Tweens dropping one friend from the group

[Anonymous]

Kindness is rarely wasted. I would urge my child to be as inclusive as possible.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others- my DS dropped a friend this year. It was hard but there were good reasons that I supported. I told DS that while he doesn't need to actively be friends with this other boy, he can't be unkind or deliberately exclusive.

It's really fine line, OP, because on the one hand, we teach inclusion and kindness, and on the other, there are friends that just aren't good for our kids- in our case, the other boy had some some social struggles that were causing him to get into trouble and say inappropriate things that I don't want my son associated with or even exposed to on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage my child not to have a "friend group" to be honest. It's not necessary to have hermetically sealed "friend groups" that include and exclude people. She can just have friends. You should try to assess whether your daughter actually has an issue with the ostracized girl. If not, you should encourage her to spend time with her 1:1, and also broaden your daughter's activities beyond this exclusionary "friend group."

+100

I totally agree. It's so easy for "friend group" to slide into "clique," with a fair amount of energy spent policing membership. I always encourage my kid to spend time with different friends, not the same group all the time, for this reason. (And because when you're having trouble with one friend or group of friends, having an outlet of other friends is so helpful to avoid unnecessary drama.) If your daughter likes this girl, then she can spend time with her one-on-one. And she should spend time with people not in this group. If they will turn on one girl and intentionally exclude her, they will do it to another, too.

[Anonymous]

I just read my kids yearbook: lots of things going on that you don’t know about.

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids they can choose who to be friends with and who to socialize with, but they shouldn't be rude or set out to cause drama/hurt feelings. If they choose to avoid hanging out with someone, that's up to them, but we will have a problem if, for example, I hear that they're making fun of the person, deliberately taunting the person about events or activities in which the kid is not included, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage my child not to have a "friend group" to be honest. It's not necessary to have hermetically sealed "friend groups" that include and exclude people. She can just have friends. You should try to assess whether your daughter actually has an issue with the ostracized girl. If not, you should encourage her to spend time with her 1:1, and also broaden your daughter's activities beyond this exclusionary "friend group."

+100

I totally agree. It's so easy for "friend group" to slide into "clique," with a fair amount of energy spent policing membership. I always encourage my kid to spend time with different friends, not the same group all the time, for this reason. (And because when you're having trouble with one friend or group of friends, having an outlet of other friends is so helpful to avoid unnecessary drama.) If your daughter likes this girl, then she can spend time with her one-on-one. And she should spend time with people not in this group. If they will turn on one girl and intentionally exclude her, they will do it to another, too.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle the situation when DC and the longtime, small group of friends decide to drop one friend from the group? The one kid being left out still tries to invite the “friends” to do things but they are “not available.” Do I stand back and let the tweens sort it out? Or should I have a conversation with my DC about why the group is doing this? Should I encourage DC to just tell the one kid that they are no longer friends? The kid being excluded often finds out they were left out after the fact but is still trying to be friends. I’d rather not get involved but can’t decide if this is something that needs to be addressed.

Been on both sides. Please Do not have your son tell the other child they don’t want to be friends with them. That is so mean. If there’s a large gathering of friends encourage your child to include that friend but don’t force your dc to hang out with them one on one or with one or two people. That’s my advice because that’s what I would want done with my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh I'm guessing this is about OPs 'daughter'. This sounds very sad for the excluded child. As a parent I think OP should encourage her child to invite the other child over occasionally, remain friendly at least - unless there is a serious reason why not (unlikely).
I have two teen boys and nothing like this has ever happened, there has been no friend problems at all - and there have been a lot of teen boys coming and going over the years. They all seem very laid back. All still friends.

It happens to boys too. Chances are your boys have faded someone, but since there is typically less drama, you didn't know about it.

Actually a middle school teacher told me that with boys it is referred to as "culling from the pack."

Boys can be the cruelest. Seen it done.

[Anonymous]

As someone who was the victim of being excluded from a friend group in 6th grade, reading the responses here gives me hope. No way the parents of those girls knew what they did to me right before we started middle school and how it affected me all through grade school. And still does. Please encourage your child not to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage my child not to have a "friend group" to be honest. It's not necessary to have hermetically sealed "friend groups" that include and exclude people. She can just have friends. You should try to assess whether your daughter actually has an issue with the ostracized girl. If not, you should encourage her to spend time with her 1:1, and also broaden your daughter's activities beyond this exclusionary "friend group."

+100

I totally agree. It's so easy for "friend group" to slide into "clique," with a fair amount of energy spent policing membership. I always encourage my kid to spend time with different friends, not the same group all the time, for this reason. (And because when you're having trouble with one friend or group of friends, having an outlet of other friends is so helpful to avoid unnecessary drama.) If your daughter likes this girl, then she can spend time with her one-on-one. And she should spend time with people not in this group. If they will turn on one girl and intentionally exclude her, they will do it to another, too.

+1

Also happens one on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a child who had this happen to them, I resent some of the responses here. It is totally okay for friends and friend groups to shift, and unfortunately that means some kids will be pushed out of a group. However, to act as if it is always “caused” by the kid who is pushed out is to ignore the reality that is middle school aged kids can just be mean and seek to exclude someone for something as simple as they don’t have as much money, they are not physically maturing as quickly, they have a learning disability and are not as “fast” intellectually, they are not as athletic, whatever.

OP of another post (about the "trip" and the exclusion). My DC was friends with (now tens) for about ten years, then suddenly, after one trip (which the host mom purposefully excluded my DC from) poof! All DC's close friends of ten years were (quite literally) suddenly out of the picture. If I have to be honest, I would say that the other teens were maturing at a very different speed. All good kids, just different. My teen is not immature, but I have heard what other teens think of that group, and it is not favorable. If the group was nice about matters (if one of them had said "we should really include Larlo, since there is plenty of room!"), I would intervene, but it is good to know both sides. The exclusion from the trip is just an example, so in reality, are those good friends? Probably not.

The situation is not always such that there is something "wrong" with the excluded kid. Sometimes there is a Queen Bee mom at the helm, micromanaging matters. In the case of the trip, the mom had relocated back to this area, and wanted to take matters into her own hands. Never a good idea.

Is there more to the story? Seems odd that one trip was enough was enough to cause your DC to lose the group permanently. I’ve taught secondary school for almost two decades. In my experience, teens are more complex than that. I’ve seen more of the situation where the teens attend the flashy sweet sixteen or go on the big ski trip, but then ignore the host afterwards in favor of the excluded friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a child who had this happen to them, I resent some of the responses here. It is totally okay for friends and friend groups to shift, and unfortunately that means some kids will be pushed out of a group. However, to act as if it is always “caused” by the kid who is pushed out is to ignore the reality that is middle school aged kids can just be mean and seek to exclude someone for something as simple as they don’t have as much money, they are not physically maturing as quickly, they have a learning disability and are not as “fast” intellectually, they are not as athletic, whatever.

OP of another post (about the "trip" and the exclusion). My DC was friends with (now tens) for about ten years, then suddenly, after one trip (which the host mom purposefully excluded my DC from) poof! All DC's close friends of ten years were (quite literally) suddenly out of the picture. If I have to be honest, I would say that the other teens were maturing at a very different speed. All good kids, just different. My teen is not immature, but I have heard what other teens think of that group, and it is not favorable. If the group was nice about matters (if one of them had said "we should really include Larlo, since there is plenty of room!"), I would intervene, but it is good to know both sides. The exclusion from the trip is just an example, so in reality, are those good friends? Probably not.

The situation is not always such that there is something "wrong" with the excluded kid. Sometimes there is a Queen Bee mom at the helm, micromanaging matters. In the case of the trip, the mom had relocated back to this area, and wanted to take matters into her own hands. Never a good idea.

Is there more to the story? Seems odd that one trip was enough was enough to cause your DC to lose the group permanently. I’ve taught secondary school for almost two decades. In my experience, teens are more complex than that. I’ve seen more of the situation where the teens attend the flashy sweet sixteen or go on the big ski trip, but then ignore the host afterwards in favor of the excluded friend.

There is more to the story and it almost all points to the mom. Thanks for asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

The DD who sent the mean texts had very hurt feelings and it is sad that the adults (moms) chose to shame her in that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd talk to your child, and find out why the other child is being excluded, and how to address the issue with the other child appropriately.

When I was in 9th grade, my group of friends decided that we didn't want to hang out with a girl who was really, really difficult to make conversation with - she would just reply briefly to direct questions, and never say anything else.

We avoided her and lied about needing to do other things at lunch. I wish we had spoken to her directly about what was bothering us, and given her a chance to change. I think she probably was incapable of doing so, but it would have been the kind thing to do, and at least she would have understood what was bothering us.

I was the quiet girl. I loved being in a group but observed, listened and supported others. I was didn't tell stories and was very shy. I got left out a lot and felt pretty invisible. I wish more parents would teach their children to look for the quiet ones to pull along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

The DD who sent the mean texts had very hurt feelings and it is sad that the adults (moms) chose to shame her in that way.

Uh, no. The girl had sent mean texts for two years before the party. She sent them as the Queen Bee to establish the norms she wanted in their group. She decided that everyone should blow-dry their hair straight. My DD and another girl had long thick biracial or AA curly hair that we the moms would allow them to straighten. So she texted our girls that they looked messy. She also sent texts about parents having old cars and how embarrassing it would be to arrive at school in them so only her mom should drive carpool. She made fun of the accents of two dads and told another girl that a “fat future” was ahead of her based on her stocky older sister.

I don’t approve of what the other moms did, but the mean girl’s mom criticized several children on FB for not coming to a party. She could have approached the parents privately in a group or individual texts. She set out to shame them and then learned some unpleasant facts about her own child.