Tweens dropping one friend from the group

[Anonymous]

How do you handle the situation when DC and the longtime, small group of friends decide to drop one friend from the group? The one kid being left out still tries to invite the “friends” to do things but they are “not available.” Do I stand back and let the tweens sort it out? Or should I have a conversation with my DC about why the group is doing this? Should I encourage DC to just tell the one kid that they are no longer friends? The kid being excluded often finds out they were left out after the fact but is still trying to be friends. I’d rather not get involved but can’t decide if this is something that needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Sounds heartless of your teen to participate in this exclusion. Is there a reason? I'd be worried I was raising a child that had no empathy or was not capable of kindness.

[Anonymous]

That is a hard one. I would talk to your DD about why they are excluding this one friend. Something must have happened. The thing is that friendships change and as long as the girls are nice to her it doesn't mean that they have to invite her to do things outside of school.

I am having the same issue with my DD and a friend of hers. DD doesn't want to hang out with her and has consistently turn her down but the girl doesn't understand and isn't hearing it. She's pushed and pushed all the time to the point where DD almost needs to be blunt about it. But its hard because I try to teach DD not to hurt others feelings. But at the same time I feel she doesn't have to hang out with her outside of school if she doesn't want to as long as she's nice during their interactions.

[Anonymous]

How would you want it addressed if your child were on the receiving end?

I would expect my child to have the integrity to be honest with her friend. Far too often "dropping a friend" means essentially lying to the kid ("we haven't made plans for the movie yet" instead of "Larla and I are going to the movie by ourselves") which sets the stage for a lot of drama on top of the hurt of a friend group leaving you behind.

I'd also talk to my kid about this change. Sometimes, a group has outgrown a kid. Sometimes, it's a sign of something concerning - e.g. Larla doesn't like Sylvia, so no one can be friends with Sylvia and be friends with Larla and Larla has an awesome house to hang out at, so...

[Anonymous]

It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

[Anonymous]

I had this happen to my child during middle school. The biggest surprise of parenting so far. It is tough!

[Anonymous]

Kids shift friends a lot in MS and in HS. As long as they aren't being mean, let them work it out on their own and stay out of it.

Think about people you no longer want to be friends with - you wouldn't say, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore," you'd say you were unavailable!

Parent of 3 teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

[Anonymous]

PP well that was mature. Mean moms mean daughters. Ad nauseum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP well that was mature. Mean moms mean daughters. Ad nauseum.

It was immature, but it she’d a lot of needed light on what was really going on. Also, a grown woman should not post criticism of 12 year olds on FB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP well that was mature. Mean moms mean daughters. Ad nauseum.

DP. Yeah, that was also mature of the shunned girl's mother!

OP, I would try asking my child why Larla is being excluded, but your DC refuses to answer, there's not much you can do. It goes without saying that your kid shouldn't be bullying anybody but you can't -- and shouldn't -- force anyone to be friends with another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP well that was mature. Mean moms mean daughters. Ad nauseum.

It was immature, but it she’d a lot of needed light on what was really going on. Also, a grown woman should not post criticism of 12 year olds on FB.

No she should not, but look two more mean Moms jumped in to the fray. Watch what you teach your DDs. I shut down gossip and won’t partake. I will take my DDs to task if they meangirl anyone. They can stand up for themselves and others. I avoid mothers such as this like the plague. Go volunteer.

[Anonymous]

My DD and her friends dropped a girl. The girl was stealing at the mall, claiming she was with DD when really out with much older boys, and doing acid and weed.

[Anonymous]

In less there was a good reason I would be very upset with my child for treating someone like that.

[Anonymous]

All you can do is coach your child to use a kind tone and kind words. It's really tough to be on the receiving end, but you also can't force friendships.