started middle school and how it affected me all through grade school. And still does. Please encourage your child not to do this.

In what way does it still affect you?

I’m the PP - It has always held me back when meeting new people. No matter what, the thought that the person wants nothing to do with me is always in the back of my mind. I rarely get close to people because of what happened back then. And it’s been 30 years.

Has therapy helped? Please don’t say you went once or twice and it didn’t help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was the victim of being excluded from a friend group in 6th grade, reading the responses here gives me hope. No way the parents of those girls knew what they did to me right before we started middle school and how it affected me all through grade school. And still does. Please encourage your child not to do this.

In what way does it still affect you?

I’m the PP - It has always held me back when meeting new people. No matter what, the thought that the person wants nothing to do with me is always in the back of my mind. I rarely get close to people because of what happened back then. And it’s been 30 years.

Has therapy helped? Please don’t say you went once or twice and it didn’t help.

Sorry - I did mention it to a therapist once but then never ended up working on it as I moved and didn’t go back there. But you’re right therapy would definitely help.

[Anonymous]

Op Encourage your child to include the other friend once in a while and do not allow them to just cut the friend oit immediately. They can distance themself slowly a little bit here and there and let it happen naturally. I would encourage your child to treat the other child as they would want to be treated really. They will pick up subtle hints but it’s easier to handle over time rather than just being shut out completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Your job as aparent is to know what’s going on in your daughters life and the reason she drop the friend. Often children are not forthcoming right when the event happens but will disclose after a few days or weeks if you’re receptive Please realize how cruel this is to that one child and encourage your child to morally and ethically stand by someone who is shunned

I disagree completely. Your job as a parent is to model ethical behavior and encourage them to behave ethically and morally. It is not your job to know all the ups and downs of their various friendships. I went through middle school drama once, and have no desire to go through it a second time vicariously.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that everyone assumes DD when OP put DC and no gender.
So, my tween boy is doing this. His friend “Aidan” started spending more time with a girl, “Lexi”, plus “Aidan” is super busy with sports this spring (on 3 teams on 2 sports, 2 teams travel teams). So when we invite him over (or out to a movie), he’s always busy. My son changes his status on Instagram to being best friends another boy in their group. “Aidan” complains to “Lexi”, “Lexi” contacts my son and gives him a hard time, my son blocks her. Meanwhile, “Aidan” is heartbroken about being un-best-friended and is crying to his mom. His mom calls me… and we are going to work it out so the boys can hang out more. It’s middle school drama. First time adding girls into the mix, which complicates things on who is saying what to whom about who / what… But these kids have been friends a long time, and we know “Aidan” is having (physical) bullying issues at school.
Telling your child to be honest with a friend doesn’t mean they are being mean / saying mean things. Explain that they should simply address it – “I know we used to be great friends, but I’m drifting in a different direction.” Breaking up with a friend can be like breaking up with a romantic interest. Ghosting isn’t cool at any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your job as aparent is to know what’s going on in your daughters life and the reason she drop the friend. Often children are not forthcoming right when the event happens but will disclose after a few days or weeks if you’re receptive Please realize how cruel this is to that one child and encourage your child to morally and ethically stand by someone who is shunned

I disagree completely. Your job as a parent is to model ethical behavior and encourage them to behave ethically and morally. It is not your job to know all the ups and downs of their various friendships. I went through middle school drama once, and have no desire to go through it a second time vicariously.

You want your kid to be strong coming out of middle school, so you have to know what's going on. As a parent, you have to teach your kid that just as the internet lives on forever, each kid with whom you associate reflects on you. If a kid is awkward, you in turn are awkward for hanging out with that kid. If a kid is dorky, you are dorky.

That's death in middle and high school.

Don't create damage you don't need. Be the kid who has lots of friends, who gets invited to the parties, who has a great time. That makes you socially acceptable as a boyfriend or girlfriend. It gets you good teacher recommendations. It gets you big applause when your name is called at high school graduation.

Save being a dork for grad school or law school. Don't be one now. Be well-rounded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your job as aparent is to know what’s going on in your daughters life and the reason she drop the friend. Often children are not forthcoming right when the event happens but will disclose after a few days or weeks if you’re receptive Please realize how cruel this is to that one child and encourage your child to morally and ethically stand by someone who is shunned

I disagree completely. Your job as a parent is to model ethical behavior and encourage them to behave ethically and morally. It is not your job to know all the ups and downs of their various friendships. I went through middle school drama once, and have no desire to go through it a second time vicariously.

You want your kid to be strong coming out of middle school, so you have to know what's going on. As a parent, you have to teach your kid that just as the internet lives on forever, each kid with whom you associate reflects on you. If a kid is awkward, you in turn are awkward for hanging out with that kid. If a kid is dorky, you are dorky.

That's death in middle and high school.

Don't create damage you don't need. Be the kid who has lots of friends, who gets invited to the parties, who has a great time. That makes you socially acceptable as a boyfriend or girlfriend. It gets you good teacher recommendations. It gets you big applause when your name is called at high school graduation.

Save being a dork for grad school or law school. Don't be one now. Be well-rounded.

Holy sh*t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your job as aparent is to know what’s going on in your daughters life and the reason she drop the friend. Often children are not forthcoming right when the event happens but will disclose after a few days or weeks if you’re receptive Please realize how cruel this is to that one child and encourage your child to morally and ethically stand by someone who is shunned

I disagree completely. Your job as a parent is to model ethical behavior and encourage them to behave ethically and morally. It is not your job to know all the ups and downs of their various friendships. I went through middle school drama once, and have no desire to go through it a second time vicariously.

You want your kid to be strong coming out of middle school, so you have to know what's going on. As a parent, you have to teach your kid that just as the internet lives on forever, each kid with whom you associate reflects on you. If a kid is awkward, you in turn are awkward for hanging out with that kid. If a kid is dorky, you are dorky.

That's death in middle and high school.

Don't create damage you don't need. Be the kid who has lots of friends, who gets invited to the parties, who has a great time. That makes you socially acceptable as a boyfriend or girlfriend. It gets you good teacher recommendations. It gets you big applause when your name is called at high school graduation.

Save being a dork for grad school or law school. Don't be one now. Be well-rounded.

Holy sh*t.

+1